The Shinigami Guide to Parenting
by QueenofBookworms
Summary: I'm the taicho of Fifth Division. Life hates me. Yama is officially nuts and wants me to marry Renji, and there's this five year old hyper girl who reckons I'm her mother, or father? Fun? No way in the deepest regions of hell. RenIchi. Chapter 26 up...
1. Chapter 1

The Shinigami Guide to Parenting Chap 1: How to get the child.

I am pissed.

You know why?

Okay, here's a rundown of possibly the worst day of my life.

First, Yama decides, hey, why not send Renji and me on a bloody mission to fricking Karakura Town, where I'm meant to be dead, in case a couple of Menos Grandes decide to come along. There aren't Menos Grande's there right now, but send a captain, me, and another captain anyway. Even though we have much better things to do.

Anyway, I am a captain of fifth, and I faked my own fricking death to do it! But hey, send me anyway to Karakura Town, even though half the population can see me!

But who cares?

Anyway, for the better part of the last two goddamned hours, I've been searching for the bloody red haired pineapple.

And am now severely pissed.

I come to a forest, and glare at it. Renji, the idiot, is in there. In that damned forest. I. Am. Gonna. Have. A. Helluva. Time. Finding. Him. Ain't I?

Yeah, I know what you're thinking? A Taichou like me could just trace his riatsu and then use a bunch of kido spells to get that fcking pineapple. Well, guess what? A) I _suck_at kido. B) the goddamned pineapple's been moving around. Today's the once-a-month day when he's free and can do whatever he wants. Oh, and there's C, which is that that goddamned pineapple is a ... Taichou! Yay! Celebrate!

Damn it, no. Who the hell decided to make Renji a Taichou? Idiot. Oh. Hang on. It was Yama. That bloody commander could kick my ass into next century without going to Ban Kai. Although, where the hell he was when I was kicking Aizen's ass into next century is beyond me. Guess that Gawd wasn't bothered enough to head down and watch me. Bastard.

Anyway, if you haven't guessed already, I. Am. Pissed. Guess finding out that no one bothered to tell me that both Yuzu and Karin, my sisters, are now at the Shinigami Academy, though that's just a part time thing, they both still have lives on Earth, didn't help. No way in hell. But hey, I just have more the reason to murder Renji when I get him.

Anyway, so I head into the forest. And it's dark. And mysterious. And I wanna kill someone. Okay, two out of three of that description is wrong. Guess which ones? No prizes. Yeah, it's sunny, the birds are chirping away, and I wanna kill everything in that forest.

I'm going insane.

Che. Anyway, so I find Renji. He's sitting in a clearing, playing with kids! Hell! That bastard... hang on.

I've just had an idea...

I have this camera I carry around. You never know when a good photo opportunity comes up, you see. And that photo opportunity's often a potential black mail. And I see good black mail.

So I grab about ten shots of Renji in that clearing, hair down, playing with a bunch of kids. Then, I walk into the clearing.

"Oh, hey Berry," says Renji, looking suitably startled. He senses my reiatsu, and notes that it's completely angry and furious, but with a hint of absolute delight.

He's worried.

"Hey, pineapple," I say, deciding to ignore the 'Berry' nickname. "You realize Yama's given us a mission?"

"Hell!?" demands Renji, standing up. I flash that grin at him.

"Yeah, head down to Karakura. Chance of Menos, apparently." I stress the word 'chance'.

Renji sighed, and, after a teary farewell, sickly teary, we left the kids, who insisted on clinging to Renji as we left. By the time we got out of the forest, they'd gone. Thankfully. I'd probably end up killing them otherwise.

Yeah, I'm not too good with kids. As you can, hopefully, tell. If you can't, please drag yourself over to a mentally ill institute, thanks.

Anyway, so we leave the forest, and head back to Seireitei, when a kid should pop up. This little girl, blonde pigtails, blue eyes, ya know, the stereotypically 'cute' girl.

Anyway, Ren and I decide she was stalking us.

You want proof?

Get this. We cross, I dunno, three districts? And the girl is still there. The same girl. The one and only girl stalker.

I know how anti-feminist that sounded.

Make sure Soi Fon doesn't read this.

Yeah, anyway, so this girl's following us. So what do we do?

No. We do not run and hide.

We confront her.

"Hey girl. Stop stalking us," I tell her. She just looks at me.

"Hey," says Renji, bending down, "Could you please stop following us? It just scares us, so could you stop?"

Trust Renji to be a bastard and be nice to rascal kids.

"But...DADDY!" she wails.

...

...

Daddy?

Renji looks startled as she just... hugs him. I mean, this big bear hug. Like, you know. Those glomping hugs. The ones fangirls use. _THOSE_.

Yeah, I have fangirls. Get over it. It's not fun.

Don't let the fangirls read this either.

Anyway, Daddy?

I couldn't help it.

I have to laugh. So laugh I do. The huge, guffaw, ohmygod laughs. I just laugh. It is hilarious. You can't blame me.

Renji just glares at me as I hold my stomach and laugh. He had stood up, and has to hold the girl, like those parenting holds, and is death glaring me. I take the opportunity to laugh at him.

"OHMYGOD!" I say. "Daddy? Renji! You naughty boy!"

"Daddy," says the girl, tugging on Renji's clothes. "Why is Mummy laughing at you?"

I stop.

...

...

...

Mummy?

Please tell me she did not call me Mummy.

Renji looked pretty startled.

"Mummy? Who's mummy?" he asks, looking around.

"Me," I say angrily. "Who else is laughing at you?"

Renji stares at me. He drops the kid. We both step back. I just realize what I said.

Yes, I'm using short sentences. Get over it. You must realize the importance of what I just said.

"No way," I say slowly. Renji said the same. We both stared at each other. Then, at the girl.

"Who's Mummy?" I asked. The girl looked at me.

"You are. Stupid." Renji snickers.

"Who's Daddy?" I asks.

"He is. Stupid," says the girl, pointing to Renji. Renji looks over his shoulder, sees no one, and then stares at the girl.

"No Way."

That is the final straw for both of us. We Shunpo away. I mean, what would YOU do?

If you're in my division and you're reading this, (I shall punish you later), you're probably thinking, HYPOCRITE! I've told you never to run away from your problems, haven't I? And here I am, running, well, shunpoeing, away from my problems.

When I said that, I was talking about hollow type problems. The ones you can fight. Not little kid problems. (As much as I hate kids, I would never fight one willingly. Get that shocked look off your face before I _Getsuga Tenshō_it off for you, Rukia)

So we reach the safety of Seireitei, get in, and stare weakly back at Rukongai. Hell. That kid ... let me back away into a nice corner and slit my wrists, will you? Gah.

"We have a Taichou meeting in, I dunno, five seconds," says Renji. I stare at him.

"Couldn't you have told me earlier?" I demand. We Shunpo to the meeting hall, and are about three seconds late.

"Abarai, Kurosaki," says Byakuya, as we enter. "You are late." We looked around.

"What about Shunsui?" I ask. Shunsui is, of course, late. What a surprise. Note the sarcasm.

At that point, Shunsui arrives.

"Look who I found!" he calls.

The girl. That's who he's found. The girl.

I'm about to _Getsuga Tenshō _him now.

"MUMMY! DADDY!" wails the kid, rushing to us. "Why'd you leave me back there!"

Renji and I stare at the kid, who promptly jumped onto me, still crying. I'm forced to hold her up, lest she falls down and bangs her head. Hell, that's a good idea, actually.

"Don't leave me back there again, mummy," she says, obviously meaning me.

"Mummy?" asks Mayuri, staring at us. All the captains are staring at us. I glare at them all.

"She's probably mistaken us for someone else," says Renji.

"No I'm not," says the kid. "You're Mummy," she points to me, "And you're daddy," she points to Renji. Then, she falls asleep. On my shoulder. If she dribbles...

The captains all start laughing. Even Hitsugaya is smiling. Which is scary enough, but ...ARGH! HITSUGAYA IS SMILING! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Yeah. That's how you react. Though, he has been smiling more since he started dating Hinamori.

"Guess we know who wears the pants in the relationship," smirks Kenpachi. "Renji." I scowl, and everyone laughs harder.

Byakuya's not. I suppose it's because Renji's his old vice captain. Rukia's his new one, but Renji. Hell, I'd be pissed if Hinamori had a child, even if she left my division. Remind me to stare suspiciously at Hitsugaya whenever I next see him even tap Hinamori.

"What is this about a new child, Abarai?" he asks.

"She's not my child, Kuchiki," says Renji, sweat dropping. Byakuya continues to stare at him.

"HELLO EVERYONE!" yells a voice. We turn.

Ohmygod.

YAMAMAOTO'S SMILING! AND LAUGHING! AND BEING GENERALLYCHEERFUL! HE'S ON HAPPY PILLS! RUNNNNN FOR YOUR LIVES!

And I should stop abusing the caps lock.

But still. Yama is being happy. Please. Kami-sama, stop torturing me!

"Ichi-kun, Ren-kun, you don't have to go to Karakura town, ooh, who's this little girl?" says Yama, bouncing, I'm not joking, _bouncing_ down the stairs. The girl wakes up.

"ARGH!" she screams, staring at Yama, who looks unhappy.

"Is she your child, Ichi-kun, Ren-kun?"

"No," we say.

"Yes," she says. She hears us, and turns, pouting, looking really unhappy. Then, she pulled out the puppy dog eyes.

You know how Hinamori is basically the queen of puppy dog eyes? Like, not even Byakuya, Kenpachi, or even Hitsugaya, can deny her anything once she pulls out the puppy dog eyes. No one has been known to resist the puppy dog eyes.

Okay, multiply her puppy dog eyes by about a million. You've got the strength of this girl's puppy dog eyes. THEY ARE IRRESITBLE! I'm not joking. Not even Yama can resist them.

"ICHIGO, RENJI!" he wails. "How can you deny that you are the parents of this amazing girl? She's crying now! Accept that you are her parents!"

"NO!" I snap. "SHE stalked us!"

"How can a little girl stalk someone?" asks Hitsugaya. We glare at him.

"What do you know about little girls?" I demand.

"I grew up with Hinamori, Kurosaki." I just glare at him.

"Look," says Renji, "We aren't this girl's parents."

"Sure," snorts Soi Fon.

"Can a guy even give birth to a child?" asks Renji.

"Actually," says Mayuri, "It's possible-"

"Forget I ever asked!" exclaims Renji. I shudder. Dad already gave me _that_ talk.

"You must marry!" announces Yama suddenly.

...

...

...

...

Please tell me he did not say that.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" I yell. Yama frowns at me.

"You must marry. You and Ren-kun must marry. I shall not let this adorable girl grow up without two properly married parents!"

"We aren't her parents!"

"You shall have to take care of her," says Unohana. "I doubt she'll let anyone else take care of her, and we can't let a young girl grow up without parents."

I snort, and so does Renji, thinking about Rukia, Renji and their friends. They grew up in Rukongai without parents.

"Precisely!" cries Yama. "You shall marry and take care of this girl! No buts! Dismissed! I must think of wedding preparations!"

Renji and I just stand there, staring at Yama.

One by one, the captains come up, about to offer 'congratulations'. Yeah right. They're gonna tease us.

Coming to my senses, I death glare all the captains, and drag Renji and the girl out of the room.

**A/N: Before you ask, yes, I did ask Imprverious Marr, and yes, she did agree! This is an authorized spinoff... So. Please, review. Brownies to all who do so. **

**Argh. I just realized that I changed tenses about a dozen times in this. So I've had to go back and change that. ARGH, **

**Che, I'm bored, btw. I have nothing to do. Except write fanfiction. So that's why there is so much fanfic. Although... My mum has a great boredom buster! Maths! Yay! Not.  
bangs head on table**

**Hm, I'm thinking of a Alex Rider/Bleach crossover. Mainly as I just read Snakehead (yes, it came out last year. I know.) But, I'm writing a AR fanfic now. I may post it. It's insane.**

**Which reminds me. Hm, two other short drablish fanfics to post. hums **

**I hum a lot**

**I know I should post the sequel to I'm not Weak. I know. I just don't have the ...energy.**

**hums happily Oh, hm, five reviews and I shall update. **

**Disclaimer: Bleach-Tite Kubo. Idea -- Impervious Marr. **


	2. Chapter 2

Chap 2: Naming, and grandparents/godparents, the lot.

I dump Renji on the couch in my rooms. The girl sits on the floor, staring at us. It unnerves me, so I ignore her.

"What the hell have we gotten into?" I ask, falling back onto the couch where Renji's sitting. He sitting on one end, I'm on the other.

"I'm getting married."

"Yeah, Renji, you are. To me."

"I'm getting married."

"RENJI!"

"I'm getting married!" he looks up, and stares at me. Then, he leans forwards, and shakes me. "I'M GETTING MARRIED!" he yells.

"YEAH! TO ME!" I yell back. Only, the momentum from him lunging forwards knocks us both off the couch, and we roll onto the floor, Renji on top of me. He's holding onto my shirt front, and I've grabbed him around the waist. We glare at each other, only, someone comes in.

That someone is my father.

Isshin.

"Oh my God! How can you do that in front of my granddaughter!" he wails. "Have you no respect for what her innocent eyes might see?" he adds. I knock Renji off me, and sit up, scowling at my father.

"DAD! What are you doing here? And knock, will you?!" I yell back.

"I must come and congratulate my son on producing a daughter! And I must visit my granddaughter!" he cries happily. I scowl at him, and pick my 'daughter' up, and hold her close.

"I'm not letting you anywhere near her," I growl back. Only, she jumps out of my arms, and rushes to Isshin.

"GRANDDADDY!" she yells, and hugs him happily. I stare, and then death glare Renji who's snorted. He's lying on the ground, and now gets up, and smirks at me.

"Guess she doesn't listen to what you say," he says. I scowl.

"Obviously your daughter then," I reply.

"Oh look! She's got Ichi's eyes, and Renji's hair," I notice the red hair for the first time, "and Ichi's face, and Ren's ears, and-"

I tune my father out.

"We better give her a name," I say. "And since I am... the mother," I shudder, "I decide."

"Nuh-uh," says Renji, sitting down onto the couch. I sit too. "I decide. I'm wearing the pants, like Zaraki said."

"No. I decide."

"Shirosaki."

"That's my hollow's name, dumbass. I'm not calling her that."

"Abarai, Kurosaki," says a voice. We turn. Byakuya. Sht.

"Byakuya," I say.

"Kuchiki," says Renji. Note the difference in politeness.

"You have...a child," he sniffs disapprovingly. "And, judging by the age, she was born while Abarai was still my vice captain."

Ah. Sht. We hadn't thought about that.

"She's not actually our child."

"She certainly looks like it."

"Well, she's not."

"Hm," he doesn't believe us. "Are you yet to name her?"

"Err. Yes."

"Well, I hope you remember to name her something along my name, as it a sign of respect you must follow," he says, before turning. I glance at Renji, he's gone green.

"What?" I snap.

"When I was a kid, Rukia and I promises we'd name any children either of us might have a name to do with the other. So, my kid would have a name to do with Rukia's name, and vice versa."

"Well, that was stupid, and she's probably forgotten."

"She never forgets, Berry."

"Hisana, then."

"Hisana?"

"Yeah, to do with Byakuya, and Rukia. Bya's late wife, and Rukia's sister. That should keep both of them happy."

"Okay. Hisana it is," he says. We're both silent. Then Isshin bounces in.

"Have you named her yet?"

"Yeah, Rice."

"Huh?" says Isshin. I roll my eyes.

"Renji, your stomach is talking."

"Hell."

"No."

"Hellina."

"Yeah. No."

"Hellress."

"RENJI!"

"Helliania."

"ABARAI PINEAPPLE RENJI!" I yell, and lunge forwards, and shake him. Unfortunately, guess what happens?

Yeah, we fall off, and land on top of each other. We're too stunned to do anything, and so just sit there, staring at each other. He's grabbed my stomach, and now his arms are wrapped around my waist. I'd grabbed his clothes, and now my arms are wrapped around his neck. Our legs are tangled up, and Isshin reacts predictably.

"OH the virgin eyes of my nameless granddaughter are forever harmed!" he cries, wrapping his hands over my 'daughter's' eyes. She pulls them down, and watches us.

I roll off Renji, not happy. He still has an arm wrapped around my waist, something I'm not bothered enough to correct, and we stand, my arm still draped over his shoulders.

"Dad," I growl at Isshin. "Shut the fck up."

"Oh, now the virgin ears of my nameless granddaughter are harmed!" he cries, covering her ears. She rolls her eyes, and slams her foot into my father's groin, and runs to Renji and me.

I smirk, and ruffle her hair, congratulating her.

"And you still say she's not your daughter?" asks Rukia, entering, not bothering to help Isshin. I scowl at her.

"Aunty... what's your name?" asks Hisana, my 'daughter'.

"Rukia."

"Aunty Rukia!" she cries, and rushes to hug her.

"Yeah, that's why we say she's not our daughter," I say.

"What?" she says, suddenly upset.

"You didn't hear anything," said Rukia. "They're lying." We roll our eyes at her, and realize what we're doing.

I have an arm _around Renji_. He has an arm _around me_.

ARGHHH!!

We jump away, holding our arms as though they have been _burnt_.

Rukia rolls her eyes. "What's her name?" she asks.

"Hisana," I say. Rukia's eyes widen.

"Why?" she asks quietly. "Apart from the promise Renji and I made."

"Told you she'd remember," says Renji. I roll my eyes at him and decide to check on my father. He turns to Rukia, and shrugs, "There was the promise. And Byakuya paid a visit," Rukia winces in sympathy, "He told us to make sure she had a name to do with him."

"So I did," says Byakuya, appearing. God, he _has_ to stop that. "Name?" he asks.

"Hisana," I say. Byakuya nods. And leaves. God, I'm gonna kill him.

"Hisana? Why not Masaki?" asks Isshin. I'm not gonna call him Dad anymore. He's too embarrassing. "Or," he sniffs, "Don't you want to remember me?" he wails. Then, he starts sobbing. I slam a book onto his head. He doesn't pass out.

God, he must have a thick skull, as thick as Shunsui's.

"Masaki Hisana?" suggests Hisana. "Masaki middle name. Hisana first name." We look at each other, shrug, and nod.

"Yay!" she yells. "I have two names!" She hugs all of us, and latches onto me. Gah.

"Now," she says, "I'm tired." She falls asleep on my shoulder. I sigh.

"She's sleeping with you," says Renji immediately. "I'm going back to my rooms."

"No," says Rukia, with an evil grin. She holds out a piece of paper. It's from Yama.

_Dear Ichi-kun, Ren-kun,_

_Until you marry, you _must_ sleep with each other each and every night from now own. After you marry, you must sleep with each other, like a good couple. _

_If you don't you shall face my wrath!! HAHA! Cue evil laugh._

_From Yama!_

I stare at it.

"No!" I wail. Isshin shuts me up.

"Don't wake Hisana-chan!"

I scowl at him. And then, I scowl at Renji. He's scowling at the paper, and then me.

It's then that I realize Rukia and Isshin have fled.

Probably better for their health actually.

I stare at the paper, and then lead the way to my bedroom. Lucky I have a double bed. (for no reason, I swear).

"You sleep on this half, I sleep on this half," I declare, dividing the bed in half. Renji nods, and falls asleep immediately. I roll my eyes, and set Hisana down in the middle. After that, I get ready for bed, and fall asleep.

--

Isshin crept into the bedroom, grinning evilly. Byakuya followed him.

In there, they found Ichigo, Renji and Hisana Masaki in a very strange position.

Renji was curled up on his side, and was curled up to Ichigo, his head on the Strawberry's chest. Ichigo's arm was wrapped tightly around Renji's waist, Renji's arm on Ichigo's chest, wrapping around his shoulder. It was slightly suspicious that they both had their shirts undone, but oh well. Hisana was sleeping on Ichigo's torso, her small arms wrapped around Ichigo's neck. Renji's arm was on top of her body.

"This is perfect," said Byakuya, grinning sadistically.

"I knew you had an evil side," Isshin muttered. Byakuya rolled his eyes at Isshin, but took out his camera, and turned the flash off. It had a night vision; it would take perfect blackmail pictures. Isshin pulled out his own camera, and did the same. Then, both crept around, taking as many pictures as they could.

**A/N: Disclaimer: don't known anyone or anything except for Hisana. Not even the idea, sob**

**I know, not yet five reviews, but I'm being kind. **

**ByaBya's evil!! HA! Cackle I'm evil, I know. I get told off for torturing the characters too much by my friends.**

**I have written a couple more chapters. When I get to...nine reviews, I'll update. Unless I'm being kind. A rare occurence, so don't get your hopes up.**

**so... review!!**

**EDIT: grammar, english. the usual. typos... grr. **


	3. Chapter 3

Chap: Cloth shopping - the nightmare.

I wake up. And I get stressed.

Well you would too.

I mean, Rukia is letting people into my room, all of them with cameras, and collecting a fee from them all. Since when have I become a photo attraction?

I slowly turn my head either way, and note that Renji's head is on my chest, and that he has his arms wrapped around me. And that I have my arms wrapped around him. I also note that Hisana is lying on me, arms wrapped around my neck.

That would explain the crowd.

I close my eyes again, and appear to curl further into Renji's arms. Gah. YUCK. I then settle my reiatsu and draw as much of it out as slowly as possible. Soon, the crowd realize that they are slowly being suffocated by my reiatsu. Always a nice find, eh?

Most of them flee, except for Rukia, who won't leave her precious money. I'm going to murder her.

"Kurosaki," says a voice. Gah. Byakuya.

"Yes, Byakuya?" I ask, opening my eyes, and sitting up. Renji falls off me, and continues to sleep. I realize my shirt is open, and that he's dribbled.

Oh, how I'll _murder_ the little bastard.

Wiping off the saliva, scowling, I look up at Byakuya. "Yes?" I ask.

"Why is your reiatsu crushing Rukia, my sister?" he asks. Oh. Oops. I gather my reiatsu, and grumpily notice that Shirosaki wants to talk to me.

Gah. Damn hollow.

"My reiatsu wouldn't be crushing your sister if she hadn't decided to make me into a photo attraction," I point out politely (Yes, I can do polite. Shock. Horror. Gasp. Shut up.).

"As it is," continues Byakuya, "I notice that Hisana needs clothes." I groan. "So that means you must go into the real world and select clothes for her."

"The real world?" I ask. "Why not Rukongai?" He fixes me with a death glare. Oh. That's why.

Look, I'm a Taichou, yes. But even if you're Yama, you know _**NOT**_ to refuse Byakuya. It's not done. Senbonzakura won't kill you if you're a Taichou. But it will _hurt_. And Unohana will _not_ be forgiving.

So you don't refuse Byakuya. _It's not done_.

"Fine," I say grudgingly. "We'll go to the real world. We'll buy Hisana clothes. Happy?"

"Yes," he says. Well, he doesn't _look_ happy. But, hey, it's _Byakuya_. When _does_ he look happy?

"Well, can you leave, please?" I ask, gesturing to the door.

"I'm not leaving until you leave for the real world."

I groan.

My day _can't_ get worse.

Sighing, I turn to Renji, who's hugging my pillow, and blast him with a bit of my reiatsu. He jerks awake.

"Hell?! What was that -oh. Hi, Kuchiki?" he says, noticing Byakuya. Instantly, Renji tugs the sheets to his neck, staring at Byakuya. "What are you doing here, Taichou?"

"Kurosaki shall tell you," he says, sitting down on a chair. I'm about to tell him to ask before sitting down, but decide not to.

For the above reasons.

I turn over, and _gently_ shake Hisana awake. She wakes, blearily eyed, and looks at me.

"Eh, what's going on, Mummy? Why's Uncle... what's your name?" she asks Byakuya.

"Kuchiki Byakuya," he answers.

"Oh, that's too hard," she pouts, thinking, "I know! ByaBya!" she says. "Uncle ByaBya!" I try not to laugh. ByaBya, she should meet Yachiru.

...

...

No, she should _not_.

Speak of the devil, and, _poof_, she shall appear.

Yachiru bounces into the room, looking painfully awake for nine thirty in the morning.

"Orangey! Reddy! You have a girl! Ooh! What's your name?" asks Yachiru, beaming at Hisana.

"Kurosaki Masaki Hisana!" replied Hisana, bouncing out of bed, and heading to Yachiru. "You?"

"Kusajishi Yachiru!" replies Yachiru. "Let's play!"

"Yeah!" replies Hisana, suddenly very much awake.

I stare after them, and then fall back, groaning.

"Oh god. She's met Yachiru. The World Shall End," I declare. Byakuya looks at me.

"Did I not set you a job, Kurosaki?" he asks.

Renji looks between us.

"Eh, what job?"

"We have to go to the real world and get clothes for Hisana," I reply. "Eh, Byakuya, what about our divisions?"

"Yamamoto-soutaicho has decreed that until your wedding, and then for a month after, all duties will fall to your Fuku-Taichou, for both of you. So, your vice captains are managing your divisions," he replies.

Hisagi, Kira and Hinamori are going to be very good, experienced, captains.

Renji sighs, and watches Byakuya.

"Oh," I add, "Byakuya's not leaving until we leave for the real world." Renji groans, and falls back into the bed. I get up, and walk to the en suite, sighing.

After a very refreshing, long shower, I walk out into the lounge room, to find Hinamori and Hitsugaya. Hinamori's playing with Yachiru and Hisana, beaming, while Hitsugaya's watching grumpily.

I swear his mouth is twitching upwards though.

"Preparing for your own kids?" I ask, smirking. Hitsugaya death glares me.

"It's _ten_," he points out. I nod.

"You haven't gotten out of bed until ten?" he asks. "What _have_ you been doing with Renji?"

I twitch.

"Hard to do anything when Byakuya's watching you like a hawk," I growl. "I got up at eight thirty, talked to Byakuya, Yachiru bounded in at nine, talked more to Byakuya, and had a shower. That's my morning. Oh, and yeah, I kicked out a bunch of perverted photographers."

"So Byakuya's alone with Renji?" asks Hinamori, joining us at the kitchen table. "Ooh... _very_ interesting," She grins at us.

"Dirty minded Fuku-Taichou," I growl playfully. "_Way_ too much time around Matsumoto." She laughs.

"Hisana!" I call. "Have you had breakfast?"

"I had candy!" she replies from the floor, where's she sitting with Yachiru. I roll my eyes.

"That's not breakfast," I call back. After I get out a toaster, I make a stack of toast, and put it on the table, with honey in a jar.

Hisana bounces up, and is about to spread her own bread with honey, but I slap her away.

"Nuh-uh," I say, "You'll just get honey all over yourself." I spread some bread with honey, and give it to her.

"See, that's why she calls you Mummy," says Renji, striding into the room, hair out, looking hot...

...

...

...

No. Did not think that. DID NOT THINK THAT.

"Fine," I snap back, "you make breakfast tomorrow."

"Yare, yare," says Renji, grabbing some bread and eating it. "Hi Hitsugaya, Hinamori. What are you doing here?"

"A Fuku-Taichou's not allowed to visit her Taichou?" asks Hinamori grinning, "and congratulate him on a child, _and_ a wedding?"

"Please do not remind me on the marriage," Renji and I say at the same time. We glare at each other.

"Don't copy me," he says.

"You copied me," I say.

"Did not."

"Did too.

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Granddaddy, why are Mummy and Daddy arguing?" asks Hisana, looking up at Isshin as he enters. I have to lock my door. Hang on. I do lock it. WTF? Gah. Somebody's given out keys to my apartment, haven't they? I'm so gonna kill them, but torture them first and ... What's Isshin saying?

"Ah! You see, it's something called sexual tension, which comes when Mummy and Daddy can't-"

At this point, Renji and I have reached a truce. We both punched Isshin in the face, and then proceed to beat him up. Hitsugaya and Hinamori go red, and back away. Byakuya, who had entered the room, raises an eyebrow.

"Ooh!" says Isshin, spotting Byakuya, "Was there a threesome? Byakuya, how could you? I hope-"

"Chire Senbonzakura," says Byakuya. Renji and I dash out of the way, letting Byakuya do his stuff. Isshin's eyes widen, and he shunpoes away.

I'm never gonna get over the fact that my father was a Taichou.

"What's sexual tension?" asks Yachiru. Hisana nods, looking at us. Byakuya's eyes widen, and he turns to us.

"Isshin," I say. That explains everything. Byakuya nods in understanding, and turns back to Hisana and Yachiru.

"Your parents will explain when they feel you are old enough, Hisana. Yachiru, one day Zaraki may explain it to you. Until that day, I suggest neither of you mention that word."

"Fine," pouts Hisana. Yachiru doesn't look happy either, but she shrugs.

"Yeah, whatever. Hisana, I have to go. Ken-chan will want to talk to me! See you later!"

"Okay! Bye Yachiru-chan! I wanna meet Ken-chan one day, kay?"

"Yep! Bye!" with that Yachiru, thankfully, leaves.

"I have to check on Matsumoto, though I doubt she's broken the kido spells," says Hitsugaya, leaving.

"Kido?" I ask.

"A very good idea," he replies, "Matsumoto is so much more obedient." I grin.

"Be thankful I haven't used that on you, yet, Momo," I tell her, ruffling her hair. She scowls at me.

"I'd break them easily, anyway," she replies. I shrug. It's the truth. Both she and Hitsugaya leave.

I grab my camera, and carefully take a photo of them holding hands. Blackmail. I love it.

"Did you say you want to meet Kenpachi?" Renji asks Hisana, looking shocked. She nods.

"What?!" I exclaim, staring at her. "Nuh-uh! Never!"

"But, Mummy, Daddy," she sobs, pulling out her puppy dog eyes. Have I told you about her puppy dog eyes? I think so. But yeah, they're impossible to refuse anything against.

"Maybe," I say finally. "But both of us will be there, won't we, Renji?" I ask. Renji nods. Hisana pouts, but shrugs.

"So what are we doing today?" she asks eagerly. I sigh, remembering the promise.

"C'mon," I say. "We're going to the real world, for clothes shopping."

**A/N: As AZjanus said, Ichi should learn to lock his doors. Hahaha . Thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed, YOU ARE AWESOME!! Now... hm, maybe 13 reviews before I post again? You can do it. **

**Just click on that button and review. :) Damn windows auto thingies. **

**Edit: Some grammar, typos, tense changes.. the usual**

**edit 2: Yachiru's last name, got it wrong. thanks to Lia-Osaka92 for giving me the right spelling. **


	4. Chapter 4

Chap Clothes Shopping -the nightmare Part II

So we've headed to an English store for no reason at all. I dunno why I let Renji drag us here. But we're here. I can't do a thing. Can't be bothered to, anyway. An English store in the middle of Japan. For some reason, I'm not surprised.

Myers, I think it's called. Sighing, I head to level 2 and am now staring at the section devoted to girls' clothes.

"Okay," I say. "What do we get?"

"Shirts, dresses, skirts, pants, underwear," Renji says, shuddering at 'underwear', "We should've dragged along Rukia."

"Glad to see you think about me all the time," says Rukia, appearing with a grin. "Byakuya-nii-sama told me to come along, said you'd need my help."

"Yeah," I say, "Get clothes for Hisana, will you?"

"Hmn," she says, thoughtfully, "Isn't she _your_ child? Shouldn't you help with the clothes?"

I groan. And glare at her. Renji does the same.

"Fine!" she says, throwing up her hands. "Hisana!"

"Aunty Rukia!" cries Hisana. Why did we bring along Gigai's? They know who pushed over the rack.

"Mess in Aisle 2, Girls' Clothing," says a voice over the speaker system. I disregard it, roll my eyes at the surprise on the others' faces, and drag them to the middle of the section.

"Right, what should we get Hisana, Rukia?" I ask. Rukia looks thoughtful, and soon drags Hisana over to a section. I sigh, and head over to the cafe, Renji following.

After we buy two cakes and coffee for both of us, we settle down to watch Rukia drag Hisana all over the girls' section.

"This is gonna cost a lot," I remark to Renji, who's sitting next to me on the bench. Sighing, I lean back, and find Renji's arm draped over my shoulders. I don't particularly care.

"Hm, good think Yama gave us a limitless credit card, then," said Renji, waving it in front of my face. I swat his arm away, but grab the card.

"Awesome," I say, beaming. "When'd you get it?" I add, looking up at him.

"Remember when I disappeared off?" he asks. I nod, remembering that I yelled at him. "It was then, I went off to find Yama, and asked. He gave me it."

"Is he still on happy pills?"

"Yep."

"Great," I groan. Sighing again, I fall asleep. Seconds later, I feel Renji's head drop onto mine, and decide he's done the same.

--

Isshin grinned at the sight. Byakuya, standing next to him, shook his head in disbelief.

"Isn't it great?" asked Isshin eagerly, lifting his camera, and taking photos of the couple.

Byakuya nodded, and took a few photos, before heading off, to find Rukia and give her advice.

Renji shifted in his seat, so that he was leaning against the seat. Ichigo murmured, and shifted too, so that he was sitting, basically, in Renji's lap, head on Renji's shoulder, arms wrapped around Renji's neck. Renji, in reply, wrapped his arms around Ichigo's waist.

Isshin smirked, and took a dozen more photos, glad he was not in his Gigai. Byakuya was, and therefore could not take as many photos, lest some human thought he was a pedophile.

--

"Meh," I grumble. "What's happening?"

"As cute a couple as you look, right now, we need you to pay for all the clothes," said a voice, Rukia's.

Groaning, I lift my head, and yawn. Then I realize where I'm sitting.

In Renji's lap.

In his lap.

His lap.

ARGH!

Yelping, I leap away, ignoring the stares from the humans.

"What am I doing in your lap!" I ask Renji, well, scream-ask.

"The two of you fell asleep, and shifted, presumably naturally, into that position," says Byakuya. Renji, who woke at the same time as me, stares in mortification, at my former position.

"Let's pretend that never happened," he says slowly. Then, we notice the _**huge**_ pile of clothing.

"That Hisana's?" I ask slowly. The three people in front of me, Hisana, Byakuya, Rukia, nod. We stare at it.

"Sure she'll need that much? Won't she grow out of it?" asks Renji.

"Firstly," says Byakuya, "Yes, as the daughter of my former Fuku-Taichou, she does. Secondly, she'll grow out of it very, very slowly. As it is, some of the clothes are slightly too large for her. She has clothes to grow into."

"And I want it!" exclaims Hisana, the puppy dog eyes coming on, "I want all of them. They're so pretty!"

"I suggest you buy them," said Byakuya. I sigh.

"Fine," says Renji. "We'll buy them. Glad Yama's paying for this."

We head to the counter, dragging the trolleys, yes, trolleys, behind us. The girl's eyes widen, and she stares speechlessly at the pile of clothing.

"Oi!" I say, waving my hand in front of her, "You gonna scan these things through, or what?"

"Um, er," she tears her eyes away and eyes me, a small smile coming on, "Sir," she says, dipping her head politely, "Are you sure you can pay for all of this?" she smiles invitingly. I grin at her, and am about to nod, when...

"Yep," says Renji. "Now do ya job, already."

I'm glad Rukia, Byakuya and Hisana have headed off to the cafe.

As we wait for her to scan the items through, we note the twenty different tracksuits, the fifteen kimonos, the twenty five different obi sashes, the thirty pairs of shoes, sixteen skirts, twenty tops, and twenty one dresses. That's not even all of it... Gah!

"Jealous," I mutter to Renji.

"Am not," he scowls at me.

"Jealous," I say, jabbing him in the stomach.

"Am not."

"Jealous," another jab.

"Am not.

"Jealous."

"You're the one flirting with the shop assistant," he says. I ignore this. I don't flirt.

"Yes, you are so jealous!" I jab him again, only, this time, he grabs my hand, and grips it tightly.

"Don't jab me," he snaps.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I say, ignoring the fact that he's holding my hand.

The shop assistant finishes scanning. Renji moves forwards and, glaring at the shop assistant, who's noticed the hands, swipes the card through, and pays. The credit card holds out, to the shop assistant's amazement.

It did total around three thousand dollars.

--

Isshin smirked as he took a dozen photos of Renji and Ichigo holding hands. This was too good.

--

I sigh, and study the number of bags we have, around thirty. Turning around, I find Byakuya, Rukia and Hisana walking towards us.

"Hey," says Rukia by way of greeting, looking between us. I follow her line of gaze, and quickly tug my hand out of Renji's, blushing madly. Renji blushes as well, and we look like nothing's happened.

I hope. I'm not too good with the innocent look.

"Drive," I say, pointing to the first trolley. Byakuya's eyes widen.

"Are you ordering my sister to ...do menial tasks?" he asks. I hurriedly shake my head.

"No, no, but who will?"

"Why don't you?" he asks. "It's your child's clothing."

"I wanna drive!" yells Hisana. She reaches up, but can't reach the handle. Laughing, Renji bends, picks her up, and lifts her. Hisana grins happily, and starts pushing the trolley. I roll my eyes, pick her, and put her in the child seat.

"Mummy!" she wails. "I wanna drive."

"You're not," is all I say. Hisana's eyes widen. ""Cause you'll only make Renji fall over and hurt something, and only I'm allowed to hurt Renji."

"In bed," mutters Rukia. I kick her.

"Okay!" says Hisana. "I won't drive then!"

"AWW!" yells a sale assistant. I spin around. "Look, girls! That guy and that guy," she points to Renji and me, "Are in love! Yaaaaaoi!"

"Huh?" I ask.

"And they even have a child! And they're really rich, cause they bought heaps of clothes for her!" cries the sale assistant who scanned our stuff. "It's so cute!" she swoons.

I stare at them. Rukia stares at them. Hisana stares at them. Even Byakuya is staring at them. Renji is not. He is smiling at them. Flirtatiously. I am not happy.

"Hey, girls," he asks. As one, they turn to him, like a pack of wolves, "Could you help my lover, my friend, and her brother, and our child, get all these clothes home?"

"SURE!" they yell. I stare at them, and watch as they grab all the trolleys, and eagerly push them, before turning. "Where'd you live?"

"I'll show you to a friend's place, we'll take it from there."

"Yep!"

"Lover?" I mutter to Renji, as we lead them to Urahara's place.

"Shut up," he mutters. "I had to get them to help, and they're Yaoi fans, so..."

"Never do that again," I mutter.

"What?" Renji turns and grins at me. "Call you my lover, or flirt with the salesgirls?"

Damn. He must've seen the anger tick I know I got when he flirted. Damn that bastard.

"Both," I snap, brushing past him indignantly and storming on.

"Aw!" yells a girl behind us. "Did you two have a fight? Work it out, please, there must be more Yaoi in the world, and less broken up Yaoi couples!"

I twitch, and am about to tell them that we aren't a couple, when Renji grabs my arm, before entwining his fingers with mine.

"No, he's just having a bad day," he says, smiling charmingly. I just get more pissed off. Renji then wraps an arm around me, and pulls me closer. This day just keeps getting worse. "C'mon, Ichi, we're almost done shopping." He smiles at me, but mutters, "Don't tell them that we aren't a couple. They're fangirls, god knows what they'd do."

"Change the 'almost' to 'over and done with shopping' and I'll be happy," I growl at him. Renji grins, and

...

Did he just kiss my forehead?

...

...

...

...

...

...

No way in hell.

--

Isshin's eyes widened with absolute glee. He pulled his camera up and took several quick photos. Renji kissed Ichigo's forehead. That was better than could have been expected. Sweet. Fantastic.

Flicking through his photos, Isshin soon found three of Renji's lips pressed against Ichigo's forehead.

The Shinigami Women's Association would pay millions for that.

--

My mouth is about to drop open, and I'm about to assault Renji and beat him into next century. He did not kiss my forehead.

Judging by the screams of the salesgirls, he did.

I WILL KILL THAT BASTARD!

I'm about to torture him to death, when Renji mutters in my ear.

"Sorry, had to do that."

"I will _kill_ you later," I growl back at him quietly. Pulling away, I scowl at the fangirls, who are swooning with delight. Death glaring them all, I grab Renji's wrist, and turn to face him. The bastard grins happily, and wraps his free arm around my waist, drawing me closer.

"We'll continue that when we got home, ne?"

The fangirls scream with delight.

"Sure," I growl, knowing he actually means the killing.

"OHMYGAWD!" screams one of the girls. "YAOI LOVE!" I death glare her. She softens her voice. "Of, course! Gomen! You don't want to do anything in public, ne?"

"No, and not in front of _Hisana_, too," I growl. I'm doing a lot of growling. Understandably, of course.

During this exchange, Renji has, thankfully, let go of my waist. Unfortunately, I've lessened my hold on his wrist, so he's twisted free.

And wraps that arm around my waist.

"Ne, Ichi, let's get going. The sooner we get home, the sooner the fun begins."

I interpret this, hopefully correctly, as 'let's have a fight'. The fangirls...They interpret it...With that _disgusting_ mind of theirs.

"OHMYGAWD! Bedroom, here they come!"

I yell, and grab Hisana, covering her ears, scowling at the fangirls. Hisana's already heard too much, I can tell.

"Eh, Mummy, what do they mean?"

"Are you the uke? Funny, I never," The fangirl stops speaking when I slam a foot into her stomach.

"Shut up!" I yell. "My poor daughter!" I wail pathetically. Yeah, this day really has gotten to me.

Renji is kind of shocked by my outburst, and wisely decides to rush us all to Urahara's place.

Urahara answers with a sly beam. I'm instantly worried. The fangirls/shop assistants deposit all the stuff and leave, and I'm definitely not sad at their leaving.

"So it is true! Renji-kun and Ichigo-kun have had a child!" he says delightedly, raising an eyebrow. I elbow him roughly as I enter.

"Shut up, you perverted shop keeper," I snap.

"Oh, Renji-kun! Have you been denying him a little something in the bedroom? Is that why Ichigo-kun is son angry?"

Renji and I glance at each other, and then we reach a silent truce.

Five minutes later, Urahara is desperately in need of Tessai's help.

We've beaten him up pretty badly. It was good.

Gah. I think I'm turning into Kenpachi.

...

I hope not. One is bad enough for the world.

Anyway, Byakuya took Hisana to another room, I think to the underground cavern thing. The shopping has gone with them.

Renji and I leave our Gigai's where Byakuya, Rukia and Hisana's were left, and we go down as well.

Anyway, after avoiding a heap of Hisana's innocent but still horrible questions about Urahara's questions, and the fangirl's comments, (for which I swear to murder the fangirls for later) we get through the portal, and back to Seireitei.

And so, about ten minutes later, I've put Hisana to bed, and am accepting a cup of tea from Renji. Then, I flop into a couch, wondering if I've become over protective of Hisana.

I think I have.

Damn.

Sh&t

F&ck.

Insert a heap of curses too vulgar to actually print here.

Ah. F&ck.

Q. Who cares?

A. Everyone who's gonna tease me about this.

Which translates into... nearly everyone.

Reinsert those curses, thanks.

"What are we going to do tomorrow?" asks Renji. I glance at him. He's sitting next to me.

"What about tomorrow?

"Captains' meeting. With vices. And Yama's asked us to bring Hisana."

"WHAT?!" I explode, throwing my cup of tea into the air. It somehow ends up in my hair.

Renji, of course, being the bastard that he is, cracks up.

"OHMYGOD!" he yells, pointing at me and laughing. "You look so funny!"

"Shut up!" I yell back. "You'll wake Hisana!"

"Won't you?" he asks, pointing out that I yelled too. I scowl at him and march of to the spare bathroom to wash my hair. He follows me.

"Want help?" he asks. I'm having trouble getting the cup off, it seems to have glued onto my hair.

Goddamn it.

I want to throw the cup into the deepest regions of hell. I need to get it off first.

So I let him help.

He tugs on the cup.

It won't budge.

He tugs harder.

No result.

He tugs even harder.

It budges.

And I go with it.

I fall backwards, letting go of the sink, and land on top of Renji, who's fallen under my weight. Groaning, I turn over. Slowly, I realize what position we're in.

--

Isshin watched them, smirking happily, camera going.

Their lips were pressed against each other. He took a couple of photos before the camera beeped.

Isshin looked at the camera and swore. Memory Card Full. Damn. All 231 photos? Taken? Damn it.

--

I stare at Renji; his eyes staring back at me. Slowly, his arms wrap around me, and I close my eyes.

His lips are surprisingly soft, and supple. Not like what I expected, but hell? Who cares?

I wrap my arms around his neck, and raise one hand to the back of his head, pressing him against me.

Then I realize what we're doing.

So does he.

HELL?!

WHY THE F&CK ARE WE KISSING?!

DAMN THAT BLOODY TEA CUP! I BET ISSHIN PLANTED IT!

I leap away, freeing myself from his grasp. Note use of 'freeing'. We're both on our feet, staring at each other. With mortification.

Renji gulps, and says, "I'm going out. I need a couple of drinks."

I nod, gripping the sink so hard my knuckles are white. "I'll stay here with Hisana. Make sure...she sleeps." I give the excuse weakly. It's pathetic, I know, but f&ck that.

He leaves, fists curled, neck really tense. I stare at his back, and retreat to my room... Actually, it's more like our room. Damn it.

Why the hell did I kiss Renji?

WHY!?

Okay, it was an accident.

"Sure," says Shirosaki. I scowl at him. He's just materialized.

We go to the lounge. I thank Kami-sama for making me sound proof all the rooms. Hm. That means Renji can't wake up Hisana by shouting in the lounge room. I won't tell him that.

"What?" I snap at him.

"Aw, c'mon. Can't a hollow chat to his master? Especially when his master is about ta get married? To a guy?"

"Shiro," I tell him, "If you have nothing of value to say, go. Now."

"Just that Zanny and I wanna congratulate you on gettin' married to such a nice guy," grins Shiro. I'm horribly reminded of Gin. Gah.

Shiro sits and studies me. I'm unnerved. So, I go to get tea, only, I remember what happened last time I drank tea. So I ignore the tea, and make myself hot chocolate.

"Ya enjoyed that kiss, didn' ya?" asks Shiro. I stare at him.

"Why would I enjoy that kiss?" I growl.

"Evidence in that you responded," says Shiro. I stare at him.

"Please," I snap, "What would you have done?"

"If I _enjoyed_ it, I'd've responded. Like what you did," says Shiro, "Or, if I hated it, then, I'd've kicked him away, and call him a pervert."

"Really?" I snort. I'm trying to ignore the obvious but unsaid thing. I apparently enjoyed the kiss. Gross.

"Admit it Ichi. You liked the kiss."

"Did not." I'm adamant on this. I'm gonna put my whole famous stubbornness behind this.

'Cause I really do not want to admit that, deep, deep, _deep_ down, I liked that kiss.

That's gonna stay in the very _deepest_ part of my mind. It shall _not_ see the light of day.

Because, if I admit that I liked this kiss, then ... I don't want to go there.

Shiro grins at me, and disappears again.

I sigh, and go to bed. Damn hollow. He knows what I think.

--

Isshin grinned at the three photos of Renji and Ichigo kissing.

**A/N: Whoa. Long chapter, eh? Cruel one, too. I keep thinking, what if Ichigo and Renji read this fanfic...I'd be dead. **

**Seeing as it took just a day for you guys to get past my limit, I'm setting a higher one! Especially since I need to stay ahead of you guys!! Soooo. TWENTY FOUR REVIEWS! Before I update! Cruel, ain't I? So yes. 24 reviews, I update. Hm? That's... TEN Reviews. Not that hard, eh? (I changed the limit three times, guys. I figured I was being mean with some of the others). **

**Anyway, thank you to everyone who reviewed! I grin whenever I see the reviews, and my mum probably thinks I'm going mad!! But, I love you guys!! SO HAPPY! **

**Oh, and I need help. First: What's Yachiru's last name? I used it in the last chapter, and I know i got it wrong. Gah. So, please, tell me. Next: Yachiru's nicknames for Isane, Chojiro, Iba, and Rukia. What are they? I need them for this story. Make 'em up if you want. I have no imagination. :P **

**Edit: Grammar, typos. usual.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Meeting the Family

When I wake up, I was laying in the middle of the bed, arms wrapped around Hisana. As corny as it sounds, I actually study her in the morning light. Her blonde hair is, seriously, permanently tied in ponytails. She will _not_ let me tie it up any other way. Gah.

That's when I realize that Renji is hugging me to his chest. GAH!

I spin around and slam my elbow into him.

"WHAT THE F&CK!?" he yells.

"What the hell? Why were you hugging me?" I demand. We wake Hisana.

"MUMMY, DADDY! Don't argue!" she wails at us, clambering onto me, and glaring at both of us. She clambers over me, and is now between us, arms crossed over her chest, pouting magnificently. We scowl at her.

"We weren't arguing," I growl at her.

"YEAH RIGHT!" she snaps. "Why were you yelling at each other?"

Neither of have an answer.

"Nice going, Einstein," Renji snaps. "We weren't arguing. Sure."

I glower at him. "Let's get ready," I snap, choosing to ignore our little morning arguments. "We have that captains' meeting."

Renji's eyes widen, and he shudders. "Just close the curtains first. Mega, mother of all hangovers."

I slap him. "Your fault for drinking." He glowers at me. I smirk.

After we get ready, Renji and I in our usual robes, Hisana in a light blue kimono and white obi sash (which took far too long for her to pick out; I can't wait until she's a teen, GAH!) we head to the meeting hall.

Slowly.

Very slowly.

I mean, who would rush to what is really an emotional torture session no doubt devised by Soi Fon/Yoruichi for something neither Renji nor I can remember?

Anyway, so, we finally get there.

And we walk in.

Together.

Hisana toddling in front of us, Renji and me flanking either side.

And what do we hear?

Not talking.

Not chatting

THE F&CKING WEDDING MARCH SONG!

ARGH!!

I stop, and stare. Renji does the same. We're both blushing like hell, but that goddamned wedding march song is just...TORTURE!

Dun, dun, duuun, dun, dun, duuun.

"STOP IT!" I yell, drawing my Zanpakuto, looking around for the source of the hideous song. Renji does the same.

Everyone snickers.

"So what do you think?" demands Yama, rushing towards us. "Should we play that one, or do you want another song?"

"Huh?" asks Renji. "What for?"

Yama stops and stares at him. "For your wedding of course!" he exclaims. "Don't tell me you've forgotten, _already_!"

"Oh," said Renji slowly. Someone's, thankfully, turned off _the_ Song. I sheath my Zanpakuto, death glaring anyone who dares laugh/smirk/chuckle/smile or in any show that they find this funny.

Which they all do.

Bastard traitors.

"Where's Hisana?" demands Yama suddenly, spinning around to search for the girl. I draw her out from behind me.

"But, Mummy, I don' wanna face that scary old guy!" wails Hisana, clinging to my leg. I sigh, bend down, and pick her up.

"As scary as he is, you can't be scared of him. Think of him like he's your...grandfather!" I reply, ignoring the smirk/chuckle/laughter from the captains/vice captains.

"MUMMY!" she wails, clinging to my shoulder, and burying her face in the nook of my neck. Yama appears beside us.

"ARGH!" she yells, staring at him.

"Don't tell me you're scared of me," says Yama, bringing out worryingly good puppy dog eyes. I'm scarred for life.

"He, he," giggles Hisana. "You're funny, old guy." She tugs on his beard. Yama falls over, well, stumbles.

"Hey!" he snaps. "Don't tug on my beard."

"DO THAT AGAIN!" screams the pink haired devil, aka, Yachiru. Hisana stares at her.

"Yay! Yachiru! I didn't know you'd be here!" she yells in delight.

"Well I am! And make old guy stumble again!" she replies. Hisana tugs on Yama's beard. Yama stumbles.

"Okay, now, you gotta meet everyone else!" says Yachiru, tugging on Hisana's arm. They're around the same height. I can imagine them growing up together.

Let's just say, not good. Not good at all.

I shudder again. Yeah, the future doesn't look too bright.

"Okay, so you met Old Man. Now meet, Soi Fon, aka, Yoruichi Obsesser," says Yachiru, indicating Soi Fon, who blushes madly.

"And then, there's Emo Guy, or Kira. And, Braidy, Unohana. And you know Orangey Berry, Ichigo. And, ByaBya, Byakuya. And, Doggy, Komamura, and Pink Cloaky, Shunsui, and you know Reddy, Renji, and Whity Shorty, Hitsugaya, and Ken-chan, Kenpachi, Clown Face, Mayuri, and Whity Tally, Ukitake."

Hisana nodded. "Right, got all their names. Thanks, Yachiru!"

"That's not everyone! That was just the Taichou! Now, we gotta do all the Fuku-Taichou's!" exclaimed Yachiru. Hisana nodded, letting Yachiru start.

I wince as she goes onto the vice captains, with nicknames like Demon Cat (Yoruichi), Bun Girl (Hinamori), Robot Girl (Nemu), Serious Face (Chojiro) and so on.

By the time she'd finished, many were death glaring Yachiru, who was oblivious. Hisana nodded, and proceeded to recite the names.

Unfortunately, she'd only remembered the nick names.

"Hisana," I said desperately, "Don't you remember the actual names?"

"Huh?" She looked at me innocently. "They're too boring, Mummy."

I death glare Hisagi, Kira, Kenpachi, Shunsui, Mayuri, and a heap of others. Obviously, some people aren't gonna get over the 'Mummy' thing. I'm happy to help them, but Yama might not be too happy.

Actually, would Yama react at all?

Ya see, Yama-jii, while the nicknames were being delivered, decided to go to one of the corners. Now, he's skipping around.

Renji follows my stare, and gapes openly.

"Yama-soutaicho!" he cries, rushing over to the geezer. "Are you okay?!"

Everyone follows him, amazed to see our leader jumping around singing the Peanut song.

"Found a peanut, found a peanut," he mutters. Looking up, he sees us, and grins. "Hey everyone! How are you? Today's such a brilliant sunny day, ain't it?"

I look outside, with half the top order of the Gotei 13. It's raining.

Yeah, so much for the brilliant, sunny day, ne?

"Yamamoto-soutaicho," begins Byakuya, voice and face as expressionless as always, although I swear he seems a bit nervous, "Is anything wrong?"

"No, not at all Byakuya-bou, but don' call me Yamamoto-soutaicho, that makes me feel old!"

Need I point out just how old the geezer is?

That's when Chojiro comes, and drags Yama away, looking embarrassed.

All us captains and vice captains stand there, looking stunned.

"Did he get the wrong medication or something?" asks Shunsui, finally. Everyone turned to Unohana and Isane.

"Possibly," replies Unohana. "My division is overworked, after all. It's possible his medication may have been mixed up with someone else's."

"He's on medication?" asks Kira, looking surprised.

"Yes, for constipation."

"Didn't need to know that," mutters Hisagi, looking green. We death glare Kira.

"Gomen," he mutters. Suddenly, he rushes out of the room, and we can hear him vomiting. Hisagi leaves to check on him.

"With whose medication?" asks Mayuri. "It may be possible for me to undo the changes."

"No," says Unohana. "I'm not letting you anywhere near him. And besides, we don't know if the medication was mixed up, or if it's just a side-effect."

Chojiro reenters, holding a bottle of pills. Unohana takes it, and studies the contents. She looks up, looking unhappy.

"Kira's happy pills," she says.

"Kira's on happy pills!" exclaims Renji, and Hinamori.

"Yes."

"Didn't have much of an effect," Renji mutters.

"Let's head back to, 'Yama's on happy pills'," I say.

Half the captains and vice captains groan, and sink to the floor. Whether from standing up so much, or from unhappiness at 'Yama's on happy pills', I don't know.

That's when Hisana and Yachiru proceed to grab the bottle of happy pills. Both take a few each.

Can we just re insert those curses from above? The ones too vulgar to print?

"Yay!" screams Yachiru, running around. Hisana joins in, and then they proceed to run around us, dodging, weaving, I can tell Hisana's gonna be good at defense.

Hell, why am I thinking about that?!

My daughter's on happy pills!

Hang on.

...

...

_My_ daughter?

F&ck.

I'm getting attached to her.

Renji and I race after Hisana and Yachiru, both of whom having left the room. Kira and Hisagi are laying on top of each other, both looking stunned.

"Any reason why you're on top of each other?" asks Renji, slowing down to talk to them.

"Pink blur. Blonde blur," stammers Kira, pointing in the direction of the offices. Yachiru and Hisana. Damn.

Sh&t.

"Ah, Yachiru and Hisana got their hands on happy pills," Renji explains, "So, yeah."

Automatically, Hisagi summons a Hell Butterfly, well, a swarm of them. He talks to them for a few seconds, and then, sends them on their way.

"What did ya do?" I ask.

"I sent a warning," he answers. I shake my head in disbelief, but, still, it was a needed move.

"Oh," I add, as I prepare to shunpo away, "you might wanna get off Kira, unless ya really like it, in which case, get a room, guys."

Smirking, I ignore the insulted yells from both of them and shunpo away.

Renji has managed to round up a few people to help: Dad, Byakuya, Nemu, Unohana, Isane, Kenpachi, and Komamura. Kira and Hisagi joins us after a while, shooting me death glares.

"Okay," I say. "Last witnesses, well, the ones I know, said she was going in that direction," I point in the same way as Kira and Hisagi," So we'll go after them. In the end, I reckon, the line of destruction'll probably give them away."

"You're treating this like there's a few Hollows loose," remarks Dad. I stare at him.

"Daad, Hisana and Yachiru on happy pills _equals_ a couple o' Hollows loose," I reply, sounding deadly. With that, I take off after them.

Renji follows me, and then there's the others. We spread out in a triangle formation, and I eye the shocked/worried/stressed/upset faces of the Shinigami surrounding us. They've seen Hisana and Yachiru, I know.

"FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEAAANUT TONIGHT! FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT, FOUND A PEANUT!" yells two voices, terribly out of sync, and out of tune.

Hisana and Yachiru. Ah, damn. I rush in the direction of the voices, and find the two standing on the execution hill, linking arms, and singing at the top of their voices - surprisingly loud for two tiny bodies.

I stare at them for a few seconds, before I realize something. Swearing, I start shunpoeing to the hill.

"Ichi! What's goin-OH MY GOD!" exclaims Renji, staring at them. They look drunk.

"They're gonna fall!" yells Kenpachi. He rushes forwards, and stands under the hill, watching the two worriedly.

I never knew he had such a soft side. It's kinda scary.

"Kurosaki Maskai Hisana! Yachiru! GET DOWN RIGHT NOW BEFORE I KILL YOU BOTH!" I yell at them, running towards the pair. They turn and face me.

"Mummy," says Hisana, slurring her words, "What's gonna happen?" She takes a drunken step back.

"HISANA!" I yell, and grab her. She'd stepped back, and I'm now dangling off the edge of the cliff, clutching Hisana's wrist. Yachiru's latched onto my back, giggling madly.

"ICHI!" yells Renji. He rushes towards me, and grabbed my middle, and yanks me back.

"ARGH!" I yell as I'm dragged back none too gently over the rock. "Renji! Try to be gentle!"

"Hisana! You okay?" he demands, grabbing Hisana and checking her over.

"Hey!" I snap. "What about me?!"

Renji gives me the once over. I have a couple of scratches and bruises. I know that. "You're fine," he says, before turning his attention back to Hisana.

I grunt grumpily, before grabbing Yachiru and sitting her on my lap. I feel so inferior. Gah.

"Ichi! Ren! Hisana! Yachiru! You okay?" asks Dad-no, he shall only be Isshin, as the others run up the cliff.

"Fine, fine," I mutter. Unohana shakes her head as she studies the bruises and the cuts I got.

"These look bad, Kurosaki. You'll have to come with me to Fourth, I'll get you some salve for the wounds," she says. I flash a triumphant smile to Renji.

"Any way to get these two off their highs," he asks, nodding to Yachiru, who's been picked up by Kenpachi, and Hisana.

Unohana shakes her head. "No, they'll just have to wear it off," she replies. I sigh.

"Let's stick them in a training dojo," I say. Everyone nods in agreement.

**A/N: well, it took you two days. only two days. Soo, i shall set a limit of thiry five reviews, that's twelve reviews. You can do it. can't you? **

**Stupid question.**

**Anyway, i've realised that i haven't done a disclaimer. Sooo. **

**I own nothing. Except Hisana Masaki. Who's mine. hehe. Oh, and I own the fangirls. No offence to Myer, I'm sure your sales girls aren't yapi fangirls. **

**This chapter is dedicated to AZjanus and hanabi857 who both wrote two reviews each since i posted the last chapter. I have nothing to say on that. **

**Oh, and, anyone who points out any typos, mistakes, etc gets extra cookies. Reviewers get brownies, and people who point out mistakes get cookies. 'Kay?**

**So, twelve reviews before i update, peoples. and the next chap, which is already written, invloves Kenpachi and Hisana meeting, if that's incentive enough for you to click on that button and review. **

**Edit: some verb tense changes**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter What to do if your supposed partner and you argue. Also, what to do when your child wants to visit the deadliest division on the planet.

"Gah," I mutter, stirring. Stretching, I felt my hand hit the head board, but ignored the dull ache.

"Stop it," mutters a voice. I look down, and find Renji's head on my chest.

"Get off me," I mutter, scowling at him. I shall stay calm. I shall stay calm.

I shall not stay calm.

"JUST GET OFF ME ALREADY!" I scream in his ear. Thank god Hisana was sent to Fourth for surveillance.

"SHUT UP!" he yells back. He sits up, and glares at me. "I just wanna sleep! God damnit! Is that too much to ask!?"

"Yeah! Don't sleep on me!" I yell back. He glares at me.

"Oh sorry," he says sarcastically, "I didn't know sleeping on you _by accident_ was illegal!"

"Accident or not, I did tell you not to sleep on me!" I snap back.

"Fine! I'll sleep on the couch!"

"We're not allowed to, remember," I growl back.

"ARGH!" he yells, throwing his hands in the air. "What do you want me to do, then?"

"Just don't sleep on me!" I snap. "Don't care how you do it, just don't sleep on me!"

"And just how do you think I'm gonna do that?!" exclaims Renji. "God, Kurosaki, do you ever think about whether something can be done before you do it or demand it!?"

"Hey! Do you wanna wake up with a guy sleeping on you!?"

"I wouldn't care!"

"Slut!"

"Oh, what did you call me?" he growls, leaning forwards, and glaring at me. His reiatsu pikes.

"You said you wouldn't care if you woke up with some random guy sleeping on your chest! So, slut!"

"Do you wanna know why I said that?!" he growls.

"No, I don't care!" I snap, turning around, to get out of bed. Renji grabs my shoulders and forces me to turn back to him. His grip is deadly tight.

"Cause, right now, the only guy who can sleep on me happens to be you, Kurosaki, and I really could not care less if you end up sleeping on my chest!"

I scowl at him, not really believing him. Renji leaves, storming to the bathroom, probably knowing I don't believe him.

I do _**NOT**_ like waking up with Renji sleeping on me, and I don't believe that he wouldn't care if it happened vice versa. I just can't stand waking up with a guy sleeping on my chest. It reinforces that I'm about to get married to another guy, I've got a 'daughter' and my life has basically taken a turn for the worse. ARGH!

Letting out a deep furious breath, I leave the apartment, after changing my clothes, and make my angry way to fourth division. I need to pick up, Hisana, after all.

I get there, and make my way to the specially devised children's wards. These are reserved for Rukongai children injured by hollows, Yachiru, and a very, very angry Hitsugaya (who, after freezing the entire hospital, was allowed to stay in the normal wards). Also, any kid in Seretei.

Now, it's also for Hisana.

I enter her room.

And nearly pass out.

"Heya, Ichigo. Wanna fight?" asks Kenpachi, grinning. I frown, and glare at him.

"What on earth are you doing here?" I growl.

"Well, you see. Yachiru was put here for the night, so I came to get her. She wanted to see Hisana, so I came with her. Simple, ain't it?" he answers, grinning at my furious face. "Hey, I'm not a lethal force to her, or anything, am I?"

"You're dangerous, yes," I answer. "C'mon, Hisana, we're going home."

"No!" she answers, bouncing up and down on her bed, with Yachiru besides her doing the same. "I wanna go to Eleventh! I wanna see Feather Facey and Baldy!"

"Pachinko!" corrects Yachiru.

"Yeah! Pachinko! Feather Facey! I wanna see them!" she says.

I mentally groan, and slap my head. WHY!? Out of all the divisions, why eleventh!? NOOOOO!

"No, Hisana, not Eleventh." Yachiru glares at me.

"Yes! Hisana-chan is going to Eleventh with me and Ken-chan!" she says. "And you are gonna fight Ken-chan!"

"Why are you bossing me around, Yachiru-_fukutaicho_?" I ask, making sure my captain's cloak can be seen clearly.

Hisana and Yachiru give me death glares, clearly saying, 'we are going to go to Eleventh, aren't we?'. Kenpachi joins in. Deadly.

...

I hate them all.

"Let's check with Abarai first," I say weakly.

"Abarai? What, a lover's argument?" asks Kenpachi, grinning. "Ain't ya gonna call him Renji, or Pineapple? What's with the last name use?"

I slap him, and dodge away before he can do anything.

"Oi," he grumbles, rubbing his head. I scowl at him. I'm not into the mood for any of this, and this next person who teases me will feel the full power of Zangetsu. I swear it.

"Okay," says Hisana. "What did Ken-chan mean by 'lover's argument', Mummy?"

I groan.

"Hisana, just ignore anything Kenpachi says, okay?" I ask. "Kenpachi, _die_."

"Oh, so over protective, aren't you, Mummy?" he sniggers.

Death glaring him, I mutter, "Fight, tonight, 11th division training grounds."

Kenpachi grins manically, and nods eagerly. I sigh, thinking of how stretched Fouth Division will be, and how pissed Unohana is going to be. Che. Don't care. I've heard Yuzu's pretty good with kido, I can go to her if Unohana refuses to treat me. Can't go to Orihime, though, she's in the real world. Che.

Sighing, I turn to Hisana. "C'mon, let's go home." She nods, and jumps off the bed, leaning easily on the floor. Yachiru does so as well, and the two look at me.

"Mummy," Hisana says, tugging on my robes, "Can Yachiru come visit me? Please?" she begs.

Why? Why, out of everyone, did she have to befriend Yachiru? WHY!?

Cue pathetic wail.

"Fine," I grumble. Kenpachi gets up, and walks out of the room, before turning to look at Yachiru.

"See ya at Eleventh in about an hour, Yachiru. If ya not there, I know to blame Ichi. And Hisana, you wanna have lessons in fighting?"

"Blame me?" I ask. Somehow, I'm not surprised. "And no, Hisana does not want lessons in fighting."

"Mummy! I wanna have lessons in fighting!"

"Yeah, you. And, we're gonna have to arrange a time for Hisana's lessons." Kenpachi gives me a deadly grin, and leaves. I sigh.

"C'mon."

We get back to my apartment: Yachiru shunpoing while carrying a large bag (the shunpo scared me – she can SHUNPO?! The bag – I'd rather _not_ know about) and me carrying Hisana and shunpoing.

Renji meets us in the living room, rubbing his hair dry with a towel. He eyes Yachiru warily, glares at me, and grins at Hisana. Mood swings. Quick ones. Puberty?

"Yachiru came over for an hour, then she's gotta get back to Eleventh. Hisana wants to go to Eleventh for a visit. And," I move closer, and mutter into his ear, "I'm gonna have a fight with Kenpachi tonight."

I move on, and enter the kitchen, seeing as my stomach is forcibly reminding me that I haven't eaten anything today. Glancing up, I see Hisana and Yachiru playing on the floor, and that when I notice the stack of dolls that Yachiru's brought with her. That explains the bag she had.

Cue a shudder.

I see no Renji.

"Kurosaki ICHIGO! What the hell are you thinking?!" rants someone behind me. I turn around very slowly, and glare at Renji, who's glaring at me from the opposite side of the kitchen. "FIGHTING him!? Kenpachi? Are. You. Nuts?" he demands.

"No, I'm not," I say calmly, sipping a cup of hot chocolate. I've been permanently thrown off tea.

"You. Are. Such. A. Baka!" he exclaims.

"I'm not," I reply. Renji glares at me, looking extremely pissed off. "What?" I ask weakly.

"What if he kills you?" he demands.

"First, I think both of us would know better than that," I reply, "Second, why does it bother you so much?"

"It's not me, it's Hisana. How's she going to react?" he demands.

Damn, hadn't thought of that.

"Will she find out?" I ask. Renji growls, and grabs the cup of hot chocolate out of my hands, before throwing it down the drain.

"Oi!" I protest. "I wanted that! First thing I've eaten or drunk this entire day!"

"Good for you," he replies, still angry.

"What's got your zanpuktou in a knot?" I demand. Funny how Shinigami phrases can slip into your every day speech.

"Oh I don't know, just that you've arranged for a fight with possibly one of the most feared Shinigami in the whole of Soul Society!"

"Ya know, only this morning we were arguing, and I'm pretty certain you wanted me dead. And besides, I beat him last time, didn' i?"

"Yeah, but you nearly died! And I don' wanna have ta deal with a bawling Hisana! Gah, Ichigo! Why the hell do ya have ta go and fight Kenpachi!?"

Unfortunately, Yachiru hears us.

"Oh! Is Orangey gona fight Ken-chan?!" she exclaims, jumping up onto the kitchen bench. "Ken-chan's gonna have loads of fun!"

"Mummy's gonna fight Ken-chan? Will Mummy be okay?" asks Hisana.

"I'll be fine, Hisana," I reply, rubbing her head.

"We gotta tell everyone!" says Yachiru suddenly, looking at us.

"NO!" I yell, staring at her, jumping back. "Nuh uh! No way in hell!"

"Renji-kun! Ichigo-kun!" calls a voice. Isshin walks in, grinning. He stops, stares, and grabs a camera from his pockets. "Say cheese!" he calls. I stare at him.

--

Isshin grinned as Renji and Ichigo stared at him. They looked quite cute with Renji's hands draped on Ichigo's arms, Ichigo leaning back into Renji.

--

Ah. Sh&t. Why do Renji and I always have to end up in embarrassing positions? WHY!? Does Kami-sama hate me!?

Death glaring Isshin, I turn back to Yachiru and Hisana, having freed myself from Renji, only to find both of them gone.

"Damn!" I swear. That's when Byakuya walks in.

I gotta get a new lock for that door.

"Kurosaki, Abarai," he says, glancing at Isshin, who grins at him. "I hear Kurosaki is to have a fight with Zaraki tonight."

"So Yachiru's already told you, huh?" I ask calmly, getting a cup of coffee.

"No, she's stuck posters around Seiretei."

"Oh."

"I expect you know that you ought to call this fight off, Kurosaki, the welfare of your daughter ought to come above your desire to fight," says Byakuya. I sigh.

"That's what I've been trying to tell him," says Renji, crossing his arms over his chest and scowling at me.

I sigh,

"It's just a fight. A spar. I can defeat him. Why's everyone making a huge deal outta it?"

""Cause no one wants you dead. Hisana'll end up with only me. And besides, only I should be allowed to kill ya."

"I'm. Not. Gonna. Die. End of story. C'mon, you guys should trust me enough to know I'm not gonna die on anyone."

I scowl at everyone, making mental plans to kill 'em all.

"Taicho!" calls Hinamori, rushing into my apartment. Yep, need that lock. "You're gonna fight Kenpachi, right?!"'

"Yes I am. No I'm not gonna die. I'm not calling the fight off either," I reply. Hinamori looks surprised, but then shakes her head.

"No, it's just that Ukitake-taicho asked if he could have the Academy students come. Says it'll be a great opportunity for them."

"Oh." I'm surprised. Hinamori's not bothered about me fighting. Awesome fukutaicho, did I tell you that? Extremely organised. Why'd Aizen want to betray her, I'm not sure. "Yeah," I add, shrugging, "It's fine. Have you checked with Kenpachi?"

"Of course," she replied, smiling, "He said just make sure they didn't pass out from the reiatsu. So, the Kido corps are going to set up a blockade." She grinned at me. I smiled, remembering Yamamoto's orders for me to force her into the Kido Corps. I had, and she was now the commander.

"Anyway," she said, heading to the door, "Good Luck, taicho!" With that, she rushed out.

"See," I say, turning back to the others, "That's how you're meant to react." With that, I turn and head to the door.

"Where are you going?" asks Renji.

Without turning around, I answer, "Get a bit of training... although," I add, remembering, "We have to find Hisana ...and Yachiru."

There's silence. I turn around slowly, and glance to the clock. "Damn," I mutter. All three Shinigami there raise an eyebrow. "We have just under fifteen minutes to find Yachiru, Renji, and return her to Kenpachi, unless you want him to hunt us down."

Renji gulps and follows me out of the apartment. Isshin and Byakuya follow.

Pausing, I close my eyes and soon find the unmistakable reiatsu of Yachiru's. So far, I haven't sensed anything from Hisana, and besides, Yachiru is, shock horror gasp, my primary concern. Yeah, having Kenpachi hunt you down is worse than fighting him. If he's hunting you down, he's pissed, and a pissed Kenpachi is worse than... anything you can think of. It's that bad.

Even Byakuya, who everyone's afraid of, knows better than to piss off Kenpachi. That's how scary he is. Only Unohana isn't scared of Kenpachi. She must have blackmail on him or anything, _he's scared of her_. Seriously. WTF?

Pfft. Anyway, so we rush after Yachiru's reiatsu, which is in Thirteenth Division. That's bad.

You know why?

'Cause of Ukitake. Yeah, Ukitake, taicho of Thirteenth, long white hair, student of Yama, one of the first students of the Academy, yadda yadda. He's really nice.

It just freaks out anyone when he's got Yachiru with him.

Why?

Ukitake has an endless store of candy. No one knows where he gets it from, or when he gets it, or anything, but we know what he does with it.

He gives the candy out.

To anyone who asks.

Toushiro gets candy regularly, which pisses the midget off, he doesn't like being treated like a kid even though he sure as hell looks like one. He does look slightly older, but not by much. He looks around twelve, eleven, maybe ten. He's got a serious problem with how he looks, and always acts older than his age. I know how he feels, we're both young, or look young, so we need to work harder to get everyone's respect. But seriously, you're left to wonder whether Toushiro actually has some random self esteem problem.

Anyway, candy + Yachiru serious problems. I'd rather fight Aizen again than deal with a sugar high Yachiru. That's how bad it gets.

We reach his office, and I can feel Yachiru's reiatsu along with Ukitake's. (In case you're wondering, I got better at feeling people's reiatsu from the Winter War, or the WW). Sighing, I turn to Renji, seeing as Isshin and Byakuya left us.

"Right, Yachiru's in there, possibly with candy, and probably on a sugar high. What are we gonna do?"

"You're creating a battle plan." He seems pretty stunned.

"What?"

"You never create a battle plan. I'll bet you'll go into the fight without a battle plan. Who are you and what have you done with Kurosaki?"

"Look, will you stop using my last name?" I ask, frustrated as hell. "And just shut up about the whole fight with Kenpachi thing. And, last, this is sugar high Yachiru we're talking about. Normal, she's a pain in the ass. Sugar high, that girl could send Byakuya into a mental health clinic." I glare at Renji before knocking on the door.

"Come in," calls Ukitake. I enter the room, followed a few minutes later by Renji. We find Yachiru and Hisana sitting the middle, surround by candy wrappers, empty, all of them. I know, the bulge of the candy is missing.

Oh bloody hell.

"Hey Hisana, Yachiru," I say weakly. I'm automatically glomped.

"Mummy!"

"Orangey!"

"ARGH!"

Yeah, kinda obvious who said what, ne?

"Hello, Ichigo-kun," said Ukitake, smiling at me calmly. I smile weakly.

"Hey, Ukitake," I reply, prying the two girls off me. "Now, Yachiru, you gotta go back to eleventh and see Kenpachi. Hisana, you're coming with me."

"Yay! Ken-chan!" squealed Yachiru. Honestly, she's the only person I know who'd actually want to see Kenpachi. "Oh, Hisana-chan, can you come?"

"NO WAY!" both Renji and I yell at the same time. We death glare, in order, Yachiru, Hisana, and then each other.

"Mummy! Daddy!" wails Hisana, grabbing our robes. "Lemme! Please!"

"Maybe it will be a good thing," said Ukitake before either Renji or me can say no, "She will need to meet all the Shinigami soon, especially since she will be living here. And, as Yachiru is friends with her, I don't think anyone will have the nerve to threaten, bully or in any way harm her."

I whimper. And glare at him. Because, hell, he wants us to take Hisana to the _**ELVENTH DIVISION**_! _**ELVENTH**_! The _deadliest_ division in Soul Society!

"Please Mummy? Daddy?" whimpers Hisana. I sigh, and look at her.

And wish instantly that I didn't.

She's pulled out those puppy dog eyes, and they're on at full power. _FULL_ power. ARGH! Why does she have to have such powerful puppy dog eyes?! I weaken at pathetic ones! Her's...NO!

"Fine," Renji and I grumble. Hisana and Yachiru cheer.

"Thank you Mummy! Daddy!" she cries, hugging us both before yanking on Yachiru's shoulder. "Where's Eleventh, Yachiru-chan?!"

"Yay! We gotta see Pachinko! And Feather Facey! Yay! C'mon Hisana-chan!" cheers Yachiru before shunpoing off with Hisana clinging tightly. Both were screaming in delight.

"Hang on!" yells Renji. "C'mon Ichigo! We gotta go after them!"

I'm dragged unceremoniously after Renji. Glancing back, I see Ukitake shaking his head, smiling. I shudder, and turn back.

"I can shupo myself, you know," I snap, detaching my arm from his grip. I can see people sniggering. Sick minded perverts.

Sighing, we shunpo to Elventh Division.

And hear screams.

"WTF?" mutters Renji, staring at the room where the screaming is coming from. "That's Ikkaku's room, I think."

"Yachiru," I answer. "And Hisana. C'mon."

We head into Ikkaku's room.

**A/N: Yeah, I know. Not enough reviews… I was feeling kind… but mean enough to end this on a cliffhanger…Dun Dun Dunnn…what's gonna happen in Ikkaku's room?! Review and then ye shall discover the meaning to life!**

**Not.**

**Sooo… I'll keep my old limit of 35 reviews. Yeah. Seven reviews and I update. Ain't that nice?**

**I'm reading peroxidepest17's Bleach Drabbles. There's five hundred. 500. I'm only at 149. Gah. It's good though, you should read it.**

**After you've reviewed, of course.**

**Oh, and who wants me to write out Ken-chan and Ichi-chan's fight? I shall write it out, if ya want. Or if you're fine with me not writing it……**

**But many thanks to all who reviewed. Esp. Lia-Osaka 92, hanabi857, AZjanus, MizzMorris, fendstrat.chick, animemaster 62. You guys all reviewed constantly. Thanks!!**

**Disclaimer: own nothing save Hisana Masaki, the yaoi fangirls, and..that's it. Sadly… I wanna own Bleach!! **

**Soo… review. And I shall update. Happy? **

**It's a fair bargain. XD**


	7. Chapter 7

Chap How to have a breakdown.

"Hisana! Do not suck on Ikkaku's head!" Renji snaps, striding across the room, and tugging the girl off Ikkaku's head. "Sorry, Ikkaku. Won't happen again, right Hisana?" Renji death glares Hisana.

"But Yachiru does! And Pachinko tasted funny!" she giggles madly.

I sigh. Letting Yachiru befriend Hisana had not been a good idea. "Yachiru can because...she's a special case," I say finally. I then notice Ikkaku sitting on the ground, shivering uncontrollably. "Err, Ikkaku, you okay?"

"Do...I ...look...okay?! That girl is a danger to Shinigami everywhere!" he screams. I twitch, feeling an anger mark beginning on my head.

"Oi! Don't call her a danger to Shinigami everywhere! She's perfectly fine!" I snap, tugging her out of Renji's grasp and hugging her to me, scowling at Ikkaku.

...

"Did I just say that?" I ask finally, after a dramatic pause, in which the two male Shinigami in front of me stare at me, looking shocked. Renji nods, very slowly. I stare at him, mortified, and slowly let go of Hisana, who slides down to the ground safely.

"NO!" I wail pathetically, beating the nearest wall with my fists. "WHY!? WHY ME!?" I fall against the wall, sobbing manically. Finally, after five minutes, I stop sobbing, and, wrapping my arms around my legs and burying my face in my knees, I start to rock back and forth.

--

Isshin stared at his son having a mental break down. Grinning, he took a couple of pictures, and waited for a) Renji to be coerced into helping Ichigo, and b) for someone to realize he was standing in the room.

--

"Hm, Renji?" ask Ikkaku, staring at me. I continue to rock back and forth.

"Yeah?"

"What's he saying?"

"Dunno."

"Why me? Whyme? Whme? Wme? Whye? Why does everything havta happen ta me?" I mutter.

"What's he saying?" ask Ikkaku.

"GODAMNIT!" I yell, leaping to my feet, and throttling him. "I'm saying, Why me? WHY ME!?" I wail. Sobbing, I fall down onto the floor again.

"He's cracked," says Ikkaku matter-of-factly. Renji nods, agreeing.

I glare at them.

"I have NOT cracked; I am merely releasing my emotion."

"Huh?" asks Ikkaku.

"Dude, he's cracked, nothing he's gonna say is gonna make sense," says Renji. I scowl at him before returning to my rocking.

"Kurosaki?" asks Byakuya. "Kurosaki?"

"You said my name twice -WTF? Dad-Isshin!?" I yell, pointing my finger at Isshin, who smiles happily. "NO! HE'S SMILING HAPPILY! THE WORLD SHALL END! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

I fall back to the floor, and crawl to the corner. There I take up my patented rocking position and continue to rock.

"Oh, er, Kuchiki. Yeah, Ichigo cracked. Badly."

"Shall he call his fight with Kenpachi off?"

"NO WAY!" I yell. "I need that fight! How else am I gonna forget that I being married off to that bastard," I point at Renji, who looks offended, "Already have a kid, who's befriended Yachiru, of all people, and that my life is pretty much ARGH! I can't take it anymore!" I continue to sob pathetically, while Byakuya raises one delicate eyebrow, and turns to Renji.

"Comfort him, Abarai."

"Hai, hai, Kuchiki," stammers Renji, already moving to me. "Er, um, Ichigo? Wanna go back to the apartment." Sniveling, I look up at him, and sigh.

"Yeah, yeah. Just... JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I wail. Renji stares at me, before scooping me up, and hugging me to him.

"Shut up already," he mutters. I pout, before continuing to sob. Hisana rushes into the room then. I never saw her leave...

"Daddy! Why's Mummy crying?!" she exclaims, jumping onto his shoulder, and looking at me concernedly.

"I don't know, Hisana. He's just crying," says Renji, before grinning evilly. I sweat drop as I'm placed in Ikkaku's chair, and Renji turns to Hisana.

"Can you make him stop crying?" he asks.

"THAT'S MY CHAIR!" yells Ikkaku indignantly. Everyone ignores him.

"Mummy," says Hisana slowly, crawling onto my lap and looking at me sadly, bringing out the puppy dog eyes. I scowl at Renji's growing smirk. "Please stop crying Mummy. It makes me sad. I love you. Don't cry."

She hugs me. Sighing, I straighten and hug her back.

--

Isshin grinned as he silently took pictures of when Renji hugged Ichigo to his chest, when Ichigo was laying in Renji's arms, and as Ichigo hugged Hisana. Isshin was very thankful he'd a) gotten a larger memory card and b) he'd got all the pictures taken off the old one, which was laying in his pocket, as back up.

--

I let go of Hisana and smile at her.

"Are you okay?" she asks, nestling against my chest. I leave an arm around her waist.

"Yeah," I reply, leaning back in my chair.

"Oh, that's," someone sniffs, "Very beautiful. I had no idea you were capable of that sort of lovely beauty," says someone entering the room. It can only be Yumichika.

"Yumi! Get him outta my chair!" exclaims Ikkaku, striding to Yumichika. Who, for simplicity, I'm just gonna refer to as Yumi.

"But why, Ikkaku? He looks _adorable_ in that chair with that _gorgeous_ little girl, Hisana. Who bought that _wonderful_ light red kimono for you, Hisana-chan? It goes so _very_ well with that pink obi sash."

"Hey Feather Facey! Yeah, Aunty Rukia picked the dress out for me! With Uncle ByaBya's help!"

"I _always_ knew the Kuchiki family had excellent taste! _Very_ well chosen, Kuchiki-Taichou."

"Thank you," he replies. I scowl at them all, and grab Hisana from Yumi, and march to the door.

"I'm going home to get some sleep before my fight tonight." With that, I let Hisana go, and leave.

Renji follows me, and, together, in absolute silence, we get to my apartment, though it's really our apartment now, and go in.

"I'm gonna shower," he says. I don't bother pointing out that he had a shower that morning.

I probably should start summing up why I had a breakdown, ne?

Okay,

1. I have a child. A daughter. Who's not actually mine. I'm supposed to care for her. WHY!? WHY ME!? Cue pathetic wail.

2. I'll have to guide her through life, growing up, etc. And...Oh God. Puberty. NOOOOO! Cue a shudder. I'll get...Rukia, or Inoue, or someone to deal with _that_.

3. And give her _THE TALK_. The ... birds and the bees...NOOO!

4. I'm also gonna get married to a guy. A person of my _own_ gender. WTF?

5. That person happens to be Abarai Renji. _ABARAI RENJI_! Why _him_ of all people?!

6. I mean, he had _Byakuya_ as his former Taichou, and Bya doesn't stop dropping in on us.

7. There's my dad too. Bloody Isshin. Bloody Goat Face.

8. And it's not fair Renji has to look constantly _offensively_ cute, and adorable, and _completely_ jumpable.

9. Wait.

10. I so did **not** say that.

11. That can be crossed out, double, triple crossed out, with a ton of white out on it.

12. I did not say Renji was offensively cute, and completely adorable. He's not. No way in hell.

13. He's definitely not jumpable. No way in hell. Definitely not Renji...Yeah. Nuh uh. Nope. Negative. Wrong. Incorrect.

Groaning, I flip around so I'm laying on my stomach in the middle of the bed, legs and arms splayed across the bed.

"Oi, shove," says Renji walking in from the bathroom. I scowl at him, but move to one side.

"Wake me at five thirty," I say. "That's in two and a half hours, Renji." He sets the alarm clock, as he flops onto the bed. "And don't sleep on me," I add as an after thought. He scowls at me as he falls back.

"I'll try not to," he snaps. I smirk and fall asleep.

**A/N: giggles madly **

**yeah, I'm mad... get over it... hehehehe... i love the list.. **

**So... um...45 reviews? That okay?**

**Wait, why i'm asking you?**

**Definetely 45 reviews.**

**Hehe... Thanks to all who reviewed... YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter You're Worst Enemies

I wake up, snuggled up to a very comfortable pillow. It's a nice one, I think, as I hug it tighter.

"Oi, Ichi, don't hug me like that," mutters the pillow.

Wait.

Pillows don't mutter.

"Argh!" I yell as I leap away from Renji. His chest is bare, that's where I've been sleeping.

"What now?" he grumbles. "Get back here, Ichi, you were comfortable."

"Shut up you bloody pervert!" I yell. Grumbling, I get out of bed and head to the bathroom. I can hear Renji sigh and turn over, obviously going back to sleep.

Ten minutes later, I grab an energy bar and munch on it as I head to Eleventh. Soon, Renji joins me, and together we head to the battle ground, slash training ground specially designed for Eleventh. Yeah, they need their own training ground. Pathetic, ne?

"OHMYGAWD!" yells a very, sadly, familiar group of voices. Renji and I turn.

The Yaoi fangirls are there.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

WHY ME!?

"OHMYGOD! You're the Kurosaki-sama! And you're Abarai-sama! You're the heroes of the Winter War! And you're in love, hoooow cuuuuute!" exclaims the fangirls, remaining in a freaky sync.

"What the hell are you doing here!?" yells Renji, pointing and staring at them, with nothing but pure shock on his face.

"We died, obviously, and ended up in the Academy. OHMYGOD! We so wanted to meet you!" they yell, again together.

I'm getting more and more unnerved.

"Well, go," I say. "I'm gonna be fighting Kenpachi, so, you might wanna leave..." I suggest hopefully.

"You're gonna be fighting Kenpachi! But he's ...like! The strongest guy ever! Aren't you worried, Abarai-sama?"

Huh? Why are they asking him about being worried? I'm the one fighting...Oh. Right. They're asking if he's worried about me.

Do not say that I am slow. I'm just...My brain's not working normally. I'm shocked. Okay?

Wipe that grin off your face Rukia.

"Well, um, yeah," he says weakly. "And drop the 'sama', girls."

"But you're soo awesome that you gotta be called Abarai-sama, Abarai-sama!" exclaimed a few of the girls, again in sync.

"Aww, that's soo cute! He's worried about you, Kurosaki-sama! That's sooo cute!" yell the others.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" they suddenly chant.

WTF?

I stare at them.

"NO WAY AM I KISSING RENJI IN PUBLIC!" I yell at them. They stare at me in sad silence. I cross my arms over my chest and glare at them. Renji is still in shock.

"No way am I kissing the Strawberry in public," he says finally.

"In public?" says the leader of the fangirls, grinning suddenly. "Aww! Do you kiss in private?!"

"NO!" we both yell. Some of the Shinigami stare at us, and then notice that we're talking to fangirls. At that point, we get a nice large clear area around us. No Shinigami likes fangirls, except for the most insane ones. Ya know. Shunsui. Mayuri (he likes freaking 'em out).

"Hey, students," says Ukitake, appearing with his usual gentle smile, "I hear that the fan store near the Academy has new figurines."

"OHMYGAWD!" yell the fangirls, "NEW FIGURINES! SWEET!" With that, they all dash off.

"Oh God," I groan, falling to the ground, "All the fangirls are here. Tell me that new rule's in place."

Yama introduced this law which says that any fangirl who becomes a Shinigami can't become a seated officer without passing a huge pile of tests, mainly psychological tests. Let's say that that law is probably my favorite.

"Don't worry, Ichigo-kun, I doubt they'll pass."

"Good."

"The first time anyway."

"NOO!"

"Take anger, frustration, fear out on Kenpachi," remarks Renji. I nod, sniffing slightly, and head into the circle, grinning at Hinamori, who's managing the kido barriers.

"Right," says Kenpachi, grinning, "Thought ya wouldn' come, Ichigo. You mighta chickened out."

"I don't chicken out," I reply calmly, lifting my Zanpakuto.

We circle each other warily, and then Kenpachi swipes at me. I block the blow to my head, and then block a rather fast follow up, which was aiming for my other side.

I grin, knowing this is gonna be a great fight.

Kenpachi swipes at me, but I throw my reiatsu up and block the blow. Grinning sadistically, I release my hollow, and smile at him.

"Let's fight at full power, Zaraki," I say. Kenpachi grins, and rips off his eye patch. I feel sorry for the Kido Corps.

"Hope your lover boy doesn't mind you bein' ripped up," he says.

"Lover boy? Renji? No, he's not my lover," I say.

"Oooh, don't break the Pineapple's heart," he replies, continuing to throw blows at me which I dodge, well, most o' 'em. I get cuts to my stomach and both arms so I restore the worst of the damage, not too bothered about blood loss or any of that.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever Ken-chan," I reply, hoping he'll get riled up by the use of his nickname.

Predictably, Kenpachi growls at me and slams his Zanpakuto down on my head, but I dodge away before any damage is done.

Grinning, I ask, "Losing ya touch, Ken-chan?"

"Shut up Strawberry," he growls. Smirking, I fire two quick ceros at him. Kenpachi dodges the worst of them but gets a few burns.

"Oh....You are so going to pay for that," he growls.

We have a nice fight in the middle, me using shunpo to get to and from him, and we land a couple of blows on each other. I'm gonna wake up tomorrow black 'n' blue.

About half an hour passes with us just landing, or trying to land, blows on each other. By the time we pause, panting, Zanpakuto's pointing to the ground, we're grinning.

"Told ya you should have a rematch," grins Kenpachi. I snort.

"Why'd I wanna do that? Too much time 'n' bother."

"Eh, c'mon, Kurosaki. You're doin' this, ain't ya?"

"To let of some steam," I reply. Then, I shunpo forwards and raise my Zanpakuto. After delivering a withering number of quick fast blows, most of which he dodges, I pause, grinning.

"Yeah, this is good," I say, grinning like mad. Kenpachi laughs.

"See why I like ta fight?" he asks, with a huge stupid grin plastered all over his face.

He rains blows onto me, which I either dodge or parry, but, he suddenly knocks me down onto the ground, pressing his Zanpakuto at my throat.

"Ya dead, Ichi," he says triumphantly. I raise an eyebrow, and, grabbing his hand on the hilt, yank the Zanpakuto away and pull myself up. He groans "Cheater," with a grumpy but amused sigh.

"Am not," I say, swinging my Zanpakuto. Kenpachi dodges the blow, but let's go of his Zanpakuto.

It hits me on the head.

"Oooh," I groan, swaying. My hand goes flying with my Zanpakuto in it, and I dully hear it thwacking Kenpachi. Then, I fall onto the ground; the last thing I hear is Renji screaming my name.

**A/N: I updated for two reasons…a) Your reviews made me soo happy! And B) Sob I become really utterly busy for the next few months, and I won't update regularly, not that I already do.**

**So here's what I'm gonna do. I'll try to keep to a regular once a week update. If I don't, it's a two chapter update to make you guys happy. Okay? **

**Here's the thing. Reviews make me remember to update. So…review and you get your weekly hit of SGTP crackness. 'Kay? Review peoples. **

**But huge thanks to everyone who reviews. YOU GUYS ARE THE EPITOMES OF AWESOMENESS! **

**And yes, the yaoi fangirls are BACK! mad laugh **


	9. Chapter 9

Chap After Fighting the 11th division captain

I groan. And groan again. And then, I wake up. God, I feel like crap.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Kenpachi knocked you out," answers Renji, from where he's sitting in a chair.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Isshin wouldn't leave, apparently I had to 'stay with my partner'," he replies, sounding disgusted.

I groan again, and fall back onto the bed, rubbing my head. I find bandages but ignore them, having had bandages around my head way too many times for me to worry about them now. Looking up, I ask,

"What happened to Kenpachi?"

"He got knocked out too. Still out, from what I heard."

Unohana chooses that moment to breeze in.

"I see you are awake, Kurosaki," she remarks. She checks over my injuries, a couple of cuts to my arms, and legs, a gash in my stomach, and a cut to my head. Bruises all over, and a sprained wrist, as well. Damn it.

"Hmm, not too bad. Have no idea what you were thinking, fighting that oaf of a Taichou, but at least you're not injured badly. Or knocked out, or in a coma, or dead. Kenpachi doesn't know when to stop, that bastard. No idea why he was made a Taichou, Yamamoto shouldn't have let him, he killed his former Taichou after all. Honestly, Ichigo, extremely stupid to fight that oaf, you should never have done so. Well, you're fine, I can let you go - it says something that you're the first patient who's ever been let go the day after their fight with Kenpachi, doesn't it?"

I stare at Unohana in open mouth shock. Hell? She's ranting on and on about Kenpachi, and it is kinda scary...

"Um, Unohana? You okay?" Renji ask.

"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?" she asks sternly. Renji gulps and shakes his head.

I get out of my bed and stretch tiredly, picking at the plain clothes I've been placed in for my stay at Fourth. Unohana tosses me my clean clothes from yesterday as she leaves, and after kicking Renji out, I change into them. Then, after tidying up the room a bit, I leave with Renji.

"Where's Hisana?" I ask.

"Sleeping over at Eleventh."

"WHAT!?" I demand. Why's Hisana sleeping over at Eleventh?! She's too young to sleep over, and it's _Eleventh_! She shouldn't be allowed.

"Yeah, Yachiru dragged Hisana away after your fight ended, and next thing I know, Ikkaku's telling me that they arranged a sleepover while you were having a breakdown."

"And you didn't stop them!?"

"Hey, do I look like I wanna be assaulted by that pink haired devil?"

"But..." I trail off miserably.

"Look, we got a letter from Yama; he wants us to introduce Hisana to every division."

"WHAT!?" I explode, louder than last time. Half the Shinigami turn to face me, suspicion and amusement on all of their faces. I shoot them all murderous death glares, at which all of them promptly return to whatever they were doing.

"What. Did. You. Say?" I demand again, this time in a lower voice.

"Yama. Wants. Us. To. Take. Hisana. To. Every. Division. Don't. Know. Why. Said. Something. About. Getting. Her. To. Meet. Every. Division," he replies. "That easy enough for you to understand?"

I groan as I wrench open the door to my house. Okay, I should probably describe my house more, ne? I basically only use the top floor, 'cause it has a nice view. The bottom floor is basically not used. The building used to be a small apartment block, but Seireitei was so pleased by what I did in the Winter War that they gave me the entire building. Anyone who protested was told to head off and kill Aizen. Anyway, so I only use the top floor. I have a garden too, a pretty nice one, with a pond in the middle and trees around it.

I take one look in the house, shake my head, and head back outside. Renji rolls his eyes and follows me.

"So when do we start?" I ask, dumping myself on a bench. Renji sits next to me, and shrugs.

"Whenever we want, I suppose," he replies. I sigh.

"Okay, it's Thursday today. We start tomorrow, with Second. Then Saturday, I wanna meet Karin and Yuzu, then Sunday, Isshin said something about a family party," I shudder, "Then Monday, we can get started with Third, and yadda yadda."

"Great," Renji says unenthusiastically. I shrug, and absently lean against him, wincing as a bruise on my back makes its presence known.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Never been better," I reply, sarcasm working in quickly. Sighing, I come to a decision, and stand, "Right, I'm going back to that training place where I got Ban Kai, there's a healing spring there." Renji nods, and stands.

"I'll go with you."

"You know, you don't have to come with me to everywhere," I reply.

"MY SON! YOU ARE OKAY!" exclaims Isshin, bounding into the garden. I death glare the bastard.

"What do you want, _Isshin_?" I ask.

"I am your father, dear Ichigo! Address me as Dad!"

"No. You're too embarrassing."

"Oh! Why do teenagers have to be so picky! So fussy! So against their poor parents!" he wails pathetically.

I roll my eyes and leave for the healing spring, making sure to knock out Isshin while I'm at it.

"Ahhh," I say happily as I sink into the healing spring and lean back. "Ooh, this feels good."

"You're being feminine."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" I explode, slapping Renji, who's sitting opposite me.

"Mood swings," he remarks. "You pregnant or PMS?"

"Renji?"

"Yeah?"

"_Die_."

"Sure," he says, unbothered. When he sees my raised eyebrow, he shrugs. "What? I get death threats all the time."

"Okay," I say weakly. "Anyway, did you get my manga?"

"What manga?"

"BASTARD!" I cry, slapping him again. "There should've been a manga on the doorstep! Did you get it?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, I did."

"Good," I reply. Now satisfied, l lean back against the wall, sighing as the water continues to fix my bruises and cuts.

"Why?" asks Renji, turning to face me.

"Oh, people have been known to steal Naruto manga if it's left out. Shows how obsessed people get. Probably just the fangirls, anyway."

"Oh no, Byakuya's obsessed as well," he says calmly. "Only don't go trying to blackmail him over it. He'll just Senbonzakura you."

"Senbonzakura isn't a word," I say. "It's a noun, seeing as it's the name of Byakuya's Zanpakuto."

"Y'know, half the captains' Zanpakuto's' names are used as verbs and not nouns," Renji replies. "There's Hitsugaya's, Matsumoto goes on about how she'll be 'Hyōrinmaru'ed'. People say they wanna be 'Zangetsu'ed' and others say they'd prefer being 'Zabimaru'ed'. You get what I'm saying?"

"That the level of Japanese has dropped in Soul Society? Yes," I say. Renji rolls his eyes, and leans back, enjoying the water. I eye him; he has his hair out and falling down around him, looking kinda...cute.

No. Did not say that. No way.

"Oh, and I wanted to know, Ichigo?" asks Renji, opening one eye. "Why did we make Hisana a Kurosaki when I'm meant to be the father?"

"Because, unlike you, I have a father who's gonna go bonkers if Hisana isn't a Kurosaki, and do you wanna see Isshin go bonkers?"

"He's already bonkers, Ichi," Renji replies.

"Even more bonkers. Yes, it is possible," I add, seeing his dubious expression. "Why'd you wanna know, anyway?"

"Che, some random Shinigami asked me yesterday. I figured I had no idea myself. So I asked you."

"Right," I muttered. Shrugging, we both fall into silence. Then, I fall asleep.

--

Isshin smiled manically, and glanced at Byakuya who was grinning himself. They turned their attention to Ichigo and Renji, who were both sleeping in the healing spring.

Ichigo was laying on Renji's chest. Renji had his arms wrapped tightly around the teenager, and was resting his head on Ichigo's shoulder, almost nuzzling the boy's neck.

Ichigo, on the other hand, was turned slightly, so that he could easily rest his hand on Renji's shoulder, and was resting his own head in the crook of Renji's neck. His other arm was wrapped around the red haired Taichou.

"This is too good," muttered Byakuya. Isshin nodded in happy agreement.

--

"Ooh, what happened?" Renji murmurs, waking me. I stir as well, and eye our position, before groaning, and falling back onto Renji. "Oi, Ichi, don't you hate it when we wake up like this?" he asks.

"Shut up," I mutter. "I'm tired, I fought Kenpachi yesterday, and I feel like crap. Lemme sleep," I grumble, almost falling asleep. Renji laughs, and starts to play with my hair. "Stop it," I mutter, slapping his hand away, or trying to anyway. Not easy, really, with our position.

That's when Renji starts to massage my shoulders.

"Ahh, thanks, Pineapple," I mutter, smiling as we shift into a better position. Now, I'm against the wall, and Renji's on top of me, massaging my shoulders. "When'd you learn massaging?"

"Rukongai, Rukia always insisted on being massaged. All the guys loved to massage her back. I wasn't one o' them, but I learnt how to."

"She was treated like a princess," I remark, but sigh happily and fall asleep again, with Renji now massaging the upper part of my back.

--

"They're so cute together," murmured Isshin as he took more pictures. Byakuya shook his head in amazement but smiled at the thought of all this blackmail.

--

An hour later, I wake up again. And again, I'm in Renji's arms, and we're in the healing spring. Sighing, I pry Renji's arms off me, and get dressed.

Then I consider waking Renji. Then I remember that he gets pissed if someone wakes him, so I decide not to. And so, leaving Renji in the spring, I shunpo home.

Sighing, I drop onto the couch and fall asleep again.

And, another hour later, I wake up again to see a very pissed of Renji.

"Oh, hey Pineapple."

"Ichigo," he says angrily, glaring at me.

"Err, yeah?" I ask weakly, backing into the couch, eyeing my Zanpakuto, which was on the coffee table, behind Renji.

"You left me in the healing spring."

"You were sleeping, I decided not to disturb you."

"Oh, and I suppose that's a valid reason for me having to undergo Isshin yelling at me?"

"Huh?"

"He told me not to let you out of my sight lest I 'face his fatherly wrath'. I've spent the better part of the last hour listening to him yelling with Byakuya watching."

"Oh."

"Bastard," he growls, poking me in the shoulder. He falls onto the couch, and slides under the beige blanket.

"Oi," I say, grinning, "My Blanky."

"WHAT?" yells Renji, falling off the couch and staring at me. "Blanky?"

Naturally, he takes the blanket with him, and I end up on top of him. We sigh, and he remarks,

"We gotta stop doing that." I nod in agreement before dropping my head onto his chest with a sigh. He shakes his head and ruffles my hair. I slap his hand away.

--

Isshin turned to Byakuya, with a Gin-style smile.

"I told you bugging their lounge was a good idea."

--

Sighing, I pick myself off Renji and we stand, only to fall back onto the couch.

"Get a feeling we forgot something?" I ask suddenly. There's something ...wrong. Like the apartment's too empty, or something. Renji frowns and nods. Suddenly, he looks at me.

"Hisana."

"Oh God," I mutter, letting my head fall into my hands.

We shunpo over to Eleventh, only to find it on fire.

"What the hell?" I demand. "I thought...it was impossible to set buildings on fire here!"

"Che, this is Eleventh," says Kenpachi, appearing next to us. "This your idea of a home welcoming present guys?!"

"Hai... er No! Taichou! Um, well, we were..."

"Concentrating so much on fighting you didn't notice the fire and therefore could not put it out?" suggests Renji drily, passing them. "Anyone seen Hisana?"

"Hai, exactly what Abarai-fukutaicho said, Taichou!" stammers the Shinigami. Kenpachi shrugs.

"Mummy! Daddy!" cries Hisana, running around a corner and literally glomping us. "I had so much fun!"

"Glad you did, Hisana, now time to go home," I say.

"But...."

"You've had an entire day, Hisana. Surely you've done whatever you've wanted to do?"

"Well, but..."

"Hisana. We are going home."

"Why didn't you pick her up earlier? You were discharged this morning," says Ikkaku, appearing and staring suspiciously at us.

"Well, we got...side tracked?"

"You were too busy screwing each other mindless?"

"NO!" I snap.

"Yeah, sure."

"Shuddup," says Renji. "Who did this fire, anyway?"

"Yachiru...and Hisana. Told you she was a danger to all Shinigami everywhere."

"And what about Yachiru?" I ask.

"She's not a danger to all Shinigami everywhere," snaps Kenpachi. I sigh.

"And what exactly started this fire?"

"A bunch of cakes that were being baked, but which Yachiru and Hisana forgot about. Then, they tried to light firecrackers, and then decided to play 'firefighters'. Wouldn't let anyone else deal with the fires. Miracle they're not injured."

"Right," I say. "Well... We're going home, Hisana."

"But... can I say bye to Yachiru-chan?!"

"Ohh, fine," Renji snaps. I sigh, and flop onto the ground. Renji joins me, and we wait for Hisana to come back.

"So," I say, "Where will you guys stay?"

"Che, there's spare rooms nearby 'specially designed for this sorta thing."

"I'm not surprised -GAH! WHAT IS THAT THING!?" I yell, leaping to my feet and backwards as a rocket launches at us.

"Yay!" yells Yachiru chasing after the rocket. Hisana follows her, and then launches her own one. A large white trail of sparks launch into the air. Laughing, Hisana chases after them, and falls back onto the ground and grins as she watches the sparks turn into a large white roaring dragon. Laughing, she falls back and claps her hands.

"What's going on!?" exclaims Hitsugaya, appearing with a Zanpakuto drawn.

"Hey Toushiro," I say weakly. He eyes me.

"Explain," he says.

"Well," says Renji. "Let's see. Eleventh Division Barracks are burnt down. Yachiru and Hisana have got fire crackers and lighting them all over the place. Other than that, nothin'."

"Where are you staying?"

"Spare rooms. Yama ordered them after ...last time."

Hitsugaya is significantly more relieved at that. I grimace. Last time, the Eleventh Division camped out at Tenth, and...well, there wasn't much left of Tenth Division offices or barracks after _that_.

"Yay! Whitey Shorty!"

"New nickname for Whitey!" announces Yachiru. "Let's see...Shiro-chan is used way too much. Hmm, Shiro-...What? I can't think of anything!"

"Lil' Icicle! Icicle-chan!" suggests Hisana, bouncing up and down. Hitsugaya stares at them, mortified. I bite back a laugh, and so does Renji, Kenpachi, and well, just about everyone there.

"Yeah! Icicle-chan! Whitey Shorty, you are now Icicle-chan!"

"WHAT!?" he demands. Automatically, the temperature drops. Hisana and Yachiru are encased in ice. I stare as Hitsugaya growls at them and then storms away.

"Oi!" Renji yells. "Unfreeze them, Hitsugaya!"

"No."

"Do it!" I growl, storming after him.

"Why?"

"Oh, for God's sake, Hitsugaya, grow up. Who cares about a stupid nickname? Unfreeze them already."

"No."

I pick him up by the scruff of his neck and growl into his face. "Unfreeze Hisana, then."

"Over protective mother, aren't you?" he replies, but unfreezes Hisana anyway. I drop him onto the ground in retaliation for that, and scowl at him.

"If I was over protective, I wouldn't be raising her here, at any rate," I say. Hitsugaya nods in agreement, and leaves. I turn back and find Renji picking up a shivering Hisana from a puddle of water.

Waving goodbye to the others, Renji and I shunpo home, with Renji carrying Hisana. At home, Renji changes Hisana's clothes, picking out a dry pair of pajamas. I make soup and feed it to her, after we stick her in bed. She soon falls asleep.

I re-enter the lounge to find Renji eating some of the soup.

"Hm," he says. "Nice. When'd you learn to cook?"

"I have too younger sisters, Renji, and a crazy father. My mum's dead. Normally, Yuzu'd cook all the meals, but if she was sleeping over at someone's house or whatever, we'd have to cook all the meals. Karin wouldn't, Isshin can't be trusted, hell, he blew up the kitchen once, so I ended up cooking."

"How many cases of food poisoning?" asks Renji, grinning. I roll my eyes and slap him.

He laughs and pulls me onto the couch next to him. I roll my eyes again, but stay there, leaning against the couch staring aimlessly at the wall opposite me.

I'm gonna describe my lounge room, because for five minutes, we did nothing.

It's basically an open space, with the kitchen adjoining it, and the dining room on one side, the side opposite the door. I have three couches arranged in a square sort of shape, with one side without any couches. That side faces the kitchen. Then, in the middle I have a rug and a coffee table.

"Hey, 'Berry-"

"Don't call me that."

"Whatever," replies Renji, "We should start thinking about using the bottom floor. Seeing as you have two people staying here full time, you'll need the extra space."

"Oh...Yeah," I say weakly. I had picked myself off the back of the couch to yell at him for using the name 'Berry' but now I fell back again. "You're being thoughtful, though, Renji. Sure you're the same person?" I grin at him.

"Shut-Shut up! I can be thoughtful!"

"Sure you can."

"Stop changing the subject," he snaps, looking flustered. I smirk. "Anyway, what do you wanna do?"

I sigh. "Nothing, right now." He scowls at me. "Okkayyy, um, I dunno. Did you bring in all of your stuff?"

"Changing the subject again, Ichi-Berry, and yeah."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" I snap, hitting him again. He grabs my wrist, and then entwines his fingers with mine as he brings it down.

"Don't hit your boyfriend, Ichigo," he says, grinning. I scowl at him, and attempt to yank my hand free. He's holding it too tightly though, so I sigh and lean back.

"Fine," I snap. "Seeing as you're in such a thoughtful mood right now, what do you reckon?"

"I think," he says, "we should move all my couches, cases, and all that stuff into the bottom floor, and demolish all the rooms except for a spare bedroom and bathroom, and maybe a kitchen. We can use it as something of a party thing, or something. Here, we can leave it, but maybe create a play space or something here in this room," he gestures around, "and leave it like that. Oh, do you have a spare bedroom, or something we can put her in?"

I stare blankly at Renji with my lower jaw somewhere on the ground.

"What?" he asks defensively. He scowls at me, but doesn't cross his arms over his chest, leaving his hand entwined with mine, which disappoints me.

"You...you actually...that...was...WHAT THE HELL!? Who are you and what have you done to Renji!?" I demand, waving my arms in the air. "That...was! Smart! Actually...wise! Argh!"

"Oi!" he yells, grabbing me with his spare hand. "I am smart! You just...don't..."

"You're so different..." I sniff.

"Well do we agree, or not?" he asks. I scowl at him.

"Not until we get you checked over. You're clearly not healthy, probably sick or something," I sniff. "You're clearly not the Renji we all know and love."

The moment I say that, I wish I hadn't. A purely evil grin appeared on Renji's face, and he was smirking as he pulled me closer to him.

"The Renji we all know and love, Ichi? What was with that?" he asks, grinning predatorily. I sigh, and look away.

"Expression. A famous one, too. I should've said, 'we all know and hate' or something."

"Really?" asks Renji, pulling me closer until I'm sitting on his lap. I look at him, and shrug. He raises an eyebrow.

"Really," I say.

He pushes me against the back of the chair and sits on my lap facing me, arms pressed against either side of my head. I look up at his face, resting my arms against his chest.

"You sure?"

--

Isshin cackled madly as he watched from the safety of his own house.

--

"Mummy? Daddy? What are you doing?" asks Hisana, appearing, playing with her pajamas, eyeing us.

Mortified, I push Renji away as I sit up. Renji blushes, a deep red as bright as his hair. I stumble off the couch and walk to Hisana.

"No, he's not. What did you want, Hisana?"

"Are you angry with me, Mummy? Did I interrupt something?"

"No, I'm not angry, Hisana. And no, you didn't interrupt anything. Now, do you wanna go back to bed?"

"I want a drink first," replies Hisana. I pick her up as Renji grabs milk from the kitchen and pours it into a glass. Hisana gulps it down, and then grins at me, with a milk moustache.

I wipe it off as I take her back to bed. Then, yawning, I fall asleep too, deciding not to think about what just happened.

Or, rather, what was about to happen.

**A/N: snigger Yes! I AM BACK! THE WORLD CAN REVOLVE AGAIN! **

**But not here for long. sob I'm having internet problems, which means i can't read as much fanfiction, or upload. Plus I'm busy. Gah. Anyway. So, yeah. I apologise for the general crappiness of this chapter, but I had the ailment all authors fear. ... dun dun dun... writer's block. I HATE IT! But, there shall be humour in the next chapter, which I might post now...Yeah. I will. Maybe. Um, and after that, another mostly humour couple of chapters, and then some (slightly angsty) ichiren chapters. As in _Mainly _ichiren. So look forward to it!! **


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Meet Second Division, try not to get killed

Letting go of my breath fiercely, I scowl at the eight slice toaster in front of me. I'd woken up, my face nuzzling Renji's neck and had not been happy. I hate my life. Really. Don't give me the crap about being really lucky/at least I'm not starving to death/I'm not a child slave/thank god I'm not involved in some random war (though I _was_). I mean, being forced to marry Renji and raise a kid, that's the worst thing in the world. Although, Renji's not really that bad...

No. Did not think that.

And, whaddya know? Speak of the devil, and, _poof_, he shall appear.

Renji slouches into the kitchen and eyes me.

"You still pissed?"

"Eloquent. And yes."

"Bastard," he mutters.

"What's that?" I ask sharply. He rolls his eyes at me, and ignores me as he grabs four slices of toast.

"Do we have to visit Second Division today?" I ask. He nods. Sighing, I go to get Hisana.

During the Winter War, there'd been a few changes made to the vice captain and above ranks.

First: Nothing

Second: Omaeda died, Yoruichi became fukutaicho (to Soi Fon's horror: 'Yoruichi-sama shouldn't have to deal with the lowly rank of Fuku-Taichou!' Creep.)

Third: Kira became Taichou, no vice captain yet.

Fourth: Nothing

Fifth: I became Taichou, Hinamori remained as Fuku-Taichou

Sixth: Rukia became vice captain

Seventh: Nothing

Eighth: nothing

Ninth: Renji became Taichou, Hisagi remained as Fuku-Taichou

Tenth: nothing

Eleventh: no change (sadly)

Twelfth: Everyone kept their positions, but Urahara was made head of that...Institute of Technology or whatever it is.

Thirteenth: no change, still no vice captain.

So yeah, going to Second with Hisana meant revealing her to the destructive force commonly known as Yoruichi. Or, as I heard Byakuya so aptly named her, Demon Cat.

I picked up a dressed Hisana and took her back to the lounge room, as she hugged me happily.

"Mummy," she said suddenly, "Can I have my own room?"

"Huh?" I asked dumbly, putting her down on a sofa and staring at her. "Whaddya say?"

"I want my own room? Please?"

"Why not?" asks Renji, coming over and looking at her. "You can have my old bed, we can have it moved from my house over here."

I shrug weakly, before cracking.

"Oh, Hisana's growing up!" I say happily, picking her up and hugging her fiercely. She laughs and hugs me back, nuzzling my neck.

"Okay," says Renji slowly, staring at me in shock. "That was...just ...weird." He stares at me.

"Hey!" I snap. "I'm allowed to be ...parental, ne?"

"Yeah...but that...was just...so...unlike you?" he tries weakly. "It was too...Isshin-like."

My mouth drops open. "No!" I moan, sinking onto the chair." I'm turning into Isshin. Noooo!"

Renji smirks and hands me some more toast. I absently begin feeding some to Hisana while eating some myself.

"Anyway, we should get going," says Renji suddenly. I scowl at him before forcing Hisana onto the floor and off my lap. Sighing, I rise and take Hisana's hand as we leave the apartment.

By the time we get there, both Renji and I are holding Hisana's hands, she's in the middle, and we are pointedly ignoring everyone's stares.

"Hisana-chan! I've heard soo much about you!" exclaims Yoruichi, bouncing to us in cat form.

"ARGH! Catty's talking!" exclaims Hisana, leaping backwards.

I smirk. "Yoruichi! You scared Hisana! You should be punished."

"No one should punish Yoruichi-sama!" snaps Soi Fon, walking towards us. She scowls at all of us, as Yoruichi switches back to human form (thankfully in all of her clothes). "Renji," Soi Fon says finally, dipping her head to Renji, "I received your Hell Butterfly. Thank you...for ...advising us."

"You mean warning you," I say drily. Soi Fon flushes. I smirk.

"Well, why don't we start showing Hisana around?" asks Yoruichi, saving the slightly awkward moment, probably with something she learnt as a noble. Renji and I nod.

"Whoa...Catty's a person."

"Catty," says Yoruichi, smiling. "Never heard that one before. Demon Cat, yes. Catty, no."

Hisana stares at her. "Why would someone call you 'Demon Cat'?" she asks.

"Plenty of reasons," I mutter, only loud enough for everyone but Soi Fon to hear. Yoruichi smirks, and Renji smiles in agreement.

We head into the Second Division offices, and as I expected, it's quite similar to all the other offices.

Except, of course, for all the ninja stuff, and all that.

"What's that?" asks Hisana, pointing to a torture machine. It's a boot with blades in it. You put it on (or rather someone (aka Soi Fon/Yoruichi/one of their minions) forces it onto you) and the blades pierce your foot. Painful. Wish Aizen/Gin/Tousen/Soi Fon/Yoruichi/Yama had to wear it.

"It's a special boot," says Soi Fon.

"Whoa! Can I wear it?" asks Hisana, crossing to it.

"No!" I snap.

"Why not?" asks Hisana, looking at me.

"It's a ... boot... for...torture."

"What's torture?" asks Hisana, looking at all of us.

Soi Fon explains, "It's a method used to punish or extract information from people who either deserve it or refuse to tell us the information."

"Huh?"

"It's only for bad people," I say weakly, glaring at Soi Fon. "Soi Fon, she's what? Four? Do you really expect her to understand that?"

"Yes."

I feel like banging my head against the wall.

"So can I wear it?" asks Hisana, looking at the boot. "Mummy...this boot has spikes in it."

"Don't wear it," I say, picking her up.

Mummy?" asks Yoruichi, smirking. "Uke, eh?"

I glare at her, not bothering to answer that perverted question.

"I'm gonna say that's a yes," she says. Rolling my eyes, I punch her in the arm. Automatically, Soi Fon's Zanpakuto's at my throat, pressing me against the wall.

"Do not defile Yoruichi-sama with your dirty touch Kurosaki!" she snaps, pushing the Zanpakuto against my throat. I stare at it.

"Err...sorry?" I try, weakly. Hisana's eyes widen.

"Mummy!" she exclaims.

"Relax Soi Fon," says Yoruichi gently, pushing her student away. "I'm sure Ichigo-kun didn't mean it."

"Apologies for the disturbance, Yoruichi-sama," says Soi Fon, bowing slightly. Yoruichi smiles at her, and gestures to all of us.

"C'mon! We're still in the hallway! Got so much to do, so little time. Only one day. I need more time to teach the girl..."she says.

"Teach who?" I demand, walking to her, and glowering at her. Yoruichi puts an arm out to stop Soi Fon's Zanpakuto arm while smiling at me.

"No one, of course. You must've misheard me," she says, still smiling.

That smile doesn't make me feel any calmer, it just stresses me out more.

Sighing, I rejoin Renji and Hisana. Renji grins at me and takes my hand, squeezing it slightly. It makes me feel instantly calmer, so I smile at him. Hisana latches onto both of us.

"There's the captain's room, which should rightfully belong to Yoruichi-sama-"

"I told you, Soi Fon, I'd like you to be Taichou."

"Still, I'd feel-"

"I know, I know. You've told me that millions of times, Soi Fon, but continue with the tour," Yoruichi says, sighing slightly.

"Gomensai, Yoruichi-sama. Anyway, Taichou's room, fukutaicho's room, where Yoruichi-sama resides, our joint office. Then, all the seated officers' rooms..."

I tune out. I already know all this stuff. So I don't listen. Until we get to the torture rooms, that is.

"These are our torture rooms. Kurosaki, do you want to demonstrate the use of some of these creations?" asks Soi Fon, grinning.

I stare blankly at her until I realize what's she's saying.

"Hell no!" I snap. "I'm not being your guinea pig for torture machines!"

"Aww, c'mon Mummy... Please?" asks Hisana. I turn and death glare her.

"I'm not gonna do it!" I snap. "Torture machines mean pain! I don't wanna be in pain!"

"But I wanna see how they work," grumbles Hisana, looking sad. I groan.

"If you wanna see how they work, then go to the torture rooms with Soi Fon and Yoruichi," I grumble back.

"Okay!" says Hisana cheerfully. God, her mood swings are this bad already, imagine when she's a teenager. Actually, let's not. "Yoruichi Obsesser and Cat Girl, can you show me how they work?" she asks, looking sweet and innocent.

Oh, how that so completely contradicts her personality. She's a whole lot meaner than her appearance lets on.

Soi Fon looks pretty pissed at her nickname and says nothing. Yoruichi nods eagerly, though, and begins to shunpo away.

"Hey!" Hisana calls. "I can't run that fast!" she pouts. Yoruichi turns, frowning.

"What?" she asks, shunpoing back. "Ichigo or Renji haven't taught you to shunpo?"

"No, and we don't plan to," snaps Renji. I nod in agreement.

"Can you?" asks Hisana, looking up at Yoruichi with her puppy dog eyes.

Why am I worried?

"Yoruichi-sama shouldn't waste her time like that," snaps Soi Fon.

"Oh, be quiet Soi Fon. Of course I'm gonna teach Hisana-chan to shunpo!"

"NO!" I snap. "Imagine what she could get up to!"

"Precisely!" chuckles Yoruichi. I death glare her angrily.

"Do not be so uncourteous to Yoruichi-sama!" snaps Soi Fon, backhanding me. I fall against the wall, having been caught off guard, but bounce back up, and glare at her.

"What would you say if your child was going to be taught to shunpo by her?!" I snap. God, she's annoying.

"I would be grateful and proud!" she replies. I stare at her.

"Considered going to a psychiatrist lately?" I ask coldly. Grumbling, massaging a bruise appearing on my face, I turn to Yoruichi.

Only she's not there.

Neither is Hisana.

Sht.

Renji and I dash down the corridor, veer into an adjoining one, and follow Yoruichi's reiatsu to a training dojo. It takes us what? Half an hour? God, she took a helluva lot of U turns and circle following.

Hisana is shunpoing around happily. Oh God. Oh no. Oh the-world-is-going-blow-up-and-it's-not-America's-fault-it's-Yoruichi's.

"Yay!" she cries, shunpoing towards us, and leaping onto me. I stagger backwards under her weight, and then grab her, glaring at Yoruichi, who's sniggering happily.

"She's a quick learner," remarks Yoruichi, crossing towards us. "I reckon, she could go in and get out of the Academy in one year. Then, she could rise to third seat in Second in one decade. She gives Hitsugaya a run for his money."

"You're assuming she'll come to Second. I'm gonna make sure that never happens," says Renji. I nod in agreement.

Seriously, think about it. The three highest ranked women in Second Soi Fon, Yoruichi and Hisana? Please. It'd be worse than Yachiru actually being a Taichou, and there's been petitions to make sure _that_ never happens.

I mean, people have been known to have nightmares over that.

(Admittedly, it was a clinically insane guy from Eleventh who'd just been forced to take care of Yachiru for a month, but _still_...)

"Oh she's coming to Second all right," says Yoruichi, with a maniac glint in her eyes. "Or else, I'll make sure whichever division gets her doesn't get a second of peace."

"And if it's First?"

"I've got contacts, Abarai, I've got contacts."

"I hope you're not abusing Yoruichi-sama, Abarai, Kurosaki," says a dangerous voice. I gulp. Soi Fon.

"Soi Fon-chan! _Kurosaki_ and _Abarai_ won't let Hisana-chan come to Second, and I think it would be amazing if she did, because she'd be a _wonderful_ asset to Second Division! It would be in the _best_ interests of Second Division and in your continued love of me to make _sure_ Hisana-chan comes to Second Division!" wails Yoruichi, tears dripping down her face. "I would get _so_ many sleepless nights if she didn't come, it would be _so_ upsetting!" she adds, hugging Soi Fon, and sobbing into her shoulder.

Soi Fon's eyes widen, and she wraps an arm around Yoruichi, pulling her closer, and pats the little _!#&(_'s head.

Tilting her head slightly, Yoruichi flashes a purely evil, insane smile at us.

It's nearly as bad as Gin's.

_Nearly as bad_. Note that. No smile is as purely evilly creepy as Gin's. It's not humanely possible.

(Forget the fact that most of the Gotei 13 is inhumanely insane, and can do inhumane things.)

"What did you say to her?" demands Soi Fon, looking insulted. "No one refuses Yoruichi anything, not unless they have a _death wish_." She looks murderous.

Ah...I'm gonna back away now, and, you know, **_hide_**! Somewhere dark and mysterious where this little creep commonly known as Soi Fon can't find me!

"Um, well, you know. Hisana hasn't actually even enrolled at the Academy, and we'd like to keep her options, you know, open. She can decide for herself, you know," Renji says weakly, backing away. Hisana smiles and leaps off me, and hugs Yoruichi.

"Don't cry, Yoruichi-chan," she says. Then, she frowns. "What are you crying about, anyway?"

Soi Fon looks amazed as Yoruichi sniffs dramatically, and looks up from Soi Fon's shoulder. "Your parents won't let you come to Second when you graduate from the Academy," she says.

"Well, I haven't gone to the Academy yet, and you're the only division I've met so far, so how can I know which division I want to go to?" Hisana points out.

It's kind of sad that a four year old child can have better logic than a Taichou and a fukutaicho.

Then again, this is Second Division.

Not so surprising then.

"True," mutters Yoruichi.

"How come you listen to her and not us?" I ask.

Soi Fon glares at me.

I gulp.

"Don't worry then," I say weakly.

"Oh well you look at that!" exclaims Yoruichi. "It's time for the captain meeting! Time to get going then! Hey Hisana, I know this place in Rukongai where you can get a heap of teddy bears, and stuffed animals. Wanna come with me tomorrow? I'm sure you'll love it!"

"Oh my fricking god," I mutter. Renji glances at me, raising an eyebrow. I glance at him, and reply, "She's trying to get Hisana to like her so much that when she graduates, Hisana comes straight to Second."

"Well, I'm sure not every division can like her and claim her for their own. I mean, that'd be an inter-division war."

"You just jinxed us, Renji," I mutter.

We head to the First Division and find ourselves slightly late. Che.

Okay. More than slightly. Yeah, Shunsui's already here. So what? It means we're what? An hour late? Who cares?

I mean, sure. If you arrive at a meeting and Shunsui's already there, it means you're seriously late. And we've just arrived and Shunsui's here already. Che.

"Finally! You're here! What took you so long? No, don't answer that! I'm sure you had a nice romantic time together, Ichi-kun, Ren-kun!" cries Yamamoto. I can hear someone snicker. They can die. Now.

"We were at Second, Yama-jii," Renji mutters, putting a hand on my arm to stop me from attacking someone.

"Oh," says Yama disappointedly. Then he brightens. "Anyway, Ren-kun, Ichi-kun, I have this amazing idea!"

Now I'm worried.

"You have to vacate your house for the weekend! 'Cause I'm gonna get it remodeled! Is that not an awesome idea?! Is it not the epitome of awesome ideas! Is it not the epitome of awesomeness!"

What is it with 'epitome' and 'awesome' these days?

"Um, no."

"Ichi-kun! It is an amazingly awesomely fantastically epitomic idea!"

"Yeah...No."

"You are going to agree with it because it is an amazingly awesomely fantastically epitomic idea, Ichi-kun," says Yamamoto dangerously. I can feel his reiatsu gather around me. Good thing I'm stronger than him.

"Just agree with it," mutters Renji, his breath slightly labored. I stare at him.

"You want Yama to remodel the house?" I ask.

"How bad can it get?"

"You just jinxed us, again," I say tiredly. "Yeah, sure, whatever, Yama."

"Great! I'll get started right away!" cries Yamamoto excitedly. "You and Ren-kun can stay at the Seireitei Hotel and Hisana-chan can stay with ..."

"She can stay with us," Yoruichi says. God. Manipulative btch. Though, seeing as she is a noble... Yeah. No surprises there. Look at Byakuya for one thing.

"Excellent! Now. We'll have a party on Sunday night, 'cause I'll be done by then!"

"Wonderful!" cries Isshin. "I was going to have a party to celebrate their engagement, just with the family, but if you'll have a party for them, we can just mesh them together!"

Isshin is way too happy for my liking.

And if you're wondering what he's doing here, Urahara is the head of that Technology and Research centre, but he works in the real world most of the time. So, Isshin represents Urahara at most of the meetings.

"Great," cries Yama, bouncing from his chair and down the gap between the two lines of Taichou/fukutaicho. He spins around, grinning at everyone. "So, the plan for this weekend. Ren-kun and Ichi-kun will move into the hotel and Hisana-chan will head to Yoruichi-chan's place. I'll get some craftsmen and builders and get their house remodeled. Ren-kun and Ichi-kun will meet Ichi-kun's sisters, and Hisana-chan will go with them. And then, on Sunday, Isshin-kun and I will throw a huge party at their place, and I'll send cleaners, don't worry, Ichi-kun, with heaps and heaps of sake! And everyone's gonna come, right?!" he adds, glaring at the Shinigami around him.

Particularly Byakuya and Hitsugaya and Nanao and Chojiro. I'm not surprised.

"Why do we have no say in this?" I ask.

Yama frowns at me. "What? You don't want any of that to," he sniffs dramatically; "happen?" he looks childishly unhappy.

"Yeah, whatever, but I'm protesting against the fact that you haven't asked me about whether we want any of it to happen?"

"Or me," adds Renji. I nod. "Do we get any say in the design of the house?" he adds.

Oh God.

Oh #&())!#!-ing God.

Yama designing the plans of my house is bad enough. Yama _on happy pills_ designing the plans of my house is just.... KAMI-SAMA! IF YOU HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THIS WORLD, SAVE ME FROM THIS! PLEASE! PLEASE!!

"Oh don't worry! I've done them up already! I can't wait to see the fruits of my labor put into action!" cries Yama happily, bouncing to us and grinning happily.

I instinctively take a step back and stare at him. Behind him, the captains and vice captains are smirking happily, clearly enjoying our pain.

I'm tempted to borrow ...I dunno. Running through them with Senbonzakura or Zangetsu seems good. Or ceroing them all.... Maybe I could borrow Second's torture stuff...Or hand them to Mayuri for experimentation....Urahara might like to use 'em. Or that Espada who likes to experiment, Syazel or whatever his name is, he's still alive...and experimenting.

Yeah.

In my dreams.

Sadly.

Shaking myself back to reality, Renji's gone pale and I'm just white. Hisana seems unbothered.

"I can't wait to see what Old Man does with our house!" she says happily. I twitch. Yama grins and picks her up.

"Yay! I knew you'd like it, Hisana-chan!"

"So when will we be let back into our house?" I finally ask.

"On Sunday, maybe an hour before a party at seven," Yama replies. "So, six. Which should be awesome, ne?"

I sigh. "Do I have any choice?"

"Nope," replies Renji.

**A/N: -shakes head-**** So yes. Yama gets to design their house. -sighs- I. Am. Insane. But oh well. I might put the plans up on deviantart, but I may not. (my username is the same, QueenofBookworms, but I hardly ever go on). So this sets up the next two chapters. And I actually have to write them. I have started, but I need to continue writing. I also have another two ideas, which are the sequel to A Present of Wool, and a new one. I just need time. Gah. **

**I can't wait to write the next chapters, they're gonna be REALLY fun. And this spells disaster for Renji and Ichigo.**

**And then, after that, Hisana gets to meet the rest of the Gotei 13. DISASTER. Hopefully, they won't love her like Yoruichi is right now. grins That'd be an inter-division war. Which would be hilarious, and completely in line with this fic.  
**

**I might bring in Grimm, Ulqui and Hel from Espada Guide to Parenting. Seeing as this is something of a parody of that...**

**People who spot any mistakes, plot holes, anything like it, cookies if you tell me. Please. **

**Disclaimer: Own Hisana Masaki. Nothing else.**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Meet the Rest o' the Family, Hisana

I think I put down one of the reasons why I was pissed at the start of this as being that Karin and Yuzu were at the academy, ne?

Well, even if I didn't, it was. Karin and Yuzu are at the academy.

It's not full time, they're still alive. But every weekend, Karin and Yuzu head up here and go to the academy. Because of their personalities, the teachers at the academy figured out this training thing.

Yuzu's supposed to be a kido master, so she's getting special training from Hinamori (aka the Queen of Kido aka Hitsugaya's girlfriend aka the girl who's been known to help Nanao trap Shunsui in his chair with a bunch of kido spells so he has to do his paperwork). Karin's supposed to be good at anything and everything to do with Zanpakuto's, and she was meant to get training from Kenpachi...Until Isshin and I found out. Hell, even Isshin said no. (You can kind of imagine what I did, ne? Yelled at Chojiro for ten straight minutes until he told me that Isshin had already seen him, and Chojiro had put a stop to _that training_.)

Anyway, so it's the weekend. And I'm being dragged to the Academy with Renji and Hisana ('my family') by Isshin Therefore I cannot spend 'quality time' with 'dear, sweet Renji' as Yama wanted. And no, I'm not upset, I'm not. And don't tell me I'm in denial. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I should really stop with the 'I'm not's right?

"This is gonna be so much fun!" cries Isshin happily, grinning at us. Hisana laughs, and bounces to Isshin, and then jumps onto him, so she's sitting on his shoulder Yachiru-style.

Yeah, she's definitely spent too much time with that pink-haired devil.

I sigh, and glance at Renji, who grimaces, and catches up to me. We walk side by side behind a ridiculously happy Isshin and Hisana.

"Oh, does my son and my soon-to-be-son-in-law want some time alone!?" cries Isshin, looking at us with a mischievously happy grin. Scowling, I shunpo towards him, backhand him, and then shunpo back to Renji.

Did I mention how much I love shunpo?

Renji grins, and loops an arm around my shoulders which I don't bother to knock off.

"So are we allowed to meet these sisters of yours?" asks Renji. I glance at him, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, don't they have classes?"

"'Cause they only have two days a week when they're actually at the Academy, Karin and Yuzu get special classes most o' the time, unless there's group stuff they have to do. Those go all day, starting at nine, stopping at twelve, starting at one again, and ending at five. It's seven now, so we get there at seven thirty, spend one and a half hours with 'em, stop for their classes so we can head off for three hours, or watch and laugh." Renji raises an eyebrow at me, and I grin at him. "C'mon, they're training. We have laughing privileges." He rolls his eyes. "Then we join 'em for an hour lunch, and then stop for their classes. Then we can see them again afterwards."

"Right. So what are we going to do?"

"Isshin wants them to meet you and Hisana, which I'm dreading," I reply. "Then, well, what do you want to do?"

"I'm guessing Yoruichi will drag us to that teddy bear/stuffed animal stall thingamabob. Or, we can just walk in the woods or whatnot."

"I think I'll have explored every inch of that forest soon," I mutter. Laughing, Renji tugs me closer and we continue to the Academy.

There, we find a nice large tree to sit under to wait for my family. Great.

"Sooooo!" yells Isshin, bounding over to us. "When's the wedding, my sons?!"

"I'm not your son," says Renji. "Thank god for that," he adds.

"But soon you shall be!"

"Your son-in-law," says Renji matter-of-factly, leaning against the tree and looking at Isshin calmly. Then he tugs me onto his lap.

Damned bastard.

I glare up at Renji, who's calmly rested a hand on my head, and is now running his hands through my hair. Isshin's eyes widen and his mouth drops open.

"My sons show public displays of affection!" he cries happily. "Oh my son now agrees to show affection to another man in public! Thank you to my new son for drawing out that side of him!"

See why I now longer than call Isshin my dad? He's EMBARRASSING!

Glaring at Renji, I try to haul myself off Renji's lap, but the moron leans down and

...

He did not just do that.

And I definitely did not enjoy it. No way. Nuh uh. Definitely not.

Renji just kissed my forehead.

"Play along, 'kay? I wanna give him a heart attack, he murmurs into my ear, before grinning at me, and straightening up.

Scowling at him, I shrug, and groan as I turn my attention to Isshin, who's almost screaming in joy.

"Oh my!" he wails. "Oh!" he sniffs happily. "My two sons are so romantically in love! I must share this with Masaki!"

Hisana stares at Isshin for a few seconds, before slapping him.

"Goat Face," she snaps, "Shut up. Mummy and Daddy do that all the time!"

We. Do. Not.

But Isshin's never gonna listen to that.

And I'm not supposed to say that anyway.

Damn Renji.

Where are Yuzu and Karin anyway?

Sighing, I lean back against Renji (and it's not comfortable. No. It's not.) and wait for them to come.

"Hi Ichi-nii! Hi Dad!" says Yuzu happily, sitting next to me. I grin at her from Renji's lap, and note that the Academy uniform actually looks okay on her.

I can already see the guys drooling over her.

I hope they die in hell.

Karin just nods at us before dumping herself opposite me, and starts to stare suspiciously at Renji, whose hand is in my hair.

He pulls it out, and lets me, finally, sit up.

"How's the Academy?" I ask.

"Did you go there?" asks Yuzu, looking at us. Hisana pouts, and jumps into my lap.

"Are you gonna introduce us?" he asks, glaring at me.

"Renji, stop using slang in front of Hisana, it's not good for her Japanese," I say. Renji rolls his eyes, and slaps my head, fondly. "Anyway," I continue, "Yuzu, Karin, my daughter, Hisana, and, my soon to be husband, sadly, Renji."

"Aren't you the Taichou of Ninth Division?" asks Yuzu. I can see the hero warship already. God, they should really teach the students at the Academy not to hero worship. We've had enough problems with hero worship without our new students also hero worshipping.

Although I can see why anyone would hero worship Renji.

Hang on.

No. Did not ...did not think that. No way.

No one would hero worship Renji! NO ONE!

I can feel a sweat drop on my face, but quickly stop it.

"Right, anyway," says Karin, staring suspiciously at the three of us.

Hisana frowns at her, and I'm instantly worried.

"You!" she announces to Karin, "Can be Grumpy Face Aunty. And you," she points to Yuzu, "Can be Kindy Face Aunty."

Mouths dropping open, both my sisters turn to face me.

"What the hell?" asks Karin.

"She gives people nicknames...or adopts the ones Yachiru uses," Renji explains. Yuzu and Karin nod in understanding... Guess Yachiru's already made her presence known. I'm not surprised. Guess all the academy students are scarred for life.

"She's scary," murmurs Yuzu, staring at the grass.

"Who? Me or Yachiru-chan?" asks Hisana, bouncing to her and dumping herself in Yuzu's lap. Grinning, Yuzu begins to stroke Hisana's back, while Hisana sighs happily, and leans against my sister.

"Yachiru," replies Yuzu. "She's always so...happy. Like she's on a constant high. Does she ever get tired?"

"She's just extremely fit," says Karin, suddenly grinning. "Muscle endurance-"

"Oh for god's sake, don't!" cries Yuzu, covering her ears in mock horror. "Did enough of horrible health fitness components already, I don't need anymore!"

"Karin, don't tease Yuzu like that1" scolds Isshin. "Now, why haven't my two daughters greeted me properly!"

"Hi Goat Face," says Karin.

"No! I meant with a hug! Like my two sons!" exclaims Isshin. Yuzu and Karin both turn to face us, with similar faces of disbelief.

"We didn't hug him," I say.

"Thought so," says Karin. I raise an eyebrow, lean back against Renji, and yawn.

"Is my son tired?! Did he do something last night that made him tired, or even sore!?" exclaims Isshin, leaning towards us. Yuzu and Karin both gag, while Hisana just looks confused.

"**_No_**!" I yell at him. "God, don't even imply that, especially with Hisana around!"

Bloody !# of a father.

"What!? What was he talking about?" demands Hisana, staring at us.

"Well, you see, when two men ma-ARGH! I'm being choked to death!" yells Isshin, when I plaster my hand over his mouth.

"Did you hear nothing of what I said?" I ask him angrily, banging his head repeatedly against the tree.

"Gerri me!" he says, voice muffled against my hand. I get Isshin's saliva all over my hand.

"Gross," I mutter, wiping that hand on my pants, letting go of Isshin. It's a sign of how thick his skull is that he's not really hurt.

"Whoa, for a moment, I thought you might kill him," Renji mutters.

"I'd get into too much trouble for it to be worth it," I reply casually, returning to my unbelievably comfortable position against him.

Yuzu and Karin are unbothered and Hisana is just ... Hisana.

"Oh," she says suddenly, "Demon Cat says that she'll take us out to the teddy-bear store tomorrow, Mummy, Daddy."

Karin raises an eyebrow at us. "Mummy? Daddy?"

"Yeah! Strawberry is Mummy, and Pineapple is Daddy!" she explains.

Karin's eyes widen, and she gapes at us, clearly not believing a word of what Hisana just said. "What. The. Hell?" she asks.

"Don't ask. It was Hisana," I reply.

"But..."She stammers. I raise an eyebrow at her.

"And you think I'm happy with it?" I ask.

Karin falls silent before shrugging. I turn to Yuzu, waiting for her reaction. God, this is like going through complaints from Shinigami under you in your division....actually.

"Which divisions are you thinking of joining? Eleventh is banned for both of you," I add. Karin and Yuzu both scowl at me.

"Well, it depends on what I'm good at," Yuzu says finally. "I mean, I think Fourth might be nice, but then again, I might not."

"What about my division?" I ask, grinning at them. They both stare at me, before shaking their heads furiously. So much for sibling love. "Yeah, thought so," I say finally.

Rolling her eyes, Karin leans back against the grass. "So remind me why we're here?"

"This is your first weekend, right?" I ask. She nods. "Well, I have massive amounts of reiatsu, which has been known to affect the people around me..."My voice trails off as I think of Hisana, "Anyway, you've been around me since you were born, so naturally, Seireitei assumes you've been affected, aka, you both have reiatsu, and Yama, before he went psycho, decided it'd be good to get you both when you're young, and ensure that no other Kurosaki decides to attack them later."

Renji snickers while Karin and Yuzu roll their eyes at me. Hisana just looks confused, and Isshin's just smiling as he leans against the tree and watches us.

"So, it's your fault we're here?" asks Karin.

"Do you not want to be here with your brother?" I ask.

"Course I don't wanna be here. I could be playing soccer, for one thing. C'mon, this can't be every weekend." Karin looks pleadingly at us, obviously having decided that since I'm a Taichou, I can intervene.

"Well," I say slowly, "I might be able to reduce it to once every second weekend, but then you'd have to come in during the holidays."

"Holidays!?" demands Karin. "Yuck!"

"Well, you have three options," says Renji. "One's to come in every weekend. The other is to come in every second weekend but have to do it for double the time. The third's to come in every second weekend and for the holidays, and get it over and done with quicker."

Karin scowls at Renji. "And you were given the right to tell us what to do when?"

I sigh as Renji replies, "Well, two things. A) I'm marrying _your_ brother, Karin. B) I wasn't telling you what to do; I was just outlining your options."

"Shut up," mutters Karin, crossing her arms. Rolling my eyes, I turn to Yuzu. She's a whole lot damn nicer than Karin, not that that's a very hard thing to be.

"What about you, Yuzu?"

"I'll probably do the holidays and come in every weekend. It'll be easier, and quicker."

My mouth drops open. God, this girl's got guts. Coming in that often when you don't have to, and mixing with Shinigami of your own free will. She's brave. Praise the girl.

Yes, I'm praising Yuzu for coming to mix with us Shinigami of her own free will. Which is sad, I know.

"My daughter wants to visit me more often! Isn't that so sweet of her?!" yells Isshin, leaping across and attempting to glomp Yuzu...

I used 'glomp'. God, I thought _only_ rabid fangirls did that....

"Who said anything about wanting to visit you?" asks Karin, slamming her foot into Isshin's stomach. Isshin groans, slight theatrics _there_, and rolls onto the ground, sighing.

"My daughter attacks me! How sad is that! She hates me!"

"You attacked me?!" I exclaim, rising and glaring at him. "Isn't that bloody sad?!"

"Language!" snaps Hisana, kicking my ankle. Scowling, and slightly humiliated, I return to my seat next to Renji, crossing my arms over my chest.

Grinning, Renji punches my arm lightly. "Yes, Ichi-Berry, watch your lang-"

"I told you not to call me that!" I snap at him, cutting across his reprimand. Karin's eyes widen and she stifles laughter for a few minutes before failing miserably.

"Ichi-Berry - haven't heard that one!" she laughs.

Growling, I playfully slap my sister, while sending death glares to Renji who's laughing himself. Hisana looks worryingly thoughtful while Yuzu is sniggering quietly.

"I should tell Yachiru-chan that new nickname!" exclaims Hisana suddenly.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

"Don't," I say calmly, which is nothing like what I'm feeling inside, which is all out panic.

"Why?" asks Hisana.

"She'd spread it around Soul Society, and everyone will call me that and it'll be embarrassing," I say.

"So?"

"Well, I don't wanna be embarrassed."

"But it's a nice name!"

"No. It really isn't."

"But it is!"

"No, it's not, and Renji's gonna get punished for even thinking of it," I add, glaring at the infuriatingly smirking Pineapple.

"Ooh!" exclaims Isshin, gazing at us with huge eyes and a scarily delighted smile. "I think this is gonna mean no bed time adventures for you Ren-"

Renji and I reach an unspoken truce and pummel Isshin into the ground.

"What did he mean?" asks Hisana. Yuzu and Karin glance at each other, and then, in unison speak.

"We think we have to get going now, classes, breakfast, you know," they say hastily. Without another sound, both girls dash off into the Academy.

"That was quick," I remark casually, pointedly ignoring Hisana's question.

"Mummy!" she wails. "I wanna know what Isshin meant!"

"He meant nothing," says Renji, sitting down. He yanks me onto his lap, so I end up landing unceremoniously on top of Renji. Wrapping his arms around me, he glances at Hisana. "At any rate, when are we going shopping with, "he winces, "Yoruichi and Soi Fon?"

"Oh that's tomorrow!" replies Hisana, shrugging. She grins at us, I sweat drop. "We're going to go to Rukongai, and visit a couple of stores there, and then we're going to go to the real world, and to stores there, and then Demon Cat says she has some clothes of her own that I might like! It's going to be the best ever!"

"Great," I say unenthusiastically. "Remember we have to get back by six."

"Yeah, yeah, we will!" she replies. "Actually, can I go back to Demon Cat's house, I wanna see if I can look at the stuff now."

"Sure, go ahead," I say unwillingly, not wanting to reveal just how weak I am to the power of the Puppy Dog Eyes. Enough people (think Hinamori, Hisana, Renji) know all about that.

Renji glances at me.

"Gonna grumble about sitting in my lap?" he asks.

"What's the point?" I reply. It's one of my favorite tactics, reply to questions with a question. You get more time to think of an answer. It always works.

"That's never stopped you before," he replies. I shrug.

"Let's go for a walk," he says suddenly. Pushing me off him, he stands up, grabs my hand and yanks me to my feet.

"Why?" I ask.

"A) It's a nice forest, b) walking is good for you, and c) we get away from that father of yours," he explains.

"The only reason I liked was c, to get away from Isshin," I mutter. Renji grins, and pulls me along the path. We ignore the groaning, bleeding, near-unconscious Isshin. Who'd care about that?

For the next two hours, we walk around the forest, which is actually quite well lit, nice, and generally okay. Shock. Horror. Gasp.

For a Shinigami maintained forest, it's kinda scary. I mean, you'd expect it to be... I dunno. Kinda destroyed, thanks to people like Eleventh Division. By the way, did you hear? Yumichika apparently decided to do this entire 'let's clean up every member in Eleventh' yesterday. Apparently, it took one long hour to clean up Kenpachi.

I think I'm going feminine, with all this gossip talk. Yuck... No offence to any girls...PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR BEING SEXIST! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!

"Let's sit down," mutters Renji, dropping to the ground and falling back to lie on his back. Rolling my eyes, I sit down next to him.

"Did we bring lunch?" I ask.

"No."

"Damn." I pause, and the shrug. "Che. Seeing as this is a Shinigami maintained forest, there'll probably be a restaurant somewhere."

"Or I can eat Strawberry."

I slap him. Hard.

Actually, I try to. He grabs my wrist. Goddamned Bastard Pineapple.

"Don't slap your soon-to-be husband."

"Bastard."

I slap his wrist. Well, again, I try to. He grabs my other wrist.

Goddamned Bastard Jerk of a Pineapple.

He yanks me onto his lap. Gah. Again.

"What is it with you and having me on your lap?" I ask.

"Well, ya see, it's kinda cold, and you're a very nice blanket."

"You're a good pillow," I mutter, partly in retaliation, and partly because it's true.

"Gees, thanks. All I get I thanked for these days is for being a good pillow."

"Yep." I'm feeling kinda drowsy, and lean against him, nearly asleep. Renji wraps his arms around my waist, and rolls onto his side, curling up next to me.

We fall asleep.

--

Isshin grinned as he saw the young couple, though they wouldn't consider themselves a couple, sleeping in the grass of the clearing. Oh, he'd wake them up later and get beaten up, but now...now was photo time! He'd always loved taking photo shoots. With unsuspecting couples, of course.

--

"My sons! Why did you leave your beloved father behind?! I wake up, and none of my children are there! Why am I not loved? Masaki could explain, but she is not here! Ichiiiigoooo! Rennnnnjiiii - am I interrupting something?" Isshin exclaims as he walks up to us. Drowsily, I wake, and find myself staring right into Isshin's face.

And no, it's NOT a good thing to see when you've just woken up. In fact, I'd say it's worse than seeing Yachiru when you wake up, which is worse than seeing a manically grinning Aizen, or seeing Gin's actual eyes. All of those sorts of events are the sorts of things that scar people for life.

And so is seeing Isshin when you wake up.

"Gah, Goat Face, what are you doing?" I grumble at him, reaching out and half heartedly slapping him.

"You and Ren-kun are sooooo cute!" he exclaims, dodging my slap. Frowning, I turn and realise I'm sleeping in Renji's arms.

And that my lips are now pressed against his.

Oh. My. God. How the hell did I end up in this situation?

Actually, don't answer that.

Renji's eyes fly open, and he stares at me for a couple of milliseconds before wrapping his arms around me and returning the ... kiss.

And it feels good.

For the next two minutes, we do nothing but kiss.

And then...

"Ohmygod!" screams an almost fangirly voice. "You two are soooooo cuuuuute!" Renji automatically breaks the kiss.

Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. . Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Isshin.

I. Hate. Isshin.

If I had the Second division torture equipment, I would.... Okay, the torture I'd inflict on my dad, if it was filmed and released as a movie in the real world, it'd be the highest rating possible, if not banned altogether. That's how much pain and ...torture I'd inflict on that bastard.

Let's ignore the entire 'I kissed Renji in front of my father whilst in a wood' thing, ne?

Please? Pretty please with whatever you like to eat on top?

"Argh!" exclaims Renji, staring at Isshin. I groan and lean against him, ignoring: a) my arms wrapped around him, and b) his arms wrapped around me.

"Lemme guess," he mutters, "Isshin, right?"

"Yeah," I reply. "Gah."

"My thoughts exactly."

I can feel Renji's smirk as he adds, "But, you're probably thinking of the best ways to painfully kill your father."

"Two things," I reply, "A) never refer to Isshin as my father, it's embarrassing. And b) How'd you guess?"

Renji chuckles, and presses me to his chest. Normally, I'd kill him for that, but I'm still drowsy, and don't have the energy.

Shirosaki mutters in my head, "_No, you just like hugging Renji too much to bother leaving his _sweet_ embrace_."

"Shuddup," I tell him. Mentally, of course.

"Oh, how sweet my two sons are together!" exclaims Isshin, with eccentric tears dripping from his eyes. I glance at Renji, who nods at me, and we stand up.

And then we beat the living crap out of him. Again.

**A/N: Gah. -bangs head on table- Horrible Terrible Chapter. Horrible. Like...Waking up to see Isshin. It's just... bang head against table worthy. I hate it. It's so...Rushed. But oh well. I'll come back and edit it one day. Maybe. -sigh- I fell asleep during what was meant to be a relaxtion session today. -smirk- Whether this had anything to do with staying up to read Sirius/Remus fanfiction in the Harry Potter fandom, I don't know. Yes, I'm reading HP fanfiction. Sue me. I actually have ideas for random stuff for my own fanfiction, do not worry. **

**Please leave reviews. If you do, you get access to this huge constantly refilling vault of brownies in whatever flavour you like. The key is a review written for my fanfictions. Brownies made by my Shinigami Slaves, (refer to my profile for the full details). **

**Remainder: Don't own the characters, except for dear Hisana Masaki. Idea is from Espada Guide To Parenting, which was updated, and is awesomeness.**

**Edit: twitch Just taken a look at my stats for my stories. twitch total of over 2000 hits for SGTP, and 60 reviews. Now, all the thanks and brownies in the world to my reviewers, but those who haven't, aw, c'mon, you get brownies! What more do you want? Please Review! It makes my day, and I can't stop smiling after reading them. So, please, review!**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter I love annoying my 'partner'

You know, there's probably some God up there who really, really hates me. I mean, why else do I always end up in some comprising position, generally with either Renji or me splayed all over the other or one of us nuzzling the other, or something like that.

Today, it's the classic Renji's head's on my chest, and my arms are wrapped around him.

And don't give me the '_you two are so deeply in love with each other that you always end up in positions like that because you need some way to display your everlasting love to each other'_. Please. It makes me sick. It's too mushy and sappy and just completely and utterly false. Plus, if you're saying that sorta thing, you're probably Shunsui/Isshin/Urahara/any other random Shinigami like that, and your opinion does NOT count.

At any rate, I think I can actually deal with having to live with him for the rest of my life. I think. Okay, we're going to be the most insanely at-each-others'-throats couple you would have ever met, but we could live together. Kind of. I think.

And yes, I'm probably thinking about this too much, and I should stop...

...

...

...

...

Wait just one sec.

There's something wet on my chest.

And don't look like at me like that, like Renji and I just...Oh God. You sick-minded people.

Gah.

Why do you guys go around imagining Renji and me in ... Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. You ... Creeps. Perverts.

And it's not sticky, you ... ARGH!

Anyway, I glance down on my chest again, and note Renji's head on my chest... And his mouth is slightly open....

Okay. Now I know what's happened.

A certain Pineapple has drooled all over my chest...

NOT LIKE THAT! YOU ...gah! He is not going 'oh my God, awesome muscled chest, Ichi'. More like the, 'Renji was sleeping on my chest, and has dribbled saliva, SALIVA people, all over my chest'.

And he shall pay.

I'm about to punish him with yelling and kicking and punching and beating him until he's a pulp on the ground, when I have a better idea.

And Renji's gonna hate it, if he's as possessive of me as I think he is.

Ooh, I'm gonna have so much fun.

"Like what you see?" asks Renji, smirking at me. I raise an eyebrow.

"You drooled all over me," I reply, pointing to the evidence. Renji's eyes widen and he blushes fiercely, looking guilty.

"Um, sorry?" he asks tentatively. "Err, why aren't you yelling at me?"

"I'll get my revenge," I say calmly, pushing him off me and walking to the bathroom of the hotel room we're in.

Yeah, hotel room, five star, a king-sized poster bed in the middle, with a large ensuite to one side, and you get the idea.

I can feel Renji's worried gaze on me as he watches me enter the bathroom, and no, he does not follow me, you perverts. Die. The lot of you... fangirls. Cause only fangirls'd think like that.

"Okay, what are you going to do to me?" he asks.

"Nothing," I reply.

"Ichi, you're scaring me."

"Really? I had no idea."

"Okay, tell me what you're gonna do."

I don't.

Half an hour later, I'm outta the bathroom, and wearing a pretty comfortable outfit.

You see, the shirt I'm wearing, I usually wear under my karate outfit. It's black, and elastic. Meaning, it pretty much outlines my entire torso, and because I usually end up with a Roman Army sized legion of fangirls, and even guys, after me, I don't wear it without something over it, ie, my karate outfit.

But I'm wearing it today, and this should be good. Renji's possessive, right? If I'm right, I'll end up with a legion of drooling, nose bleeding people after me, and he'll be pissed. And my revenge will be complete. Cue evil laugh.

I think I'm becoming as cunning and evil as Aizen. Not good. Though one might say it runs in the position... That just makes me worry.

Anyway, the jeans I'm wearing are denim...what do the girls call them? Skinnies? Tight jeans? Whatever.

I walk into the bedroom I'm being forced to share with Renji and eye his position, draped over the bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Eh, you done, Ichi - **_what the hell are you wearing_**!?" he yells, staring at me. I think I see drool.

"It's a free country, world, whatever, Pineapple, I can wear whatever I want," I reply casually, as I start to pack my bags. "Now, get changed, we have to go with Hisana and Yoruichi, and god save us, Soi Fon. Then, we got a house to examine and a party to attend. Get going, you bastard," I add, as he stands and walks to me, eyes ogling my body.

"But, but ... there's no way you're wearing that in public!" he yelps.

"I can wear it when it's just the two of us?" I ask innocently. Renji's eyes widen, and I swear he's fantasizing.

"Yeah, sure," he replies, sounding a bit dreamy. Okay, now to knock the bloody fantasies outta his head.

"No," I reply. "If anything, I think I'll wear it a lot more in public, probably less perverts here than in Karakura Town." That's one helluva lie. We have...Shunsui. Isshin. Shinigami. "Course there's gonna be perverts. It's like, a requirement...Except me, of course.

"Ichigo!" he snaps, grabbing me by the shoulder. "You'll get a whole heap of fangirls, and fanboys!"

"Yeah, I think I'd put you down as a fanboy."

"Am not!" he huffs. "At any rate, there's no way in hell I'm gonna let you wear that in public!"

"Really?" I ask innocently.

Then there's a knock.

I answer, to find the maid waiting.

She stares at me, drooling, nose bleeding. The typical stuff.

"Hey," I say, giving her a stunning smile and a wink. The drool increases. She puts on that stupid sexy maid act.

Note to all girls: never do that. It pisses me off to no extent, and it's stupid. Seriously, you should never do that. NEVER.

"Hey," she replies, smiling at me, and shifting closer ... I think it's meant to be discreetly, but it's not.

I can feel Renji starting to get a whole lot more pissed off, especially when I grin at her.

"Well, seeing as you're probably good at this," I murmur to her, "can you just clean the bathroom? Everything else is fine."

The girl grins at me, and replies with a "Sure".

Smiling at her, I walk out, followed by a now dressed Renji. When we get on the lift, he turns. And he looks pissed.

"What. Made. You. Do That?" he growls angrily. I raise an eyebrow at him.

"The seduced maids always clean better," I reply. Growling, he turns away, arms crossed.

Oh, this is fun.

We enter the restaurant in the hotel, and find Hisana, Yoruichi and Soi Fon waiting for us.

"Mummy! Daddy!" yells Hisana, glomping us happily and grabbing the attention of everyone there.

Death glaring anyone who looks at us the wrong way, Renji walks to the table, and dumps himself into the chair. I walk more calmly, being the cool, collected soul that I am, don't give me that disbelieving shit Rukia, carrying Hisana, who's hugging me.

"Hey," I greet the two of them. Yoruichi looks up from her milk to nod once, before returning to the milk. Then, her head bangs up again, as she stares at me.

"What the hell are you wearing?" she demands. Groaning, I cover Hisana's ears.

Goddamnit, seriously, people here need to learn not to swear in front of poor Hisana.

And no, I am not the worst hypocrite you've ever met. Shut up. You too Isshin.

"Don't swear in front of poor Hisana, please," I reply, ignoring the question. Soi Fon's just noticed what I'm wearing, as well as a legion of girls sitting at a group table near us.

"Hey," says one of them, appearing next to me. I look up at her.

"Yep?" I ask.

"Um, what's your name, and ph-phone number?" she asks. Definitely dared.

"What's yours?" I reply, raising an eyebrow as she blushes furiously.

"Um, what's yours?"

"Kurosaki Ichigo, and yes, I am the fifth division Taichou of the Gotei Thirteen," I add, as her eyes widen.

"Er, um, oh, right, er, okay," she says nervously, backing away slowly.

"I'm not gonna bite, unless you want me to," I add, grinning lecherously. She blushes again. I swear her face is redder than Renji's hair... No, I do not compare all shades of red to Renji's hair, okay?

And yep, she's definitely been dared to do this.

Renji is so pissed right now; it's not funny...unless you're me, of course.

"Right, Hisana, want breakfast?" he asks, deliberately ignoring me and speaking directly to Hisana, who's still on my lap.

"Maybe," she says, yawning. "I stayed up to watch the Shrek movies, they were funny! I looooove Donkey!" she adds, grinning happily.

"You do realise you should've gotten her to sleep, right?" I ask the two women. The girl has all but fled, and is talking to the legion of girls, one of whom has fainted from blood loss. I think Unohana's not gonna be happy.

"Maybe," replies Yoruichi, yawning the exact same way as Hisana.

I roll my eyes. "C'mon, breakfast."

An hour and a helluva food later, we leave. Renji is getting steadily more pissed off.

About four hours later

My emotions are insane... Blame it on teenage hormones - you know, the excuse of everything and anything us teenagers do.

Okay, firstly, I'm slightly annoyed. I mean, for the past, I dunno, FOUR HOURS, Hisana has been dragging us around shops in Rukongai looking for stuffed animals. And she still hasn't bought a single thing. Nothing. Zilch. Absolutely no bag we're carrying around. And ya know, it's been four fricking hours with at least two dozen shops.

I really can't wait until she's a teenage girl, swooning over clothes, make up, jewelry, and boys, and dragging us innocent parents around shops looking for clothes. Gah.

Second, I'm in awe ...slightly. Hisana hasn't lost energy, she's still bouncing around. Yoruichi and Soi Fon are still being helpful and energetic, which is scary in itself, and I'm wondering when they'll start picking on me and Renji.

And then, I'm watching Renji, smirking. This guy's switching from horny as hell from what I'm wearing, to pissed off because I don't stop getting attention and being hit on by literally everyone.

It's hilarious.

"Mummy!" cries Hisana, jumping onto my lap. I'm sitting on a handily placed chair in the middle of the latest toy store. "Which bear do you think I should get?"

She shows me two bears. They're exactly the same, except one's black and the other's white.

WTF?

"Um, they're the same."

"No! First. They're different colors! Second. One makes sounds, and the other doesn't!"

"Okay, which one do you like?"

"I like both of them!"

"Get both then," I suggest.

"Demon Cat says that I should pick just one for her to buy."

"Why isn't she buying you both?" I ask. Hah! Beat that, Yoruichi! I'll show you what you'll have to do if you want Hisana in your division! It'll be expensive and tough, and you won't win!

I feel evil. Like Aizen, plotting to bring down the world, except I'm making sure Hisana'll never end up in Second. Hm, do all fifth division captains end up evil and cunning and plotting?

Meh. Who cares? (Yama, but he's no longer sane, even if he was in the first place.)

"Yeah!" cries Hisana delightedly, and she rushes back to see Yoruichi. I smirk and lean back.

"What's happened?" asks Renji drowsily. I lean over him and eye his sleepy face.

"Did you fall asleep?" I ask, amused.

"Yeah," he says, not bothering to push me away as he sits back. Returning to my position, I decide to tell him off and inflict torture.

"Bad boy," I tell him. "Don't fall asleep while your daughter's shopping."

"She's not my daughter," Renji mutters. "And you didn't fall asleep?" he asks me grumpily, raising one tattooed eyebrow.

Bouncing up, I say 'no', and, grabbing his hand, I tug him to where Yoruichi, Hisana, and Soi Fon are.

"Hi!" I tell them in a falsely cheerful voice.

Hisana waves at me before turning back to examine the bear in front of her.

Soi Fon, Yoruichi and Renji leap back and stare at me as though I have the plague. C'mon, I'm not that bad...Don't say anything, Rukia.

"Are you okay?" asks Renji, feeling my forehead with one hand while the other grips my hand. I pout at him.

"I'm fine," I snap. "Anyway, we should help Hisana find a bear, right?"

"Yay!" cries Hisana happily, hugging me. I hear some 'Awww's from a group of girls I swear I saw before...Stalkers? Probably. I swear there's more fangirls in the world than sane, normal humans. Yes, I believe fangirls to be entirely of another species. Seriously, humans can't be that...insane, obsessed, etc.

Meh. I hope the fangirls don't kill me for that. Then again, they'd probably take it as a compliment. Weird...

_Anyway_

Hisana drags me to the display of bears and picks up the white and the black ones she showed me before.

"Which one is better?" she asks.

"Honey, they're the same."

I can't believe I called her honey. Seriously. What's wrong with me!?

Oh yeah, I'm turning into Isshin. Damnit.

What is it with Kurosaki's and parenting and ending up like Isshin? Then again, I can only prove that when Karin and Yuzu end up as mothers, which won't happen for a while, hopefully.

Not if I have anything to do with it, at least.

"No! They're different colors! That's important!"

"So?"

"Should I get the white or the black, Mummy!? This is important!"

Holy Kami-sama. I'm handing her over to Rukia or someone when she becomes a teenager. Bad parenting, I know, but still.

"Black," I say finally.

"Why?"

"Is this important?" Renji sighs. He automatically gets hit over the head with the bear. "ARGH!"

"Yes, Daddy. It's important!" declares Hisana importantly, standing with her hands on her hips. I can hear Yoruichi and Soi Fon sniggering in the background, but I ignore them.

"Well, the white symbolizes Aizen, and he's bad, so yeah."

"Actually, he's insane now, so that's invalid," says Yoruichi, grinning. I wave my hand carelessly. Who cares whether he's insane now?

And as though she can hear my thoughts, Yoruichi says, "I heard Grimmjow and Ulquiorra landed themselves with a child, some boy they call Helios, or Hel for short." We snigger, recognizing the joke. "Anyway, Aizen's making them get married."

I hate the similarities. I hate it. Why does my life have to be so similar to one of my worst enemies? _WHY_?! Is there some insane fangirl ruling my world and making me end up in crazy situations, writing it all down and publishing it so other fangirls/boys can laugh at my pain!?

I think I might have thought about this too much. No fangirl could end up chatting to Kami-sama like that... And all that... I hope. I pray. For the sake of my sanity... Whatever may be left of it.

"Can I meet Hel?" asks Hisana. For a second, I'm left wondering why anyone would want to meet Hell, hell (ignore the unintentional pun), can you meet Hell?

And then I realise she means Grimm's child. I'd start snickering about Grimm having a kid, but that would be hypocritical.

Rukia: (I know you too well) That's never stopped you before.

See Rukia? I said it for you! You can't say anything to me!

No, I don't need a shrink.

...

Back to topic.

"No," I tell her, looking away as she brings out the puppy dog eyes. "Now, do you want a bear, or not?!"

"Yeah! I wanna have a bear!" she cries, instantly forgetting about Hell, or whatever that kid's name was.

Talk about short term memory loss.

Rolling my eyes, I pick up the black bear.

"Okay, let's buy this one."

"But Mummy! I need to check all the other stores first, and then choose which bear I want to buy!"

"Why only one bear?"

"'Cause Demon Cat said so."

"Well, isn't she a meanie?" I ask, grinning slightly as Yoruichi glares at me when Hisana nods, pouting.

Hah! Let's see Yoruichi try to get Hisana into her division now!

I think I should take someone up on the shrink thing. Maybe. Probably. Just possibly.

"How many bears can I buy now?" asks Hisana. I stare at her, and then glance to Renji.

Only he's looking somewhere else. I follow his glare, and see a group of girls, and some boys, drooling as they stare at me.

Oh, this is good.

"Mummy, why are there people looking at you like that?"

"They like me."

"But why?"

"Err..." Okay, how are you meant to tell a four year old that there's a group of people watching you because you're wearing a tight shirt and jeans, so they just want to jump you? I mean, the jump bit is bad enough, but... Oh god. What if they try to shag me in front of Hisana? She'd be scarred for life.

I think I just jinxed myself.

You see, just at that moment...

"Hey," says someone huskily, into my ear. I turn, and eye the boy standing behind me. He smiles invitingly, and wraps his arms around my waist.

I smile at him.

Yes, I smile at him. He grins, and tugs me closer to him. I rest my hands on his shoulders and chest, noting that he's actually muscled, and rest my head on his shoulder looking into his neck.

I can feel the delight rolling off him.

"Yes?" I ask.

"Wanna come back to my house? I-"

I kick him. In the groin. Yes. Cruel and painful.

Smirking, I bend down, and haul him to his feet.

"Tell your friends that I'm not interested," I tell him. "Particularly because I have a kid and a division in the Gotei 13 to run."

"You-You're Kurosaki Ichigo!"

"Congratulations."

Looking panicked, the guy runs away.

Coward.

"That was...Idiotic."

"I had to teach the guy a lesson, Renji."

"There was no need to flirt with him first."

"Jealous?" I ask him incredulously, glaring at him.

He scowls at me. I scowl at him. Hisana tugs on my clothes.

"Mummy! What happened?!" she demands.

"I'll tell you later. Now, do you want a bear?"

"Not until you tell me what happened?!" She pouts. I hope she doesn't bring out the puppy dog eyes. I can't stand them...

"A guy flirted with me."

"What's flirting?"

I stare at her. God. No. Did she have to ask that!? I don't wanna explain what flirting is to a four year old! That'd be...Torture. Oh God. Excuse me while I, you know, RUN INTO A CORNER AND HIDE!!

"Flirting is when you behave alluringly to another person."

"Huh?"

Even I'm staring gobsmacked at Yoruichi, who merely shrugs, and tells Hisana that she'll know what that means when she's older.

"But I don't want to wait until I'm older, I want to know now!" she yells. I glance around. No one. Thank God... Hang on. This place was crowded before... What happened? Did they all flee? C'mon. I'm not that bad. Neither is anyone else with me right now...Okay. That was probably the worst lie I've ever said.

"Hisana, be patient," I say. "Now, the bear?"

Instantly, she bounces away.

"She has mood swings as bad as yours," Renji tells me. I can tell he's still pissed.

"I'm not that bad," I huff.

"No, you're worse," he replies drily.

Ah. Sarcasm. From Renji. He only does that when he's annoyed.

Shit. Definitely.

"Will you get over it?" I ask him, annoyed. He shakes his head.

"I'm not interested in marrying a guy who is happy to flirt with every other guy he meets."

"_Renji_. You've known me for, how long? A couple of years, at the least. Do I always flirt?"

"No. But still. What just happened? You flirted. What's to say you don't do that again?"

"I'm not a slut, Renji."

"Sure. You could've changed. Don't you always go on about being a hormonal teenager?"

"Bloody stubborn ass of a bastard."

"Mummy!" cries Hisana, cutting short our argument. She holds up three bears. One's black. One's white. One's pink. Other than that, they're exactly the same.

"Which one?"

"They're all the same," Renji says incredulously.

"No they're not!" she cries, outraged.

"Yes, they are."

"No! The color's important, Daddy! I've got black clothes, pink clothes, blue clothes, and white clothes. Would they all look good on the pink one? Or the white one? Or the black one? I gotta get the right color!"

Oh. My. God. Is a four year old meant to be worried about color co-ordination, _now_?!

"Um, the white?"

"But won't that look weird, white on white?" Hisana sounds distraught.

"Why don't you get the white, and the black?"

"But Demon Cat said I should only get one."

"When's your birthday?"

"Um...I dunno."

"Oh, for God's sake, just get both."

"YAY!" she screams, and glomps Renji happily. Renji staggers backwards.

"She's gonna be extremely spoiled when she's older," says Yoruichi warningly. I shrug. "It will be a problem, Ichigo."

"Your point?"

"Do you want to take care of a spoiled brat?"

"Yoruichi!" I exclaim loudly, grabbing Hisana's attention. "Did you just call Hisana a spoiled brat!?"

"Spoiled brat?" whimpers Hisana. "What does that mean?"

"Not you, Hisana," replies Yoruichi, glaring at me. "It means someone who always gets what they want, because they yell, shout, and generally be annoying until they do."

"I always get what I want, does that make me a spoiled brat?" exclaims Hisana, eyes watering, generally looking miserable.

'Awww' cry the fangirls.

"No, it doesn't. Your parents are just overly nice. Scarily nice. Very much-unlike-their-usual-selves-nice."

"Um, okay?" she whimpers, still looking upset. Meanwhile, Renji's bought the bears, and gives them to her.

"YAY! **_TEDDY BEARS_**!" she screams happily, grabbing the bears and hugging them - I'd call it glomping, 'cept that she doesn't jump onto them.

Bloody mood changes.

**A/N: I thought this chapter would be bad... It's not that bad. Is a bit rushed... But still.**

**Anyway, sorry about the extra slow update... Just ..Gah. I'm buried in work, so it's hard for me to get time to update. But I have started on the next chapter, so... -prays-**

**Anyway, I'm amazed I'm not sick, because last week, I made the stupid mistake of bike riding ten kilometers in pouring rain. Muddy, cold, wet, annoyed: that was me afterwards. Anyway, I died on some of the hills I was going up. I'm not super fit. Actually, I'm not fit full stop. **

**Meh. Okay, so review, and I shall be a happy author. Don't review, and I will be a sad author. Though there is some angst coming up...But...I can't spoil the plot. Can't.**

**And yes, Grimmy, Ulqui and Hel are coming in. Soon. I hope. But -shock, horror, gasp- There is a plot line! Which will last for about three chapters. But still! And after that, well, my fingers will type it up, and I will stare at it, and go: ...Okay. Weird. Crack filled. Um. DID I _SERIOUSLY_ THINK _THAT_ UP!! **

**I am a Home Made Kazoku fan. Has anyone heard No Rain No Rainbow, their latest song? AWESOMENESS, AIN'T IT?! -drool- Did anyone watch America's Teen Choice awards? WHY DID THE JONAS BROTHERS WIN THE HOTTIE MALE AWARD!? WHY!! They didn't deserve it!! -sob- No, don't like the Jonas Brothers. Too...Narcisstic. Only Yumichika's allowed to be a narcisst. And Byakuya should have won Hottie Male. Or Grimmjow. Or ... I think alive humans were supposed to win that award...Not Characters. Right. Got that. But still... And Vanessa whatever-her-name-is shouldn't have won Hottie Female. Someone else. Can't think of it...But still. **

**Anyway. Review. Even if you are just gonna say: 'YUM! BROWNIES!'. Or: 'Love it'. Or: 'Hate it. You got wayyyy too much time on your hands'. Just click on the button and type a couple of words. Can't take _that_ much time.**

Preview for next chapter:

Deep breaths. Deeeep breaths. Must breathe deeply.

I stare at our house.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter What did Yama do to our house?!

Deep breaths. Deeeep breaths. Must breathe deeply.

I stare at our house.

Our house? Yeah. Renji and my house. Sad. Not that I mind, actually...

Okay. I'm just gonna stop wondering just how much I might like Renji. It's too confusing.

Anyway.

Back to house - safe subject. Renji - dangerous subject.

Gah!

House. House. House.

Okay, the house is three stories high, with large gardens in the front, and a large backyard with a pool. It's a safe pinkish white color. Nothing...Insane.

And you can't even tell it's pink. It just looks pink. It's not that bad.

Phew.

We wander inside.

The bottom floor has a huge living room, which you immediately walk into, and then, there's a dining room; no wall in between. After that, there's a wall and a huge gap, so I'm assuming that just a door without the ...door. Okay, weird sounding, I know.

Through the door, we see a kitchen to the left side, (imagine you're facing this) stairs to the right, and a cupboard behind the stairs. Behind the cupboard, a rumpus room, so fluffy carpet, couches.

....

Wait, a TV?

Okay, I know Soul Society's going on a tech update, but still, widescreen TV. Sweet. It's got a black edging, with a huge screen, on this metal TV stand, which has a video/DVD player and a surround sound system. The couch is red, and is one of those modern style couches, a three seater one, and two one seater couches. The carpet is a fluffy shaggy white one, in front of the TV.

Behind the stairs, there's a hallway, which has a study, laundry, bathroom and spare bedroom off it. The bedroom is at the end of the hallway, while the study is the first room, on the right, the laundry on the left, and the bathroom just before the bedroom. There's a couple of cupboards as well

Spacious kitchen too. With oven, sink, stove, the full works. And a dishwasher. Awesome. They're all really high tech sort of stuff, and it looks really cool. The cupboards are timber, and the handles are curved and metal. They all have the snap lock or safe lock thing, where the door doesn't slam shut, it just quietly closes because it gets stopped by some sort of mechanism in the door.

Up the stairs, first floor is divided in half. One is entirely Hisana's (she bounces through that happily) and the other half is for someone else, I think Yama thinks we'll have another child, damn the bastard.

Hisana's room is pink, with flowers decorating the ceiling. She has a huge walk in robe and an equally large en suite with a spa and shower, and the sink is one of those ones where the basin is on top of the bench.

The next floor is Renji and my floor.

Inside my...our room. Huge bedroom, with a four poster bed to match, two large bedside tables, an equally large en suite, walk in robe, fluffy carpet, love seat (Yama shall pay for that).

Okay. This is suspicious. I walk around for a bit, peering into all the rooms and stuff. Sure, there's a button which makes a washing machine come out of the wall and the en suite has a spa which fits the two of us, and the shower's got two shower heads, and there's two sinks in the bathroom, but other than that...

"Renji, why hasn't Yama put in anything that we'd get annoyed at, 'cept for the love seat?"

Renji looks at me, and points to the bedside tables.

Breathe deeply. Deeply. Deep breaths. Why do I feel more scared than when I faced off Aizen?

I open the bedside table drawers, and, not looking at them, drop all the contents of all the drawers onto the bed. Then I look at them.

The first thing I think?

Has Yama bought everything from an adult store?

Lube - a lot of it - is spread over the bed, in every shape, color, and if the labels are right, every flavor imaginable.

And then there's all the toys. It'd X-rated, or R-rated, or whatever the highest rating you've got.

"What...the...hell?" I whisper, too in shock. Renji grimaces, and points to the walk in robe.

"Check the cupboards in there," he says. I look at him.

"Do I want to?"

"No. But still."

Grimacing, I walk to the afore mentioned cupboards.

Clothes, and not the type I'd wear outside. Not even today, when I'm exacting revenge.

Maids' outfits, skimpy little skin tight outfits, leather, and a helluva lot of it, you get the idea.

Basically, go into an adult store, and look at the stuff there. That's what Yama's oh so kindly given us.

I feel my reiatsu pike dangerously.

"Yama. Shall. Die."

"Relax, Ichi, relax."

"No! NO!"

I twitch dangerously. Renji grabs my arms, and starts massaging them.

"No murdering Yama. Now, anyway. Hell, the stuff might come in use." He grins.

I think I can see his imagination go into overdrive. Hell, mine is.

I never knew how perverted I could be. Now...What would Renji look like in that maid costume.... Ooh...Sexy...

Hang on.

Shouldn't be thinking like this. Nope. No way.

I glare at him. "Shut up, Renji. Now, let's pack the stuff away before Hisana come."

"MUMMY! DADDY! WHERE ARE - What's this stuff?"

I swear. "Jinxed myself, didn't I?" I whimper pathetically. Renji chuckles, and then falls silent.

"How are we supposed to explain what lube's used for?" he asks unhappily, worriedly.

I stare at him, and then groan, leaning against him tiredly, swearing repeatedly.

Renji takes my arm and leads me outside, to see Hisana holding a bottle of lube, and staring at it.

Oh my life sucks.

"Hey Hisana."

"Mummy! Daddy!" she cries happily, and jumps onto Renji, hugging him. I smile weakly, and attempt to discreetly pack all the adult stuff away before she notices/remembers.

Attempt being the key word there.

"Mummy, what's that thingimajiggie? The one with the weirdy name that's ... um... labe? Lobe?"

"Lube?"

"Yeah! That one!"

"Um. Well...Er... Just something...You'll find out when you're older...?"

"I don't wanna know when I'm older! I wanna know now!" she yells, yanking on Renji's hair. He yells at the pain. I snigger. Then Hisana glares at me, and I instantly quiet.

"Well, um, see, it's what ...er...adults use?"

"But what do adults use it for!? Is it like... to make something easier to do?"

Holy....This sorta thing should be illegal!

"You're the one who put it on the bed," Renji mutters to me. I glare at him.

"Not helping," I reply scathingly, scowling at the Pineapple. He shrugs.

"Mummy! DADDY! Answer my question, goddamn it!"

Bloody hell. Impatient brat - wait... did she swear?

Aww... our little baby's growing up!

Hang on.

Not our little baby.

And I'm pretty certain a four year old shouldn't be saying 'goddamn it'.

"What. Did. You. Say?"

"Did I say something bad?"

"Yes! You did!"

"Was it that word Baldy taught me, goddamn?"

"Why did Baldy-er, Ikkaku, teach it to you?!"

"He said it was a nice word," she whimpers, looking pathetic and pitiable, and if anyone walked into the room right now, they'd think she was being abused.

_And not like that, you perverts. _

Guess who drops in?

Yama! Yeah. No.

"Hello every-Why is dear Hisana-chan unhappy?!" exclaims Yama, bouncing over to examine 'dear Hisana-chan's' pathetic-looking face.

"Please leave, soutaicho," I say, trying to be polite. I end up scowling at him.

"But, Ichi-kun, please! I wanna see what you think of your brand new house, and those presents I gave you! I'm sure you'll love them!"

"Yes, soutaicho, thank you very much."

I think Renji was the only one who noticed the sarcasm there.

Yama stares at me, and then breaks into a huge grin.

I feel scarred for life.

"Already imagining how to use my little presents on Ren-kun, are you? Oh, naughty boy!"

I stare at him, and realise there's a little bit of blood under my nose.

Holy bloody hell. EMBARASSING!

My imagination is going into overdrive again. Only this time, I'm figuring out how to murder Yama.

Renji smirks slightly, but heads over to the bed, and pries the lube from Hisana's hands and places the damned thing in the drawer. Then, he picks up Hisana and carries her downstairs, ignoring her questions.

"I'm gonna make afternoon tea, Ichi, you wanna get ready for the party."

I nod weakly.

Yama pouts.

"Pay attention to me!" he wails.

I stare at him.

"Yama-soutaicho, do you want to go downstairs? Renji'll make something for you."

He bounces to the door.

"Yep! See ya at the party, Ichi!"

I smile, forcedly, and slam the door shut behind him.

Gah.

Bloody soutaicho.

Though, the house isn't too bad...Five minutes later, when I have attempted to tame my hair, but failed miserably, I am staring at my own clothes, when...

"Ichigo!" exclaims Renji, bursting into the room. I glance at him.

"Yeah?"

"Okay, Hisana's asleep-"

"What did you give her?" I ask suspiciously. I don't think she'd fall asleep that quickly. He gulps, and smiles weakly.

"Er, sleeping pills."

"Strong ones?"

"Yeah."

"Good, can't have her waking and seeing Matsumoto strip dancing."

Renji stares at me. I shrug. Okay, saying that giving good sleeping pills to a four year old child, meant to be mine, is a great idea is probably not good parenting.

But hell, did anyone expect me to be a good parent?

If you said yes to that, please get a mental health check. You need it. And a strait jacket.

"Right," he says slowly. "Er, moving on." I roll my eyes. "Shuddup Ichi. Anyway, there's a basement."

"Why?"

"No idea. I think it's a basement, because there's stairs going down from the bottom floor."

"You think there's a basement?"

"Yeah, wanna check?"

"Fine. But seriously, you should've checked first. Or what? Are you scared of the dark?"

"Shuddup."

I smirk, but let him lead me to the stairs. He pauses just in front of them, but I push in front, and head down.

There's a landing, and then a door. Sliding doors.

...

Okay. Weird.

We go in.

There's a huge, huge bed, exotically made, in the middle. Really lush carpet around it, and to the side, a large spa, with a double shower (those showers with two heads, so two people can take a shower at the same time. No point really, seeing as they'd probably end up under the one shower head) next to it. The walls are this beige gold color, and the ceiling is white. There's a cupboard near the back right corner, behind the bathroom.

"What the hell is this for?"

"Yay! You found it!"

Yama. I should have known.

"Explain," I tell him coldly.

"Well, see, this room is for just the two of you. No one can enter, except you two, and yes, I am speaking from a loudspeaker. I'll destroy it later, but just wanted to tell you. Anyway, if you don't want to be disturbed whilst doing very unholy things, come to this room."

My mouth drops open. Bloody hell. Holy ... what-the-hell-was-Yama-thinking. He created a room specifically for...I'm not even gonna think about it. But seriously, imagine Renji on that bed...watching me...me being able to do anything to him...no Hisana interrupting, or Isshin interrupting... or...Oh my God. The possibilities ...

NO! Not gonna think like that, perverted, nope. No way.

Imagine the possibilities.

Renji's blushing, and the loudspeaker self-destructs, making us both jump.

"What's the chances he's stuck video cameras to get porn?" I ask.

"...High."

He's still blushing.

"Renji?" I prod.

"Er, what? Eh, nothing." He glances around, and then looks at me, grinning. "You know, we should really use this room."

I slap him.

"Owww," he grumbles, touching his cheek. I smirk.

"C'mon, we have a party to get ready for. And you need a cold shower."

He looks down at himself, frowning, and then, seeing the evidence, blushes brightly. I smirk, and leave the room, deciding to free Renji from the risk of further embarrassment, because I'm pretty certain the room, and what it's definitely made for, has sparked one of his fantasies.

Chances it was about me?

Probably slim.

I think.

**A/N: -cackles madly -And I keep you in suspense. This chapter dedicated to MirlEy, who I can't reply due the annoymity. You had the nerve to threaten me! How dare you! -sniff-**

**Yes, the house. At first, it seems tame. Nice, even. But then, what Yama has done is purely insane. It is a product of my insanity. -mad cackle-**

**Doctor: (rushes in) QoB! You must be placed in a strait jacket!  
Me: NOOOO!!  
Doctor: The only way you can avoid being placed in a strait jacket is by receiving reviews for any of your stories on . Otherwise, you shall be placed in a cell and you won't be able to write more fanfiction and post it!  
Me: I NEED REVEIWS!! Or else I can't write more fanfiction and post it!  
**

**:D Okay, yep. I need help. My insanity's insane. :D**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter The Party. Yippee. Whoop di doo. Happy days. Note the sarcasm.

I wander out into the garden, where Matsumoto is standing suspiciously near to the non-alcoholic punch. Non-alcoholic? What a load of crap. It's probably more sake than punch now.

I'm ignoring Renji's furious glare, because, while I did change my clothes, they're as ...sexy? As the ones I was wearing before.

He's not happy.

Okay, he's probably pissed off because I'm gonna be wearing these at a party where everyone's pretty much destined to get drunk, and God knows that the Shinigami are perverted. Even when they're sober.

Whistling cheerfully, I wander over to Matsumoto.

"Hey," I say. "How much sake did you pour in there?"

"About ten cups," she replies idily. She looks up, and stares.

"ICHIGO!?" she stares at me, openly drooling at my body. Then, she frowns, and stares at me, backing away slowly. "Do you feel alright, Ichigo? You're being...Happy?" she sounds scared. "Sexy, too," she remarks, eyeing my clothes.

"Ne, I feel fine," I say casually, leaning against the table, watching as everyone comes in.

Someone puts on music, and its hard rock, with a heavy beat, and I absently nod my head to it, watching the people who grab drinks, and steadily get drunk. Matsumoto's brought out what appears to be a bottle of just alcohol, and is steadily getting pissed. Somehow, Yama's managed to set up a full out club-like party in the yards of the house, so we have disco lights, and it's getting dark. I feel like I'm in some sort of club, or something.

"Oi Ichi!" yells Ikkaku into my ear. I absently slam my hand into his head. "Oww! What was that for, Ichi! I ain't done nothing ta ya... YET!"

"What do you plan to do to me, Ikkaku?"

"Well, I wanna see whatcha got anda that shirt of yas." His hands slip around me to rest on my chest, and he starts moving them up and down me.

"Nope."

"Yay! Hear this Hisagi, Ichi's letting me see him naked!"

I look at Hisagi, who's rolling his eyes. I don't know why Hisagi's with Ikkaku, god knows Ikkaku's meant to be dating Yumi.

"You're not, are you?" Hisagi asks.

"Course not."

"Good, don't wanna have to carry a badly 'Zabimaru'ed' Ikkaku," he replies absently.

I shrug. Somehow the thought that Renji would attack anyone who hit on me is strangely endearing... cute really. I smile to myself.

Hisagi's shoving a drink into my hands. "Drink at least one cup, Taichou, or else this will really suck." I look at him. Taking the drink, l turn around to Ikkaku, and placing the drink on the table, I eye him. Then, I slam my fist onto the man's head, and knock him out. Taking my drink again, I leave.

I don't plan on drinking it soon, into the dancing in the middle of the front yard, I can smell alcohol, sweat, and can hear panting, laughing, and shouting. It's a full on party.

"ICHI!" screams Matsumoto out of no where, grabbing my arm, and shoving my face into her ... bust.

"Matsumoto! Let go of me already!" I yell at her automatically. This is like a normal occurrence, but it's still annoying when she does. Unfortunately, my voice is muffled. I don't have to write by what, right?

I struggle, but she's determined to get me to dance.

"C'mon, Ichi! Dance! Don't be like stuck up ass Kuchiki!"

I'm assuming she means Byakuya. I hope she means Byakuya. Because, otherwise, he'll get annoyed at her for insulting Rukia. And that means she'll be cut up badly.

That wouldn't be too bad right now, though. It'd mean that she would let go of me.

I finally yank my head away from her ... chest, and stare at her. She looks wild. Her hair's out and everywhere, her eyes are huge and bright, and she's giggling madly.

"Matsumoto," I say, "sit down and don't drink more sake."

"No!" she wails, and yanks me back, wrapping both arms around me, one hand suspiciously near my butt.

I growl, and slam my reiatsu onto her.

Hitsugaya turns up. Ah. Shit. I don't want to explain my actions to her captain. They might not look like it, but they're protective of each other, even if he's got her frozen half the time they're in the same room. Not sure how that shows their protectiveness, and I don't understand why she doesn't have frostbite/hyperthermia/any other condition related to being frozen. But hey. We're talking about Matsumoto and Hitsugaya. There's nothing normal about Shinigami, let alone the Ice Prince and his Sake Princess. Not that they're dating or anything, Hitsugaya's with Hinamori right now. Which is weird. Considering she tried to kill him. But hey.

Okay, I'm just gonna shut up about them now. Return to the action at hand, and all that crap.

"What are you doing to my fukutaicho, Kurosaki?" he asks, sounding suspicious. Heck, I would be too, if someone was making my fukutaicho lay prostrate, (I mean, flat, on the ground, not the other....word. Perverts.).

"She was drunk, and hitting on me," I grumble. Hitsugaya raises an eyebrow. I sigh. "She was holding my arse, Toushiro."

He shrugs. "Make sure she's safe." He glares at me, and I know that if I don't make sure she's okay, I'll have frostbite in the morning.

I nod, and leave her there, as I walk away, wondering why I'm bothering to be here.

Heck, I need to let loose.

I'm gonna regret this in the morning.

I take a large gulp of the punch.

I was right. It's more sake than punch. It's literally punch flavored sake, for all it could be.

I take more. It doesn't taste that bad, actually, it's almost okay. Not good, but not too bad....

I refill my cup.

Hisagi's, who's managing the drinks, stares at me suspiciously as I gulp down the drink. It tastes kinda good now. Used to the taste and all that. Not too bad.

"Trying to get yourself drunk, Ichigo? You're not the type."

I shrug at him. "Feel like it. God knows the last week's been hell."

He chuckles. "You haven't been acting yourself, I'll say that much."

He drinks two cups of the punch flavored sake, which is meant to be just punch, but who cares, I mean, hell, Matsumoto's at the party, every drink'll have sake in them, in quick succession. I drink two cups as well, glaring at him playfully. The punch-flavored sake is tasting better and better, I want more, I drink some more...

I feel goooooooooooooooood.

I giggle madly, and Hisagi grins happily. He walks around the table and hugs me. I smirk at him, and nuzzle his neck.

I shouldn't be doing this, the rational part of my mind, (Zangetsu?) says, but I don't care because Renji's no where near me, and Hisagi is, and Hisagi's cute.

I lick his tattoo.

Hisagi groans, and wraps both arms around me again, yanking me towards him. I smirk, and nuzzle his one helluva well muscled chest.

He smirks, and sticks a hand down the back of my jeans. Ooh...I feel good. Moaning, I snuggle into him.

"HISAGI!" screams a voice. It sounds furious.

Renji. Oh. Shit. This means Hisagi's gonna go, or get killed, and that would be bad, because he feels good next to me like this.

Renji's reiatsu is absolutely furious. I turn to him, smiling as Hisagi's hand stays in its current position, cupping my ass. I shift slightly, feeling his hand rub me.

"Yeah, Renji?" I ask, voice slurring. His eyes widen momentarily, and then he glares at Hisagi.

I whimper unhappily as Hisagi quickly removes his hand from my ass, and my jeans.

I turn to him, begging for him to return his hand to its previous position, but he's nowhere to be seen. That was quick. But I want him...

Renji's arms wrap around my waist.

"You are not allowed to let him do that ever again," he says.

"But why?" I whimper. "It was fun."

"Really?" he sounds like he's been dared. "Bet I can do better."

Ooh. Good.

"Let's dance," he says. I can smell some alcohol on his breath as I turn, my face just under his. We're only a few millimeters away from each other.

"That's boring," I tell him. My tongue flicks out and licks his lips, making him whimper slightly.

I've never felt more horny.

He shakes his head, and pulls me to the dance floor. I absently snuggle into him, determined to feel more of his body, but he's insisting on dancing, and then a slow song comes on. Thank God for whoever's doing the music. This gives me an excuse to I wrap my hands around his neck, as his hands go around my waist, and we sway to the rhythm. Then, I shift my hands down his back, rubbing him.

Renji whimpers at the feel and grabs my face with his hands, and kisses me. It's hot. GOOD. It feels so goddamned good, and his tongue's so talented, and some part of me reminds me that we're doing this in public, and I squish it because I just wanna concentrate on kissing Renji and feeling him, and just Renji in total because he's so goddamned sexy, and I think I should go to the house because no one else is allowed to see Renji naked, and I'm gonna get these stupid clothes off him. NOW.

I tug him towards the house, hearing faint catcalls and whistling, and yells of free porn.

The front door is opened by some short midget with black hair and a camera. I fall through it as Renji pulls away, panting.

"More," I moan, leaning forwards, and attempting for another kiss.

He shakes his head, and stands up, leaving me on the floor. The door's closed.

Renji goes to the kitchen, and I follow slowly, licking my bruised lips.

"Renji," I moan again. "Finish what you've started." I glare at him, pleading for more.

"You're drunk."

"And you're not?" I ask, confused. I thought Renji was drunk too. Renji turns to me, drinking a cold drink. He sees me staring at him, frowning, with a slight pout, and groans.

"Bastard," he mutters, "You're too damn cute."

He strides forward, discarding the cup, and yanks me into another make out session.

I drag him to the basement. I need him. Now.

--

Isshin turned to the main monitor, and turned the volume back on. While he wasn't a stickler for privacy, he did know the limit, and had politely (again, something he wasn't known for) avoided the main monitor, which was connected to the camera in the basement of Ichigo and Renji's new house.

Now, he was quite sure that the two would be exhausted after their lengthy, and repeated, lovemaking, or he hoped they would be.

"My son inherited my stamina. Oh I'm so proud," he said to no one in particular, as he saw the two boys sprawled over each other in the bed. It had taken them some time to actually pull away long enough to properly get into that bed, he remembered.

"I love you Ichigo," Renji suddenly murmured, stroking the boy's hair. "Loved you for a long time, actually. That's why I didn't mind so much, getting married, and everythin', though if it had been of our own free choice, I'd have been happier. And, no, I'm not drunk, just a little bit ...Not as much as you, and I didn't want to ...I dunno, take advantage of you but still... You're too damn cute for your own good, Ichi ... I hope you remember this," he added, finally, gazing at the boy. "Why'd I say that?" he asked after pausing, before leaning down and kissing Ichigo's head.

Isshin's mouth dropped, his eyes widened, and he almost needed treatment for shock.

"Say something good, damnit Ichigo," the father whispered furiously. "Don't blow this up, goddamn it. Oh, God no," he added as the boy let out a huge snore, and turned around, snuggling into Renji's arms.

"You're asleep?" asked Renji, shocked. A little smile drifted onto his face. "Well, remember that in the morning, and tell me you love me too, because what we did tonight pretty much screamed that we love each other." With that, he tightened his hold on Ichigo, and leant back into the bed. Smiling suddenly, he looked at Ichigo. "And don't flirt with my fukutaicho ever again."

Isshin banged on the monitor in frustration. "Goddamn it Ichigo! That's probably one of the most stupid things you've ever done!"

"What's he done this time? I doubt it could match his invasion of Soul Society," drawled Byakuya behind him, Isshin spun around, looking livid.

"He was asleep during Renji's love confession."

Byakuya's eyes widened momentarily as he took in the news. Isshin knew that was the match of someone going into hysteria.

"That is more stupid than invading Soul Society," he agreed softly, walking to the monitor and replaying the confession. He paused, breathing deeply. "The idiot. Well, tomorrow morning, he could remember this and admit to his love for Renji, or he could remember and declare that he doesn't love Renji. Or, he could not remember but admit to his love anyway, or he could say that this night means nothing."

Isshin smiled deprecatingly. "My money's on him making a huge mountain out of nothing."

**A/N:**

**Doctor: I still think you should go to the nearest mental health clinic.**

**Me: BUT I GOT SO MANY REVIEWS!!**

**Doctor: -snorts-**

**Me: I Hateth thou!**

**Doctor: -gapes- Um, Old English? WTF?**

**Me: -giggles- Doctoreth sweareth!**

**Doctor: Right. That's it. You need a strait jacket!**

**Me: NOETH! THOU PROMISEDETH! **

**Doctor: Yeah, well, why are you using Old English? I think that kinda says we can't trust you to do something insanely cruel and sadistic, e.g. making Ichigo asleep during Renji's love confession, for which your readers will surely kill you for, so this is more for your own protection!**

**Me: -laughs evilly- YESETH! I AMETH CRUELETH! And my readers won'teth killeth meth, theneth they wouldn'teth geteh any moreth SGTP. BLACKMAILETH! **

**Doctor: Not necessarily a good thing.**

**Me: Welleth, ateth leasteth I puteth upeth the housetg planseth onth deviantart.**

**Doctor: You did?**

**Me: Yepeth! http : / queenofbookworms . deviantart . com -- without the spaceseth of courseth. Myeth profileth!**

**Doctor: You. Need. A. Strait. Jacket. You're not even speaking right Old English.**

**ME: NOOOOOOOOOOETH!**

**Doctor: well, um, not all your readers are reviewing! You're getting, um, like 200 hits, and not that many reviews!**

**ME: NOETH! DOETH NOTETH DEPRESSETH METH LIKETH THATETH!**

**Doctor: -Twitch- Strait Jacket, QoB, come on, it's not that bad!**

**Me: WHATETH CANETH IETH DOETH TO AVOIDETH THE STRAIT JACKETH!**

**Doctor: Well, reviews get you protection--**

**Me: YESETH I NEEDETH MORETH REVIEWSETH!**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Morning After

OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! OOOOOWWWW! **_OW_**!

Goddamned fucking stupid bloody goddamned hangover!

My head hurts too much for me to move. My back hurts. I can imagine why, though, the memories of last night has stayed firmly implanted in my head. Good thing Renji'll have the same pain.

Sadistic laugh.

I groan. Someone laughs and I crank open one eye only to shut it again.

The light! It HURTS!

"I'll dim the lights then," Renji murmurs, and the lights go away.

Groaning again, I pull myself up into a sitting position.

"My head," I whimper. Renji forces a cup of evil - looking, sadistic stuff into my hands.

"Drink," he orders.

"I won't, until you tell me who made it."

"Matsumoto and Shunsui. Joint project. It's a hangover cure," he says. I nod and gulp the foul stuff. "You drank it?" He sounds stunned.

"Well, yeah," I reply, "It was made by Shunsui and Matsumoto, so it's gotta work."

He just nods weakly, astonished. I smile and sink into the bed, reflecting briefly that I'm naked, and Renji's already dressed, and judging by the smell, showered as well.

I sigh. "We have to take Hisana to Third today, right?"

"Maybe. Probably. Don't feel like it?"

"No? Really? I feel like crap. 'Course not."

My sarcasm is clear. Renji chuckles.

He's being nice. Scary.

I shift and whimper at the pain. Renji grins.

"Ass hurts?"

"Yeah, you?"

"I need pain killers."

I roll my eyes. "Get them then."

"Unohana has them, and I don't plan on going to her any time soon," Renji replies, flopping onto the bed, and looking at me.

He's now leaning against the headboard, next to me. I turn slightly, eyeing him in case he does something interesting.

Like kissing me.

"So do you think Yama got some interesting porn last night?" he asks.

I snort. "If my dad hasn't gotten his dirty little paws on it yet, yeah."

He says nothing for a while, and then looks at me curiously. "I'm surprised, Ichi. I thought you'd be storming around, yelling at me for taking advantage of you last night."

I snort, and pull myself off the bed, wincing at the pain, and stride to the showers, ignoring that I'm naked, and Renji's watching me. "Renji. We were drunk. And when you're drunk, you do stupid things. Like...well, last night. Anyway, it's not like we love each other or anything, and our relationship's in turmoil now. I don't love you, you don't love me, we were drunk, and ended up in a one night stand. At least, that's my reasoning. So, let's ignore last night ever happened, okay?"

Renji doesn't say anything for a few moments, and when he speaks, he sounds tight and constricted, like he's trying to avoid doing something. "Right, well, I'm off...to see friends, okay?"

He doesn't wait for an answer, and just dashes out.

I've lied, though. I think I might just love the bastard. Which, really, okay. I admit, I'm kinda new to the entire gay thing. I had a crush on Rukia, but that ended after a while. And besides, how do you tell whether you love someone? Or whether it's just a crush? Or maybe I should just grab Renji, tell him I was lying to myself when I said that, that I actually love him, see what he says and go from there?

Or do nothing?

Nothing's the safe option.

I'll do nothing.

"You idiot," breathes someone suddenly, appearing in front of me. Suddenly, I'm glad I've taken a shower, and started to dress.

Heck, I don't care whether Shirosaki lives in my mind, I don't want the pervert to see me naked.

"What, Shirosaki?" I snap at him.

He slaps me. Hard. For a few seconds, I'm too in shock to react as I fall back, but then I glare at him.

"What the fuck?" I demand. "Do you want a rematch for domination?"

"Do you know what Renji said last night, just after the sex?" he asks. I stare at him.

Renji said something?

"No..." I reply slowly.

"He said he loved you. That he wanted this to be more than a one night stand. That he wasn't actually drunk, that he didn't want to take advantage of you," he takes a deep breath before grabbing my shoulders and shaking me furiously. "YOU ARE AN **IDIOT**! You were asleep during his fucking love confession, you completely lied to him today, and to yourself, and you ... you ... _YOU JUST BROKE HIS GODDAMNED HEART, KUROSAKI ICHIGO_! Does he mean _nothing _to you?! You...YOU...Bastard," he growls. "There's no word strong enough. You weren't just stupid. You. AGRH! There's nothing to describe the **_stupidity_** of what you've just done."

He rants on for a few minutes. I don't listen, but.

I can't believe... Oh God. I am an idiot. I can't believe this.

No. Fucking. Way.

Renji loves me?

He wasn't drunk?

Bastard. Took advantage last night.

HE LOVES ME!?

Oh God.

I fall back onto the floor, leaning against the shower door, staring blankly at the area in front of me, at the bed, which we have to clean.

Not we. I.

If Renji comes back to me after what I've just done, he's a fucking saint.

And he's not.

And he doesn't ... shouldn't come back to a fucking moron like me.

"Oh God," I whisper pathetically.

Shiro looks at me for a few seconds.

"It's all your own fault, Kurosaki."

I can't move. Oh God. No way.

My life sucks.

I can't put it into words. This is just so... Oh God. No way. No fucking shitty bloody hell way.

SHIT!

Renji must hate me now. Oh God. No way. I don't want Renji to hate me. I don't want to him to detest me.

I can't deal with Renji's hatred. When he did, when we first met, I barely knew him. It didn't matter whether he hated me or not, but now, oh god. I just wanna sink into a hole and die.

Because dying would be so much easier to deal with than Renji hating me.

Because Renji meant to be my partner. We see each other so often, not just because we're living together now, but because we're both captains, both of our divisions, and Third, were so badly affected by the war, and we work together so often.

And now, he hates me. He has to hate me. I'm such an idiot, and he probably didn't like how I just completely brushed him off.

Hang on.

Hisana.

Oh shit.

I've got to take care of her, and I doubt Renji took her with him, wherever he went. Because, seriously, being a parent means taking care of your kid no matter how shitty the situation is for you, right? Which means I should check on her right now.

Even though it's the last thing I want, and I'm grateful Shirosaki left, I haul my sorry ass off the floor, and go to the ground floor.

Hisana's sitting on the rumpus carpet, playing with her bears.

"Mummy!" she cries as she notices me. She leaps to her feet, bolts across the floor and glomps me.

Well, at least someone in this house likes me.

"Daddy left five minutes ago, Mummy, and he looked angry. Why Mummy? Did you and Daddy have a fight? Can you make up? Can you? I don't like it when Daddy and you are angwy," she whimpers, nuzzling into my shoulder as I carry her to the kitchen bench and place her on the granite tabletop.

I think about this. He has got to come home at some time, right? I can talk to him then, and he has a chance to work off some anger, frustration, whatever he's feeling right now, and yeah. It's a great plan.

I hope.

"Yeah sure, Hisana," I say softly, looking at her, smiling slightly. Relieved, she stands.

"I'm hungry," she declares.

I roll my eyes. Kids these days. Always thinking of their stomachs, and nothing else.

Okay, now I sound like a grandfather.

That's just...Blah.

I'm about to make some toast, when she demands something else.

"Well, what do you want to eat, then?" I ask, exasperated.

She pauses, thinking. Then, she brightens.

Why do I feel like this is not going to be good?

"Pancakes!" she declares.

Oh. God. No.

"I have a prophecy to m-"

"What's a pwophocai?"

"Prophecy, Hisana. It's like a...Um, forecast of the future."

"Oh. So, you're like, saying what's gonna happen in the future?"

"Yeah. Anyway, I think -"

"Why I think? Don't you know that it will happen?"

"It might, or it might not, Hisana. It depends on what you do. Now, to my prophecy. I think that the world will blow up -"

"What would happen if the world blow up?"

"Blew up, Hisana. Verb tenses. Get them right. Now, if the world-"

"What are verb tenses?"

"ARGH! You ask too many questions, Hisana!"

"But Demon Cat said it was good if I ask a lot of questions. She said it... Um, it er, ewxtwended my knowedge. Or somethin' like that."

"It extends your knowledge. It also annoys everyone around you."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Anyway, if the world blew up, we'd all die. Anyway, I reckon that the world will blow up -"

"Wouldn't it be easier to say that everyone would die, instead of saying that the world will blow up?"

"Um, yeah, but blow up sounds better than dying. It's more violent."

"But I thought violence was a bad thing. Mummy, you don't support violence, do you?"

"To be a Shinigami, you have to."

"Then, I won't become a Shinigami!"

"You have two of the best Shinigami as your parents, Hisana, you're expected to be a Shinigami."

"But I don't like violence."

"Join Fourth, then."

"But I don't like blood and gore and all that. _Mummy_!"

"Hisana, do you want these pancakes or not?"

"Yeah! Pancakes! Pancakes rule!"

"Er, right."

I hunt around for a recipe book, and eventually find one. Flicking through the pages, I search for a pancake recipe but can't find one.

"Mummy, does this flour packet have a pancake recipe?" Hisana asks five minutes after fruitless searching on my part.

Ignore the pun. Ignore pineapples are fruit. Ignore.

I look at the packet, and groan. "Yes Hisana. It is. YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE!"

Hisana's eyes widen, and she begins to look upset. "Mummy, don't yell, please. I didn't mean it."

"It's okay, Hisana. You could have told me before," I say tiredly, picking her up, and hugging her. She hugs me back.

"Okay," I say, reading the packet. "We need flour, which we have, milk, eggs, butter, sugar and, do you want," I groan, "strawberries."

"Strawberry!" she giggles. I scowl at her. "That's funny. I don't think we can put you in a pancake recipe, Mummy."

I keep scowling. "Mummy! You frown a lot! Is it because of Daddy?" Hisana asks innocently.

I try to look away, unperturbed, "Hisana, back to the pancakes." She looks at me with worry but she dismisses any thoughts and rushes to the cupboard and takes out the flour. She tries to picks up the bag of flour, but it's too heavy for her and the bag collapses on the floor, sending up a puff of flour.

"Ooh! Mummy! This is awesome!" She starts jumping around gleefully on the flour, making it spread on the floor. I groan.

"Kuroaski Hisana Masaki!" I snap. "Stop that."

"But Mummy!" she wails. "You're no fun!" she pauses, grins, and continues, "That's it! Yachiru will come over!"

"NO!" I yell at her. She starts biting her lips, her chin wobbling. "We have to do the pancakes now."

"OK Mummy!" She salutes me and starts jumping around. "What else?" More puffs of flour float up. Why am I reminded of those pictures of the nuclear bombs and the mushroom clouds?

Okay, the fact I'm thinking of that as I watch my daughter jump around in flour is probably just a little worrying.

"Goddammit! The flour!" I screech. I start to frantically clean the flour on the flour. I give up. There's too much, which is no surprise given the four kilo bag of flour. Sighing, I glance at the list again. Milk. I turn around to see Hisana carrying the milk towards me. I quickly take the milk off her, to avoid anymore accidents, but in my haste to take it off her, I drop the carton. And, yes, it all leaks everywhere. And it's all over me. I'll have to change now.

You know, the kitchen's kinda covered in about four kilos of flour, and a couple of litres of milk. This is gonna take a lot of cleaning. Great. Where's Yuzu when you need her?

"Uh, Hisana, I need to go change because I had an accident."

"Ooh! Mummy wet herself!" She starts cackling loudly. I sigh warily, and rub my temples.

"No, I spilt a bit of milk on me. Try not to do anything while I'm gone, OK?"

"Sure! You can count on me, Mummy!" She salutes like before.

I don't think I've ever been more worried.

I cautiously leave the room and change into new clothes. While I'm tying my obi, I can't stop thinking about Renji and what he might be doing right now. _Jeez, I'm such an idiot_. I keep repeating this to my self as I feel my eyes watering up._ Am I crying? What's happening to me?_

I come out of my room to find hell.

Yes, this is the Shinigami Replica to hell. Behind the puffs of flour, I can see Hisana pouring the pancake mix into a pan. I'm so worried about Renji that I don't take to account that Hisana has made a pancake mix and is pouring it into a pan and might even burn herself.

A few minutes later, Hisana hands me some pancakes on plate. She even remembers to drizzle maple syrup on it. I dig in, and because I'm starving, I devour the first pancake in a matter of then, I'm not that starved, so I start eating slower. And that means I can taste what I'm eating.

SHIT.

They taste too... salty. "Uh, Hisana, what sugar did you put in the pancakes?" I question, only to make her broadly grin at me. She shoves me a bag of...

Salt. I should have guessed. I try to keep eating. But is that?!

Eggshells.

"Hisana, how did you put in the eggs?" I say to her, sterner than before. She innocently smiles at me.

"I just put them in. They're so cool! You don't have to open them or anything!"

"So you just dropped them in?"

"Yeah!" Hisana says brightly. I cough.

"I think I have to go to the bathroom now." I excuse myself from the table and make my way to the bathroom. I then vomit everything.

Note to self: NEVER allow Hisana ANYWHERE where she can cook ANYTHING!

Because then we'd all get food poisoning. Even Orihime can cook better than her.

Yes. I know. Orhime? Cook? Better than a person?

Well at least Orihime actually breaks the eggs open BEFORE she puts them in the mix.

That's elementary cooking.

...

PLAN!

I have a plan!

...

Don't look at me like that. I _can_ think up plans, people. God.

Respect, people? I _am _a taicho.

Anyway.

I go back into the kitchen, where Hisana's staring at my meal.

"Didn't you like it Mummy?" she asks, voice quivering.

I sigh, mentally.

"Hisana, you just made some mistakes. Now, let's cook these properly."

"Okay!"

I stare at the kitchen floor.

Eggs, milk, flour, salt, chocolate?

"Er, Hisana, why is there chocolate?"

"I ate some!"

Oh. God.

"YAY! I FEEL SO HAPPY!" she screams.

Oh. Hell. God.

"Anyway, let's make pancakes!" she says. "Okay, so flour." She pours flour into a bowl. "Milk." Milk goes in. "Eggs, and, um, choccy!"

She grins, looking at the stuff in the bowl. "Right, then into the pan!" Using a spoon, she pours some into a pan.

"Hisana. That's not how you make pancakes."

"It isn't?" she looks sad.

"No, Hisana. It's not."

I then teach her to make pancakes.

And, shock horror gasp, they come out vaguely okay.

Edible, at least.

"Okay, now, let's clean this mess up!" I declare. My arm falls to my side when I regard the room around me.

Let's just say...

Flour

Milk

Eggs

Blueberries

Chocolate

Salt

Sugar

Are all on the floor.

At least four kilos of flour, a couple of litres of milk, two dozen eggs, a kilo of blueberries, and several packets of chocolate.

It's a waste of ingredients, and POOR CHOCCY!

"How are we gonna clean this up?" I ask.

"Let's eat it!" Hisana declares. She picks up some flour with egg and milk on it, and puts it in her mouth before I can stop her. "EWWWW! YUCKY!"

"That's why you shouldn't eat it, Hisana."

"But then, what do we do?"

"Um, let's see."

I stare at it, reflecting that Renji would have some idea of what to do, before I notice the garbage bin outside.

The commercial sized bin.

Smirking, I turn to Hisana.

"Right, got a garbage bag?"

"Er... What's a garbage bag?"

I sigh, and hit my head. "A garbage bag, Hisana. A large black bag. Very hard to miss. Usually in a roll."

"Mummy's not angry with me, are you? I don't like it when you're angry," Hisana whimpers. I sigh, and look at her.

"No, Hisana. I'm not angry with you."

With that, I pull open a drawer, and Kami-sama must've decided that I've had enough punishment so far, because I find garbage bags.

"Okay," I tell her, "Just put everything in this, and we can take it outside, and put it in the garbage bin."

"But will everything fit in there? This house is too big."

"Not. The. House. Hisana. The Mess. On the floor. Hard to miss."

"Mummy's angry with me!" she wails loudly.

"Hisana, I'm not. I'm just cranky."

"Why? Did I make you cranky? What did I do, Mummy!? I'm sorry!"

"You did nothing wrong, Hisana," I say placating, kneeling and hugging her warmly. "Renji made me cranky, okay?"

"Okay," she sniffs, head on my shoulder. "Now, let's clean!"

She will not have this love of cleaning when she's older, I think unhappily. Damn.

Hisana picks up handful after handful of stuff and dumps them in the bag. Soon, the floor's half clean. As in, the amount of stuff is halved.

Whoa. Now I definitely wish she keeps this cleaning ability.

"Mummy, are you going to help?" she demands, pouting. I stare at her.

Okay, yeah, I kinda haven't been doing much for the past however long she's been cleaning. More like...Leaning against the wall, grinning.

"Er, yeah. Er, sorry?" I say weakly.

"Bad Mummy," she reprimands, before returning the cleaning. I shake my head slowly, and join her in cleaning the mess up.

Smiling weakly, I smile at her. Sure, I'd been leaning against the bench doing nothing while she did all the work, but hey.

"Yes, madam. I'll get to work right away, madam," I joke, making Hisana roll her eyes but grin all the same.

After issuing a fake salute, I start to pick up the flour/egg/milk/I -really-don't-want to-know-what other-crap-there-is mess and dump it into the bag.

It feels disgusting.

Okay, there's no surprise there, and you really need to know what it feels like to have a raw egg with flour mixed with milk feels like when you hold it in your hand, but still.

Anyway, so we finally finish cleaning that up. I, somehow, have managed to heave the bags filled with some four odd kilos of flour, a couple of litres of milk, a few dozen eggs and a several packets of perfectly good chocolate out into the commercial sized garbage bin.

I hate Yama. It's not like we need a commercial sized garbage bin. That's a bit overdoing it.

Then again, looking at this mess, we probably do need it.

I feel pathetic.

Oh well. It's not like that's a new thing for me.

Let me indulge in some self-pity for a few minutes.

Right, now that that's over, let's get to the present situation.

"BUTTERFLY!" screams Hisana delightedly, rushing to see a Hell Butterfly hover nervously above her head. "It's so...BLACK!"

Talk about stating the obvious.

"That's a Hell Butterfly, Hisana," I tell her. The Butterfly lets out something that sounds suspiciously like a whimper when Hisana attempts to capture it with her hands.

Hisana then spends the next few minutes chasing the Butterfly around the ground floor while it flies around. I sit down on a stool at the kitchen bench to watch. Or rather, point and laugh. Cruel, I know.

The Butterfly flies to the top of the room, near the ceiling, in an attempt to escape Hisana's grasp. Laughing, Hisana dumps herself on the floor, outside the kitchen (the kitchen is not quite safe to sit on its floor yet) while I watch with a raised eyebrow.

"Mummy! Can you catch the Buttwafly for me!? Please?! Pleasey weasey?"

I haven't heard that before. Pleasey weasey? ... Okay...

Moving on.

"Why, Hisana?"

"Can I keep it as a pet?!"

"Um, no. They're Yama's."

"WHAT!? How come Old Man can keep them!? That's not fair!" she wails.

"Well, he uses them to send messages around. And when you're a Shinigami, you can use them to move between the worlds."

"Messages? So, what's he saying? How come I can't hear it!?"

I gesture to the Hell Butterfly and it obediently flies down and perches on my outstretched arm. I listen to it, and grin.

"Can I hear him? How come I can't? That's not fair!" she wails once more.

"It speaks fairy language," I say dryly.

"Ooh? Really? That's so cool!"

Oh my god. Does she not understand sarcasm when she hears it?

...

Then again, she's about four.

"I was joking, Hisana. To hear them, you have to -"

"MEANIE!"

I am very sorely tempted to bang my head against a table. Or wall. Or anything one might bang their head against.

Children.

They're so annoying.

Ignore my age here. I'm about seventeen.

Now that I think about it, I'm too young to raise a child. Probably single-handedly, too, seeing as Renji probably hates my guts now. I can add him to the list. Yes, List. As in, the 'Ichigo's list of people who hate his guts' list. Let me indulge in another few moments of self-pity again.

Ignore all the teen pregnancies out there while you're at it.

Getting back to reality.

Hisana has managed to coax a petrified Hell Butterfly to her hand, and is listening to the message.

"There was a party last night?" she asks me, confusedly.

"Yeah, you were asleep during it." Thank god, I add mentally. I know Matsumoto was strip dancing by the time Renji and I were...Yeah. Moving on.

I groan when I remember that Rukia had a camera. Knowing her, she's probably printing off hundreds of pictures of me and Renji kissing and sticking them up all over the place.

Whoop de doo.

Oh. Right. I never did tell you what the Butterfly said, did I?

"So we get a day off! Yay!" Hisana yells. I smile.

Yep. Yama has given everyone a day off. Something about hangovers, party cleanup, you get the general idea. Now, if Yama gets dragged along to Shunsui's drinking parties, I reckon we could get a helluva lot more days off... I'll have to speak to Shunsui about that.

Yep. Anyway.

...

I have to ask. Do all the captains of fifth division become cunning/clever (not that I was already clever before I became fifth captain (anyone who snorts at that can die painfully))/devious/a basic replica of Urahara minus the green hat/clogs/cloak/basic ridiculousness?

Just a suspicion.

Anyway.

I'm overusing the word 'anyway', aren't I?

Any-oh for god's sake, where's a thesaurus?

I smile at her and then frown.

"What are we going to do?" I ask.

Hisana beams.

"Demon Cat left me a present!" Oh shit. "Face paints!"

Remind me to kill 'Demon Cat'.

"Face paints," I say unenthusiastically, despite my best attempts to be enthusiastic. "Yay."

Hisana has apparently failed to notice my lack of delight.

"I'll get them, then!"

I can only watch with growing dread as she dashes off.

She returns a few minutes later, proudly bearing the paints and paper, looking like the world was not about to blow up, which was what I was sure would happen.

What Other People Would Say:

Rukia: Can't be that bad! (says this while sniggering quietly as she rushes to the nearest Gate to flee to the real world.)

Renji: (sniggers) Well, I got... Er...BYAKUYA WANTS ME! (To which I would say: He's not your captain. To which Renji would have already disappeared a relatively safe distance away (e.g. Real World).)

Byakuya: (stares) Unlike you, Kurosaki, I have a division to run. Farewell. (Shunpos away, to Real World)

Yep. Most people realise that putting Hisana, face paints and me in the same room means devastation, destruction and demolition.

And Yoruichi still gave her face paints. Idiot.

Hisana sits down at the kitchen bench and eagerly opens all the bottles of paints. I swivel around to face her and eye the opened bottles of paints.

They all have sadistic appearances.

Okay, yeah, that might be more my imagination than anything else, but you get the idea.

Karin and Yuzu often used face paints. Somehow, I always ended up with half the paint on me. Somehow. Just somehow.

Hopefully this will all change.

That's my optimistic side speaking. Yep, I have an optimistic side. Shock. Horror. Gasp.

To kick you all out of shock, I listen to my pessimistic side more.

And that's telling me that, if I value my life, I should flee. Now.

I should be brave, though. Stay here. Weather the storm.

I mean, I defeated Aizen. Dealing with Hisana and face paints should be easy! A piece of cake!

Yeah, I don't believe that.

For one thing, Hisana had chocolate before.

"MUMMY! Can I paint your face?"

"No!" I yell instinctively.

"Mummy?" she whimpers, puppy dog eyes coming out.

Oh god. This girl inherited... she ain't my child, she just happens to have qualities like mine. Like my cunning.

Anyone who says I don't have cunning can hand themselves over to Soi Fon and tell them Yoruichi sent them because they abused Yoruichi's cat ability. That way, you get a hands on experience of how the torture machines work.

Sighing, I mutter, "Fine. But nothing stupid, 'kay?" I add, glaring at her.

"Okay!" she agrees, far too readily for my liking. Sighing, I glare at her. "Okay, mummy, what should I do?" she asks as she frowns at the paints.

"Look, do you want me to do one on you, and then you can do one for me?"

"Okay!"

I pick up the pots of paint, and I swear these will be the death of me.

"What do you want?"

"Um, a fairy!"

I begin to paint a fairy onto her cheek.

"That tickles!" she giggles, moving away. I scowl.

"I can't paint a fairy onto your face if you move away."

"But it's cold!"

"Deal with it."

"Mummy's a meanie!"

"Yes, Hisana, I am. Now do you want a fairy, or not?"

"Fine."

She sits down again, scowling, and I finally finish the fairy off.

"Now, mirror," I mutter, as I take her to the bathroom. She laughs happily, and almost touches it, before I slap her hand away. "No touching the paint until it's dry."

"But how can I check if it's dry if I can't touch it?"

"I don't know; just don't touch it for a while."

"That's stupid," she mutters, but drags me to the kitchen, and forces me onto the chair.

"Now I can do you!" she says happily. "REVENGE!"

I. Am. Gonna. Die. I bet you, Aizen planted those face paints as revenge. Yeah... He did. I could leave a note, and we could get revenge ourselves. REVENGE!

I'd believe myself, if a) I didn't sound like a maniac, and b) if Aizen hadn't gone insane after the war.

Though, I am told that I sound like a maniac most of the time, and Aizen was always insane, so... A hah! Aizen is behind this!

And you can take away that strait jacket you pulled out, Rukia.

"There!" declares Hisana. I stare at her, before dashing to the bathroom, and groaning.

"A goblin? A goblin, Hisana? Was that completely necessary?"

"Well you've been so mean all day, and goblins are meanies, so..."

I knew being grumpy would kick me in the ass.

"You're mean," I grumble at her.

She grins. And then her eyes widen.

"Can I paint everyone's faces!?"

I think about it.

Hell, why not?

"Sure," I say.

"YAY!" she screams. Loudly.

This is either gonna kick me in the ass, and badly, or it's gonna be as funny as hell.

I sincerely hope for the latter.

She drags me out of the house after putting all the paints in a little satchel she got somewhere. Somehow, I'm not interested in where. As long as she didn't steal it, I'd rather not know. We head first for Second.

"DEMON CAT! YORUICHI OBSESSOR! I WANNA PAINT YOUR FACES!"

They stare at her for a few seconds, before staring at her and shrugging.

Hisana bounces up and sits on Yoruichi's lap, staring at her thoughtfully. And then she grins, and pulls out the black paint pot.

"What did she paint on your face, Ichi-berry?" Yourichi asks, peering at my face, as Hisana starts.

"Where did you get that nick name?"

"Why, little Hisana here -"

"I'm not little!"

"Sorry, dear. Now, Hisana-chan said that Renji liked to call you that."

"You're not allowed to use that nickname."

"Why, is 'Ichi-berry' Renji's pet name for you? That's so cute!"

"No," I huff indignantly, looking away.

"Right, anyway, a goblin?"

"Mummy was being a meanie, and goblins are meanies."

Yoruichi snickers.

"THERE!" Hisana declares. Yoruichi pulls a portable mirror from Hisana's satchel.

"A black cat?"

"Only appropriate," I snicker.

Soi Fon glares at me.

"Why does it look like it's smirking, like it's just seen a plate of cream?"

"It matches your personality," I add, struggling not to laugh.

Soi Fon smacks me. I scowl at her.

"Heard of respecting your fellow captains?"

"Technically, you're lower than me in rank. You are a relatively new captain, and I have been captain for nearly a hundred years."

I hate reason/logic/stuff that makes sense. "Yet I am stronger than you," I point out.

"That does not matter," she huffs.

I roll my eyes. Hisana yanks Soi Fon onto a chair, bounces onto her lap and starts painting. While she's painting, Hisana keeps looking at Yoruichi.

I begin to worry.

"There!" Hisana declares. I look at her, and can't but laugh.

Yoruichi stares, and looks torn between laughter and fear for Hisana's life.

Hisana has, after all, painted a picture of Yoruichi onto Soi Fon's face.

"Okay, how about we move on?" I suggest weakly.

"Okay! Now, um, how about...Let's go to Eighth!"

"One minute," Soi Fon snarls. She looks at her face in the mirror. First, she looks shocked, and then embarrassed, and then furious.

"Kurosaki. Masaki. Hisana. DIE!" she yells.

"Don't you dare yell death threats at my daughter!" I yell back, drawing my Zanpakuto as she draws her.

We both death glare each other before she lunges for Hisana. I intercept the blow, and overpower her, before bringing my Zanpakuto down in a furious slash, that she manages to parry in time.

For a few minutes, we trade blows, and insults, and she yells a couple of death threats at Hisana, but neither of us actually manage to get through each other's shield.

Then, Yoruichi decides to intervene, and pulls us apart.

"As much as your protectiveness of your daughter is endearing, Ichi, I suggest you don't attack my captain," she says dryly. "And that wasn't the best of examples to set to your daughter."

I huff indignantly, and storm outside, yelling over my shoulder, "well perhaps you should teach your captain not to threaten little girls," as I drag Hisana with me.

"Did I do something wrong?" she whimpers.

"No, just don't draw pictures of who people like on them next time."

"But that means I can't draw a picture of Pink Coat on Book Lady and Book Lady on Pink Coat!"

I hope my daughter does not grow up to be a matchmaker.

Though she'd be damn good at it.

As scary as the thought is, it's probably true.

We head over to Eighth, me reminding Hisana not to do any of the portraits just before we go through the doors.

"HISANA-CHAN!"

"Hi Pink Coat! Book Lady!" she greets them. "Now, can I paint your faces?!"

"OF COURSE, MY DEAR HISANA-CHAN!"

"You're just trying to get out of work again," Book -er, Nanao, growls.

"Why would I do that?!"

"Must I answer the question?"

"My dear Nanao-chan-"

"She's not yours," Hisana points out.

"Very true," snarls Nanao, smiling at Hisana.

"Oh, if only you would smile at me more often!"

"She probably would if you did more work," Hisana remarks, surprisingly correct.

Yeah, I see a worryingly good matchmaker here.

"She is absolutely correct. Now tell me, Taichou, why a four year old realizes that after a mere few minutes in my presence, and you have not realized that despite being centuries older than her?"

"Realized what?" asks Pink - Shunsui. Do not call him by his nick name. Should not.

"That I would be happier if you did more work," snarls Nanao.

"Why did you not tell me before, my dear Nanao-chan!?" exclaims Shunsui, immediately sitting at his desk, and pulling a stack of paperwork towards himself. Nanao stares in open mouthed shock as he starts to work. "I would do anything for you, even work!"

"Hehe," giggles Hisana as she finishes the face painting a few minutes later.

On his cheek is now a cup of sake wrapped in a pink haori, similar to the one Shunsui wears.

Nanao's eyes widen, and she smiles appreciatively.

"Good work, Hisana," she says.

Shunsui grabs at the mirror Hisana offers him, and studies his reflection. "Whoa! That's amazing! My dear Hisana-chan, you shall be a great artist one day!"

Hisana grins and thanks him. Then, Shunsui drags me outside, announcing 'captains' business'.

"She will come to Eighth division, right?"

I sigh. "Second also wants her, and I'd like to see her in either Renji's or my division."

"But she would be a fantastic addition to Eighth. I've never seen Nanao smile so much!"

"That's probably because she's angry at you most of the time."

"True...Where's Renji, anyway?"

"He's...at friends."

"Lovers' quarrel? Nanao and I have them all the time. Just talk to him." I resist the urge to point out that he's not actually lovers with Nanao... Yet, anyway. She's gotta break down to him at some point.

"I will," I say softly, eyeing Hisana nervously, hoping she's remembering my instruction not to paint portraits of other people.

We head back inside, and find that Hisana's painted an open book with a stack of paperwork on its pages.

At least it wasn't a cup of sake. That would've been a hint.

TIME CHANGE - THAT NIGHT

I've just put Hisana to bed, when I walk down to the kitchen, having heard the door open and close.

In the kitchen, Renji stands at the cupboards, back to me.

"Renji?" I ask softly. He stiffens, but doesn't turn around. I continue, nevertheless. "I need to talk to you... About this morning."

**A/N: LONG! And don't kill for everything that I've done to poor Ichi and Renji. **

**Anyway...Thans to all my reviewers! The annoying doctor has left! -dances- Though, with a threat that she'll come back.**

**Has anyone seen Monochrome Factor?! AWESOME ANIME! The anime has shounen-ai themes, but the manga doesn't, which means I watch the anime! But, I LOVE IT!! **

**Anyway, I was going to cut this chapter in half, because it's just that tad bit too long, but couldn't find a good part to cut it at. -sigh-**

**AND, now there's a CLIFFHAGER!! Review for an update! And Brownies! **


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter... Talking

"What about this morning?" he asks. "I have a feeling you meant what you said, so why bother? Just going to drill it into me, are you?"

"That's not...No, that's not ... Oh. For god's sake. Renji, I didn't mean a word of what I said this morning."

"Right. So, that thing about you butt hurting wasn't true?"

"Stop being difficult, and actually listen to me properly, Renji."

"Oh no, see, my job _is_ to be difficult."

I sigh. "Renji, what I meant was that I didn't mean that I, well, see, I just," I groan, and sink to the stairs, sitting on the steps.

"What's so difficult to say that you're stumbling over it? It can't be more difficult than what I said last night."

"What did you say last night?" I ask softly, wanting to hear it from his own lips.

"I think you know, Kurosaki, because you can't've been asleep all through it."

"Repeat it?"

"No, seeing as it doesn't mean anything now. If I did say it, I'd be lying."

Oh. God. He can't've... He cannot not love me anymore. He has to love me. He has to.

I ... Oh God.

"You don't mean that," I insist softly.

"I do."

"Renji," I say his name slowly, and blunder on. "I was lying to myself and to you this morning. You mean a lot more to me than that."

Renji snorts. "Shut it, Kurosaki. It seems everyone wants to lie to me when they just want me in their bed."

"I don't just want you in my bed." I pause, and gulp. "I want you in my life. I don't want to not see you for an entire day."

"Liar."

"I'm not lying."

"Yes you are. Have you stopped to consider what I want? Maybe I don't want you in my life anymore, Kurosaki, because maybe I don't want to see you."

"Renji, please, I don't, you don't mean that ... do you?"

"Maybe I do," he snarls.

"God, Renji, why are you so upset?"

"Because I can see what you want, and you just want someone in your bed. Did you plant Hisana just to get me in your bed? That's low, Kurosaki."

"Look, I didn't ask for Hisana in my life, and that's kinda obvious from the way I've been acting -"

"Oh, I don't know, you're a pretty good actor."

"I'm not. Seriously."

"Yeah, you are. You see, I thought you might actually care for me, and you so obviously don't."

I reel back, feeling like I've been stung.

"Renji, I _do_ care."

"No you don't."

"Yes, I do, Renji, god, what's happened to make you so pissed off?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe someone I used to love revealed that they didn't love me, and in a rather heartless way."

Renji's eloquent when pissed off. I never noticed that before.

Hell, there's a lot of things I never knew about him.

"Renji, I said, I didn't mean what I said this morning."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I was ...babbling. I didn't mean it-"

"_Will you just quit saying that you didn't mean it, and tell me what you fucking meant_?" he roars at me.

I stare at him for a few minutes. Renji's finally spun around and he's glaring at me, glass held tightly. His eyes are bloodshot, and he's breathing deeply.

"What I meant to say," I say slowly, "is that I really do ...really do ... love you, and I wanted us to be closer, or...even...lovers, after last night."

I stop, staring at my hands.

"Not very eloquent, Kurosaki. I expected better."

"What?"

"I said I expected better. A hesitant speech doesn't convince me to shag you, you know."

'This isn't about you shagging me, or anything like that, Renji."

"Then what is it about?"

"Will you... Can we... I just want you with me again. I hated having to spend today without you, you know."

"I don't know about that. Seems like you had plenty of fun, taking Hisana around so she could use those face paints."

"It wasn't the same. If you'd been there, I'd have enjoyed it a whole lot more."

"I doubt it. Seems like you'd had fun."

"It wasn't the same."

He snorts. "So what? You want me to be your friend, and then I'll bet you'll end up as my boyfriend, and we end up shagging. Seems like your mind is one tracked."

"It's not. I don't just want sex, Renji. If you just stay as my friend, I'll be happy. Just...Just don't argue with me like this again."

"I don't know. I like the idea of not being your friend. It means I don't have to put up with you on a regular basis. Don't know how your friends dealt with you."

I whimper softly, his words absolutely stinging now, much worse than any fight wounds I've got.

"Renji, please, you don't mean this. Can we talk, calmly?"

"I thought that was what we were doing."

"We're not. I've never seen you so angry."

"Shows how little you know about me."

We're silent for a while; Renji slowly drinking the coffee he made for himself, while I reflect on his words.

"Oh," he adds, casually, setting the half finished cup of coffee on the table, "I'm gonna arrange for a divorce, or separation, or whatever. Basically, I'm gonna call off this marriage."

I stare at him, feeling like my heart's being stamped on by a herd of elephants and Espada and Menos Grandes, and everyone I've fought over the years. He cannot be serious. No way. No way in hell. I mean, I might not have wanted to get married, but now, I don't really care, and Renji's being so cruel, vindictive, oh god.

"No, you can't," I whimper. "What about-What about," I'm about to say 'me' but then I remember that he hates me now, so I say, "What about Hisana?"

"I'll take care of her, or you can, or we can share it, just as long as I don't have to wake up to your sorry face every day."

I swallow. "You don't have to break off the wedding if you just don't want to see me."

"I think it'd be a strange marriage otherwise. Anyway, I'll see Yama in the morning, and break it off."

He's so...Casual about it. So goddamned casual. He shouldn't be. Not if he's gonna just end this marriage, our friendship, everything we ever had together.

"No!" I yell at him, leaping to my feet, and striding across to him. "You can't just end everything like that! And there's no reason for you to be so goddamned casual about it!"

"You can't just tell me what to do, Damnit Kurosaki! If I want to do something, let me!"

"Come off it! Since when did I stop you from doing something you wanted to do?!"

"HYPOCRITE! What did you just do? You tried to stop me from ending this bloody wedding!"

"Because I don't think it's what you honestly want!"

"How can you be so sure of that, Kurosaki? It's not like you know me all that well."

My voice drops until it's soft. "Then _give_ me the chance to get to know you."

"No. You had your chance, and you blew it."

"A second chance, then?"

"No!" he yells at me. "I don't want to ever see your stupid face, again, Kurosaki!"

"You still have captains' meetings," I point out. "And what about our divisions? They train together. We can't just stop that."

He glares at me, but I stare back defiantly, though I wouldn't mind just sinking into a hole and dying.

"Screw you," he snarls. "Why are you so determined to shag me?"

"WHO SAID THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH SHAGGING YOU?!"

"Oh, I don't know, the way I see it is that you just want sex."

"Goddamnit Renji! I don't want that!"

"YEAH RIGHT! THAT'S ALL PEOPLE WANT FROM ME, AND I GUESS I WAS AN IDIOT FOR THINKING YOU WERE DIFFERENT!"

Renji chucks his cup of coffee at me. It's glass, so the glass hits me, as well as the coffee. Luckily, I suppose, the coffee's grown cold, so it doesn't burn. The glass, but, well, I dodged most of it. A pretty sharp piece still manages to hit my face, cutting my cheek deeply.

I stumble back and fall to the ground, barely hearing as Renji storms to our bedroom.

It's not even that, now. It's his. I'm not welcome, in either his room, or his life.

I just want to die.

TIME CHANGE - MIDNIGHT. PoV CHANGE - RENJI.

You lot probably hate me right now. Because, you're all fans of Ichigo, and reckon I'm a bastard for even thinking of throwing a glass cup at him.

Fuck you.

Let me get one thing straight. Normally, I don't care what people think of me. They can hate me or love me, and I couldn't care less.

But, if I ever worry about my reputation, then I hate what I've done before.

I suppose the thing is that, when I was younger, I went to a heap of parties, and drank myself into oblivion, and, well, I suppose I'm -- I was -- notorious for one night stands.

It's what I hate most about my reputation.

I promised myself, when I became a vice captain, that I'd stop it with the one night stands.

Because, well, I want sleeping with someone, well, it's supposed to mean a whole lot more than just something you do when you're pissed off your face, right?

Look, why am I even explaining this to you lot?

Okay, I'm probably trying to explain it to myself...

I know what I've done says anything but this, but I do feel kinda guilty, for, well, hurting Ichigo? I didn't quite mean to throw a glass cup at him... That's heartless, even for me.

Okay.

This doesn't make sense, even to me.

I mean.

Yes, I'm angry with Ichigo. Why? Because I trusted him. I thought, hey, this guy, whom I love, won't just have a drunken night of sex and then say it was a one night stand. I can trust him.

And in the end, I couldn't.

I suppose the obvious thing is, why is it so important to me, not to have one night stands?

I don't know, really. It's just that, I suppose, well.

Out of all the captains, I'm, well, not the youngest, but I'm probably regarded as the least mature. Most of the Shinigami under me, well, they know me, I suppose. They've fought alongside me, and...

Ninth is sort of made up of the younger Shinigami. The ones likely to party, apart from Eleventh. It's sort of, well...I suppose you could say that they're the teenagers/young adults of all the Shinigami.

And they've seen me at parties, before, when I was in Eleventh. They've seen me start those stands off, and all that.

Out of all the captains, I'm kinda regarded as the most...well, slutty. Not like Shunsui, just ...You know. Like the one you can most easily drag into bed.

And I really, really want to change that perspective.

It's not exactly the most wonderful of reputations.

So, it's not just that I hate Ichigo for breaking my heart, he also betrayed my trust at the same time. And...I suppose yelling at him, and all that won't help, but I'm just so furious, and I feel like I have to start all over again, and I'm disappointed in myself, so I'm taking it out on him.

Look. If this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry. It doesn't exactly make sense to me, either.

But, I don't care.

I'm still pissed with Ichigo, and that ain't gonna change soon.

Even if I can't exactly hate him.

Nor can I sleep.

It's cold. I tug the covers around me, but I can't sleep.

Funny that I can get to sleep much more easily if Ichigo's with me.

I'm thirsty.

Sighing, I pull myself off the bed, and head downstairs, first checking that Hisana's asleep, and she is.

After turning on the kitchen light, I get a drink, and turn around, absently looking at the house.

That's when I see Ichigo.

He's slumped against the wall next the stair case, head dropping onto his chest. His clothes are bloodstained, and I can see faint tear marks across his face.

"Baka," I mutter. "There's a spare bedroom, and you could've bandaged the cut."

It's probably gonna scar now. Great. I'm the only person who's ever managed to scar Ichigo on his face. Just ruddy brilliant.

I scowl at Ichigo a bit more, and then replace the cup, having finished my drink. As I step onto the stairs, Ichigo says my name.

I head back down, and stare at him.

"Renji," he murmurs, smiling as he tilts his face up, exposing a neck. His hand flicks up to it a moment later, as his smile widens. "Yeah, I love you too."

I stare at him.

"If this is some prank," I mutter angrily, taking a step forwards, "I swear I will-"

He snores.

I never knew Ichigo sleep-talked.

Heck, there's a lot of things I don't know about him.

Though, the thing is...

He's having a dream about me. Apparently, one where I tell him I love him. That's...Weird.

I wonder why.

I snort.

Obvious.

He just wants to shag me. He knows I'm here, he saw the lights, and decides 'Hey! I'm gonna look like I love Renji. When I don't'.

Idiot.

Not gonna work.

...

Or maybe... I just told him I hated him. Maybe his mind's trying to make up for that.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

And, to be honest, I don't _really_ want to break up with him...

I'm a risk taker.

I'm gonna talk to him in the morning. Calmly. Rationally. Sort out this entire screwed up mess.

Because I can. And I will.

Carefully, I lift up Ichigo, and carry him to the bedroom, and lay him on the bed. Then, I heal the cut, with some simple kido I (somehow) mastered. As I predicted, it scars. Then, I fall asleep next to him, absently resting my arm around his waist.

I fall asleep instantly this time.

**A/N: I. Am. Evil. But oh well. You already knew that. Did you like it? Did you not like it? Just in case you're wondering, this is Monday Night. And...Renji's being mean, Ichigo's trying to solve everything, and getting his heart broken, and I'm sitting here, grinning like a maniac. :D Okay.. Um. 105 reviews before I update... WHOA! THAT'D TAKE ME OVER 100 REVIEWS!! THANK YOU PEOPLES!!**


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Please Just Listen to Me. (Back to Ichigo's PoV)

I'm pretty certain that when you wake up after a huge argument with someone, you're not meant to wake up laying in bed, next to that someone.

Especially with you sprawled all over that someone.

Nope... I definitely didn't expect to wake up like this.

Groaning, I turn over, off Renji, and study the clock. It's five. In the morning. Great.

"Ichi?" Renji murmurs from the bed. I scowl, and ignore him.

What the hell does he think he's playing at?

"Ichi," he grumbles again. "I'm cold." He attempts to yank me down, but I pull away.

"I'm not a fricking heater," I growl.

"Don't care," murmurs Renji, voice muffled by the pillow.

"I _do_."

"You're gonna marry me?" asks Renji, cocking an eyebrow up as he studies me in the dim moonlight.

"Shut up," I snarl at him, deliberately cruel.

It's like the last couple of nights never happened. Like it was all a bad nightmare. For a second, a flicker of hope declares that it was all really a nightmare, but then I remember the pain I felt yesterday.

Both emotional _and_ physical.

"What's wrong?" asks Renji absently, sitting up as I storm out of the bed.

"Did the last day and a night never happen, or was it all a bad nightmare?"

"Oh...I was hoping we could forget about that."

I freeze, staring at him. "I'm not gonna forget, Renji. Not now, when I know just how damn heartless you can be."

All the pent up sorrow's turning into anger, I realise, when I speculate over what I've just said. Anger, because Renji can't just assume I'll happily forget everything, especially when it's caused me pain.

I never have, and never will. If it's caused me pain, then sure, I'll get over it. Eventually. It doesn't mean I'll forget it, though.

"I'm not heartless."

"Oh, no, really, you're not. You just enjoy breaking people's hearts, yelling at them, making ridiculous, screwed up assumptions and then throwing a glass cup at them."

I'm stooping to Renji's level now.

"Look," he says quietly. "I didn't mean half the shit I said last night -"

"So what did you mean, then? The bit about breaking the engagement?"

"No, I didn't. I'm still here, aren't I?"

I snort. "Well, let's gloss over the fact that you didn't want to hear what I wanted to say, which makes me wonder whether I should bother listening to you, and hear what you want to say."

He stares at me for a few seconds. "Look, can we talk about this calmly? Rationally?"

"Tell me why I should do that, when you obviously didn't want to do precisely that last night?"

He stares at me, before licking his lips. "Ichi, please. Give me a second chance, please?"

I snort, and storm into the bathroom, giving Renji a definite answer. 'No'.

I can feel his disappointment from here. Screw him.

Very thankful for the door to the bathroom, I head into the showers, and allow the warm water to pour over me, reflecting that I am just as bad as Renji. And it feels good. Even though I'm being as heartless as Aizen, as cruel as that bastard, but I don't care. Really. I just want... What do I want? Revenge? I'd lose Renji's friendship forever, definitely, which might mean that I'd also lose the friendship of others, but...Do I want some relationship with him? Like... As a lover? Yes. But ... Yesterday was just so painful...

And, then, somehow, I find myself in a forest.

Okay, it's more of a tropical rainforest, but that's beyond the point.

How did I get from a normal, if somewhat luxurious, bathroom to a fricking rainforest?! At least I'm wearing clothes... my Shinigami stuff to be exact... But _still_.

...

We are talking Shinigami/Soul Society/Gotei 13 here, so it's probably not entirely unreasonable, but still! If Urahara is doing some sort of nutcase experiment, I swear to Kami-sama, that man will know the meaning of pain when I'm through with him.

Extreme pain.

"Kurosaki Ichigo," growls a deep voice behind me. I turn slowly, and come face to face with an ape.

Zabimaru?

"Um, Zabimaru?" I ask quietly, backing away slowly, eyeing him.

It then clicks.

Okay, no, I'm not slow! Damn you all for thinking that.

"I'm in Renji's inner world, aren't I?"

"Congratulations Einstein. And if you're wondering, Renji's in yours."

My face pales.

"Why? Better**, _how_?"**

He sighs. "When two people love each other, even if they haven't admitted that to each other, they can usually enter the other's inner world, and in some cases, their Zanpakuto's can talk to each other." He smirks. "I can talk to Zangetsu and Shirosaki. Have to say, they're ... interesting."

My face pales further. Dear lord. Zangetsu and Shiro talking to other people ... THE WORLD SHALL BLOW UP!

"So, erm, what am I doing here?" I ask weakly after a few seconds of me imagining the world blowing up spectacularly.

Zabimaru studies me for a few seconds, and then says, "Follow me."

I follow. He leads me to a cave.

"Often, when people like others, they build a building of some sort in their mind, dedicated to that person. The size of the building can tell you how much they like them. For example, in Renji's case, a small cave means respect, but not friendship, while a huge, massive cave means love."

He takes me inside.

Huge. Massive. Gigantic. Ginormous. Cave.

Dedicated to me.

How can I tell? Well, the pictures/video/more pictures/statues of me kinda gives it away.

"Whoa," I mutter.

"I'll leave you to explore it, then. By the way, Renji will come over once he's finished exploring the skyscraper you have in honour of him."

"WHAT?" I exclaim. Then I pause. "Skyscraper?!"

"Yes. Skyscraper."

I swallow. "Um. Okay."

What else can I say? I mean... It's not every day you realise the guy you love has a shrine dedicated to you (in their mind) and that you have one to them.

Then, I decide to explore this cave.

Well, firstly... It's like a massive, never-ending cavern. The walls are filled with pictures, and in the middle of the space, there's statues, and floating (WTF?) pictures, and shelves, and sometimes, there's TVs, with videos going.

I wander over and study some of the pictures. Naturally, they're all of me, in various poses and places. There's a couple of me blushing, one or two of me smiling (these are in heavily gold/really expensive looking frames), but many are of me glaring at some unknown enemy/raising my Zanpakuto threateningly/firing ceros/basically fighting.

Well, that has been basically all I've been doing for the past couple of years. No wonder he knows me best like that.

That is quite sad for a seventeen year old.

I then examine the statues, which are basically of me, some in imagined poses (I don't think Renji's ever seen me laying on a couch, hands handcuffed above my head, face contorted into an expression of pleasure), and some in realistic, actual poses.

There's some of me in stunning, brave poses, like those typical hero ones. These are scattered around, and I think they come from either saving Rukia or Orihime.

Most are like those, actually, though there are worryingly accurate ones of me with my shirt half undone (Read: naked chest). Heck. There's even ones of me naked. Nude. With no clothes on. I'm not even going to ask how he came up with them.

Yeah. Scary.

Moving on.

I walk through the art to the other side, where the videos are being played.

Instantly, I can tell that they're not all memories.

There's a few dreams as well.

Let me say this much, a few, no, a lot would have resulted in wet dreams.

And what makes Renji think he'd top?!

Bastard.

Like the use of the obi slash as a blindfold.

And the closets.

So, apart from these ... kinky ... hot ... dreams, there's also memories of me, ranging from our first hate-filled meetings, to him defending me during the War, and when he decided to bank out at my place on a regular posting, and basically anything to do with me, like when I was made Taichou.

...

Right. So. Basically, Renji has a _Shrine_ dedicated to lil' old me... My ego's gonna blow up like nothing you have ever seen... Which basically translates to he loves me...And I love him, so ... We might as well get together...After I get an explanation for why he blew up. Argh! What can I say, having him hating me was painful... And I don't want to lose him forever... Knowing that he actually loves me ... Well... It's not like I can exist for the rest of my life knowing that he loves me, but not be his lover, and it'd be painful watching him hook up with someone, and I am prepared to forgive him for what he did yesterday, as long as I know why, and I can get that out of him, so ...

Suddenly, a pair of arms wrap around my waist, and tug me into a warm body.

"I'm so sorry," says a voice I know. "I was such an _ass_ last night."

"Renji," I mutter, turning around.

He smiles weakly, and I study his face, noticing his relatively miserable appearance.

Well, it looks like my decision has been made for me.

Then, surprising him, and me, I quite literally glomp him.

He staggers backwards, taking the full brunt of my weight, as he tightens his grip on me.

"I think I was the worse ass," I mutter. "Especially this morning."

"You wouldn't have been if I'd been at least nice last night."

"Which wouldn't have happened if I'd been awake the night before that."

"And that wouldn't have happened if I'd shown at least a degree of control before that."

I raise my head from his shoulder. "You didn't want to have sex with me? I'm _injured_, Renji."

"Oh shut up," he grumbles. Then, carrying me bridal style (not easy, given that I yell at him a bit, and struggle before deciding to enjoy being carried, because I can nuzzle into his chest), Renji takes me out of the cave, and into a rather beautiful clearing.

It's ....Wild, which makes it nice. And the grass is soft, and cushiony, so it's like a bed. And there's trees all around, with wild, wild undergrowth, but it still manages to look pretty damn awesome.

"One of my favourite places," Renji remarks, setting me down.

"Because it's so close to the Shrine to Kurosaki Ichigo?" I ask.

"No..." I put on an injured expression. "Shut up, Ichi, and you can't say much. That place you like, the park thingy, is close to _your _Shrine to Abarai Renji. Hang on... That's a Shrine to _ME_."

I groan.

"So, um, how was Shirosaki?" I ask.

"He enjoys bitching about you."

"No surprises there," I mutter.

He grins, and, laying next to me, pulls me onto him. I happily oblige, snuggling into him.

"This feels like a corny love scene out of some random romance book," he mutters. I chuckle.

"So, where are we?"

"In my Inner World?"

"I meant our relationship, idiot," I grumble.

"Oh, right, do we have to talk about that? We're guys. We _don't_ discuss relationships."

I snort, agreeing. "Right. So. You aren't calling the wedding off?" I ask, suddenly worried.

"Course not."

"Good." I pause, and then, pull myself up, and study him. Then, with a sly smile, I lean down, and snog him. Senseless.

It's not that long until Renji replies, and soon, we're battling for domination. Hot. Heavy.

And there's no way I'm describing this to you lot. God knows what you'd make of it.

At last, panting for air, we break apart, and I lean back down, resting my head against his shoulder, one hand gripping that particular shoulder, the other resting on his chest.

"Hmn, so we're officially lovers?" he asks.

"I thought you said that we don't discuss relationships," I remark, grinning. He rolls his eyes. "And, yeah."

We're silent for a few minutes, before Renji speaks again.

"I suppose you wanna know why I blew up yesterday?" I nod. He falls silent for a few minutes. "Right, um...I suppose... Well...I'm kinda regarded as the most ... I dunno, slutty? Of all the captains, so...I thought, this is no good, I'm not, you know, sleeping around again, so I just vowed to myself that the next person I slept with would be my lover, or, well, you know, you get the idea."

I clamp my hand over his mouth, and tell him quietly, "I get the idea."

He smiles, and then licks my hand.

I scowl, and, removing my hand, glare at him.

He smiles again. And then, he frowns.

"How long have we been here?" he asks.

"Dunno."

"We should probably get back. Hisana... And, we have to go to Third, right?"

"Chojiro said we don't have to. Takes too long. She still has to meet the divisions, but we don't have to do full day tours and whatnot."

"Good," he mutters, sinking to the ground.

Rolling my eyes, I stand up, instantly missing his warmth. "Renji, imagine Hisana walking into the bedroom, and seeing our slumped over bodies."

He swears, and, accepting my hand up, stands.

Together, we head back into the real world.

"MUMMY! DADDY! YOU'RE DEAD - No. Oh good. You're not."

Oh. Bloody. Great.

I stand, turn the shower off, and, inspecting my officially wrinkled skin, dress and head back into the bedroom, where Hisana is jumping up and down on our bed, annoying a grumpy Renji.

"HISANA! STOP JUMPING UP AND DOWN! FOR GOD'S SAKE, ICHIGO, **_STOP_** HER!"

"MUMMY!" she yells, rushing to me, and, leaping onto me, hugging me tightly. "I thought you and Daddy were dead!"

"We weren't, Hisa," I say, and then pause. "Hisa?" I ask no one in particular.

"The sign of a dedicated parent, you make up nick names," Renji remarks drily.

I scowl at him, and, sitting down next to him on the bed, perch Hisana on my lap.

"Okay, Hisana, we weren't dead."

"Weally? You looked like it..."

"No Hisana. We were in our inner worlds."

"Inner what?"

"Inner Worlds, Hisana. When you get learn the name of your Zanpakuto, you go into your inner world, which is your mind."

"Oh," murmurs Hisana in realization.

I nod, and take her out of the room, to the kitchen for breakfast.

"Can I have pancakes?" she asks.

"No."

"WHY MUMMY?"

"Because the last time you had pancakes, we had a huge mess."

"A huge mess?" asks Renji, appearing behind me. I turn, and scowl at him.

"Yes... Check the bins outside if you don't believe me."

He goes outside, and checks the bins... Bastard. Hmph. Doesn't believe me. Grr.

He comes back in, looking pale.

"How did you use two garbage bags, all stretched to the limit?!"

"Um, four kilos of flour -"

"Look, I don't want to know," interrupts Renji.

"Why'd you ask, then?"

He glares at me.

"BUT I WANNA HAVE PANC-_AKES_!" Hisana screams at us, startling us both. We spin around, to find Hisana leaping up onto the table.

"Hisana, get off the table," I demand, using my best I-am-a-parent-listen-to-me-or-_die_ voice.

As I have not used it much, it doesn't quite work.

"I like that voice," Renji mutters into my ear. "Use it more often. Just for me, though."

I scowl at him. "Now is not the time to making innuendo," I mutter back.

Hisana starts to jump up and down.

"I want pancakes! I wanna pancakes! I WANT PANCAKES!" she wails.

I sigh. "Hisana. Why. Do. You. Want. PANCAKES? What about cereal!?"

"BUT PANCAKES ARE YUMMY!"

"We have a captains' meeting," Renji interrupts.

"I WANT PANCAKES!"

I sigh. Again. Today's already been stressful...Why this?

What have I done against you, Kami-sama!?

"Okay, Renji, take Hisana and change her clothes. I'll make pancakes."

"YAY MUMMY!" she yells, leaping onto me and hugging me.

I sigh.

"Yes, yes, just go change."

"Make sure you don't get messy, or I'll have to clean you... In which case, get messy," Renji tells me.

Great. Innuendo-spouting Renji, tantrum-throwing Hisana, yippee.

Scowling at Renji, I turn to make the pancakes.

One batch of pancakes later, I am happy to report that I am not messy.

Is that a bad thing?

I'm not sure.

But anyway.

"PANCAKES!" screams Hisana, leaping onto the table, and diving for the pancakes.

"NO! I JUST CHANGED YOUR CLOTHES, DON'T YOU DARE GET MESSY!" yells Renji, diving for her. Luckily, he rescues her before the clothes get messy.

"BUT I WANT THE PANCAKES!"

Renji growls, and storms to the drawers. Having withdrawn a garbage bag, he pokes three holes in it, and slips the entire thing over Hisana.

"There!" he declares.

"But this looks stu-_pid_!"

"Doesn't matter."

"I'm not wearing it."

"No wearing it, no eating pancakes."

Hisana screams.

"NO!" she yells, drawing out the monosyllabic word into about twenty.

I snarl. "Hisana. You are wearing that and eating, or no pancakes at all." I thank the gods that she's wearing a sleeveless shirt.

She snarls back, but nods grumpily, and falls on the pancakes with relish.

"Great. Tantrums."

Smiling weakly at Renji's grumpy face, I take my own plate of pancakes and eat them slowly, watching Hisana for messes.

Thankfully, there's none.

After a tense thirty minutes, ended with Hisana's delighted yelling when we took the make shift fully body bib off her, we head to the captains' meeting room.

Guess who's there?

The Espada.

With two kids.

Oh, and the other captains. And vice captains. And Urahara.

But the Espada are the most important. And the kids.

**A/N: YES! THEY'RE TOGETHER! FINALLY! Yeah. Um... Sorry for the late update. Don't worry... I didn't forget about you... The threats for me to update (coming from my own SISTER! And a friend) didn't let me. So.. um. Chapter dedicated to you two. (As much as it pains me to dedicate this chapter to you, sis, I am. Be Pleased. :P). **

**And. **

**THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO REVIEWED! YOU GOT ME OVER 100 REVIEWS!! WOOOOOT!! THIS CHAPTER IS ALSO DEDICATED TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU WHO REVIEWED!! I LOOOOVE YOU GUYS! **

**And Sis, I don't think you've reviewed. Grrr. DIE! **

**To those who didn't review: PLEASE REVIEW! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME TO OPEN MY INBOX AND SEE A PILE OF EMAILS WITH ALL THE REVIEWS! Seriously. I have this huge grin plastered over my face after reading them. I. Love. Reviews. Even if they're from my sister. **

**You can tell I've been spending too much time with my sis, ne? Horrible times. **

**So...Yes. Now I have to go over Espada Guide to Parenting. Not that it's a chore. :D I am borrowing Hel, and Stark's kid (whose name I've forgotten :P) They belong to Marr. Not me. **

**YAY!! ESPADA!!**

**:D Can't wait to work with insane Aizen. "'Yama-kun!' 'Aizen-chan!'" Holy Lord. **

**I have a plot bunny for another crack IchiRen fanfic running around my head. I blame HPDM (Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy) fanfiction. Grr. **

**Do not fear. I am concentrating on this fanfic.**

**SO...**

**REVIEW! Or my hand will come through your computer/whatever you're reading this on screen and force you to review. :D**


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Meet the Espada

"Who are you?" asks Hisana, peering at them. I lay a hand on her shoulder, preventing her from approaching them, as I glare at the Espada suspiciously

"What are you doing here?" demands Renji.

"We're hardly going to invade," drawls Ulquiorra, "Especially given that you outnumber us hugely."

"It's never stopped you before."

"Look, we got two kids with us. Why would we attack, then?"

"Kids being around have never stopped you before."

"They're our kids."

"WHAT!?"

"Yeah! Grimmy and Ulquiy have Helios, or Hel, and Syazel and Stark have," Grimmjow glowers at this, "Vanya. "

"AIZEN!?" exclaims every Shinigami, staring at the (clearly mad) traitor. He grins back at us.

"HI EVERYONE!" he exclaims. "GOOD TO SEE YA'LL AGAIN! HOW'RE YA'LL DOIN'?"

"He's trying out an American drawl," explains Gin, appearing behind him. "I think it's because of the Western shoot 'em ups he's been watching."

We can only nod weakly, before I turn to Grimmjow and Ulquiorra.

"So you have kids as well," I say. "Same here."

"Though it's just with Ichi-berry and me," adds Renji. I snarl.

"I said. Not. To. Call. Me. That," I glare at him.

"Oh, you two argue like an old married couple!" exclaims Aizen, bouncing over to us and pinching us both. I scowl at him.

"Piss off Aizen." I have not forgotten how our fight. I hate Aizen.

Aizen's face contorts into a puppy dog face, which, when I look at Hinamori, I recognize as being quite a lot like hers. It makes me wonder... Did she teach him, or did he teach her the puppy dog face? That, ladies and gentlemen, is the question.

Ignore my little Shakespeare jibe.

Moving on.

Aizen whimpers pathetically, looking up at me, pouting. I scowl at him, and am greatly relieved, and disturbed, when Yama bounces over to Aizen, and hugs him.

Considering they were declaring war on each other not that long ago, yeah... You get why I'm seriously disturbed.

"AIZEN-KUN!"

"YAMA-CHAN!"

"Holy fuck."

Glancing over to Grimmjow, I smirk, and, capturing his eye, gesture over to Hel.

"So where did you get the boy?"

"His name's Helios," Grimmjow drawls, "Shortened for Hel."

Smirking, I reply, "Is that what's he's like?"

"Yeah, the spawn of the devil, he is. Yours?"

"Kurosaki Hisana Masaki. Hisana, because of idiotic promises made long ago to the other spawn of the devil, Rukia," I glare at Renji, and then at Rukia, who hits me after hearing my comment, "And Masaki, because Isshin wouldn't shut up otherwise."

"So basically, like the kind weakling you are, you bowed down to other people. At least I didn't."

"I'm guessing Ulquiorra insisted on Helios, so technically, you bowed down to him."

"... Shut up Kurosaki."

I smirk.

"So who're you?" asks Hel, looking at Hisana.

"Kurosaki Hisana Masaki! Or Hisana," she adds, after seeing his confused face.

"Right! I'm Helios! Hang on," he adds, after pausing, "How come you get three names, and I only get one!?"

"Dunno."

"MUMMY!" wails Hel, clutching Grimmjow's leg. "I wanna have three names!"

"Ask Ulqui."

"BUT...Where's DADDY!?"

"So, you're the Mummy," I ask Grimmjow, sniggering.

"Shut up... Last I heard, you are too."

I pause, and glare at him. "Shut up Grimm....Neko."

"I HATE THAT FUCKING NAME, _ICHI-BERRY_, DIE IN HELL!"

"I can't die in Hel."

"You know what I mean."

I snigger. Again.

"Who wants to kill my Ichi-berry?"

Growling, I turn to Renji. "DO. NOT. CALL. ME. THAT."

He asks me, smirking, "What are you going to do, then?"

Pausing, I reflect on my options. I can: a) snog him senseless. B) Fight him. C) Ignore him ... Hmn ... Problems with each one ... A) ONLOOKERS! _Perverted_ onlookers. B) Bit too ... over-the-top? 'Specially seeing he's my lover, now ... C) my dignity, my pride.

I kiss him.

Yep, there's the cameras. Damn whoever introduced the cameras to Soul Society.

I break the kiss off, grinning as Renji staggers slightly, looking distinctly dazed.

Still smirking, I turn to Grimmjow, who looks stunned, with Ulquiorra behind him (one arm noticeably draped around Grimmjow's waist) who looks as bored as ever, but I think he's surprised.

"Well, that's... a creative punishment," Ulqui declares. I shrug.

"Why were you trying to eat his face?" asks Hel. I stare at him. Hisana looks surprised, but she nods in agreement to Hel's question.

Holy.... God.

"Um, er, well, that's called ... Um, kissing," Ulqui stammers, sounding weak as he says 'kissing'. Renji, who has just managed to recover, and is now hugging me from behind, stares at Ulqui, before bending down.

"Did I miss somethin'?" he asks, breath tickling my ear.

"Yeah, Hel wanted to know why I was, and I quote, 'trying to eat your face'."

"That's one way of puttin' it," he mutters. I smirk, but turn my attention to the scene in front of me, where Hisana's just asked a rather...interesting question.

"What's kissing?"

AND SHE LOOKS SO GODDAMNED INNOCENT WHILST ASKING A NOT-VERY-INNOCENT QUESTION! HOW?!

If only I had that ability ... Oh the possibilities.

Anyway.

"Um. Er. Well. Ya'see... Um..." I stammer pathetically, staring at Hisana who's patiently waiting for an answer.

Then, like a four/five year old, she blows.

"I JUST WANNA KNOW!" she wails. "Is it that difficult to reply!?"

We all stare at her for a few minutes, before Grimmjow frowns.

"Hey, Ichi," he says, turning to me, "Does she have a fondness for pancakes?"

"Yeah, why?" I ask, before poking Renji's hand, as his arm has painfully tightened around me. He stares at me, before grinning apologetically, and loosening his hold, so I can actually breathe properly.

"Well, see, she talks like Urahara, and she has a penchant for pancakes, like Urahara, and she seems to be like Urahara in every way except for gender, age, clothing, and minus that damned fan."

"Who's Urahara?" asks Hisana, as I turn to glare at the aforementioned shopkeeper.

"Him," I reply, pointing to Urahara, who's hiding behind his fan again.

She turns. She looks. She yells. "SANDAL-HAT-MAN!" And she glomps him.

"Wait," I say, after a few minutes where everyone just stared at Hisana (closely followed by Hel, and Stark's kid) glomping Urahara. "How do you three know him?"

"He took care of us!"

"And then lost us in some city, and in Soul Society, and somewhere else!"

"Yeah!"

We're all silent for a few minutes, before Grimm, Ulqui, Renji and I turn to Urahara, Zanpakuto's at his throat.

"Explain," I snarl.

"See! I was doing this experiment, and the kids were a side effect!"

"Explain."

He sighs, and hides behind his fan. "I wanted to experiment with taking two people's reiatsu's and implanting them in a child, effectively making the kid the child of the two people's. Obviously, my first attempt was with the reiatsu's of Grimmjow and Ulquiorra, and then with Syazel and Stark, closely followed by Renji and Ichigo. Oh, and right now, I've started another child with the reiatsu's of Grimmjow, and Ichigo's."

Everyone, and I mean, everyone, is silent for a few minutes after that shock announcement. Then...

Mayuri: "YOU IDIOT! YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME YOU WERE CARRYING OUT SUCH AN INTERESTING EXPERIMENT!"

Grimm: "YOU BASTARD!"

At this point, Renji, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra and I rush forwards and start attacking him, punching, kicking, biting, all sorts of martial arts, not using our Zanpakutou's. We all attack as one, like a group of bullies attacking the one victim.

It's so much more satisfying attacking someone like that.

Just punching them...It's so satisfying.

"ARGH! GERROF ME! NO! NOT THE _FACE_!" yells Urahara. Eventually, we withdraw... Urahara's out cold.

"I accept you may have been furious, but still, boys," tutts Unohana, as she directed two of her officers to carry the body of Urahara (which was going to bruise pretty badly... It was gonna be painful for him) to the Fourth Division Hospitals. "I'll tell you when he's healthy, if you wish to continue."

"Good," snarls Ulqui, surprising us all, "I'm not done with the bastard yet."

"Ahh," groans Urahara, waking up. "C'mon, guys, I got you together."

"It's more the fact you didn't tell us," I inform him, just before delivering a very satisfying roundhouse kick, which knocks him out again.

We watch as he slumps back into his bed.

"That was over the top," remarks Syazel, watching Urahara get carted back to Fourth.

Grimmjow snarls at them. "Did you have anything to do with this?"

"Ah. Well. Um. You see...Well," stammers Stark after a few minutes of pausing, where he blushes, frowns, and generally acts very 'Um-I-shouldn't-say-this-because-you'll-kill-me-but-um-I'm-not-completely-innocent-of-the-crimes-you-accuse-me-of'.

"Explain," I snarl, Zangetsu at their throats.

"Don't hurt them, please. They're my parents," says a young boy, about half a head taller than Hel, and just a little bit taller than Hisana. He's got black hair...And...Pink eyes?

"Who're you?"

"Vanya."

"Vanya?"

"Well, my full name's Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov."

"I don't care. Stark and Syazel are your parents? And that Syazel named you."

"Yes, sir."

"See," I say, turning to everyone, "That is how you treat me."

"Dream on, Berry," drawls Grimmjow. Meanwhile,

"Abarai, good to see you again," said Syazel, smiling creepily at Renji, who gulps, and backs away.

"Ah, Syazel, how is your research into replacing body parts going?" asks Mayuri. Syazel stares at him, gulps and backs away.

"Anyway," I interrupt, "How. Did. You. Help. Urahara?"

"I didn't!" Stark exclaims.

I fix him with my best glare. He withers.

"Fine, I helped him collect the reiatsu."

"How did you get Renji's, or mine?"

"You two used so much damned reiatsu in the War that it was all over the place."

We're all silent for a while...Then:

"YOU BASTARD!" screams Grimmjow.

"Die," Ulquiorra.

Syazel, "Hmn...Do you know what techniques Urahara-- used?"

Renji, "DIE YOU FRICKING BASTARD!"

(At which point, Grimmjow says, "Abarai, only I'm allowed to curse that fricking much. Not you, you bastard." Then, Renji: "I'm allowed to swear as much as I want, but let's just concentrate on killing Stark.")

Me: "Why?"

Everyone's silent for a few minutes, staring at me.

Then, Stark asks, "What do ya mean?"

"Why'd you help Urahara out?"

Stark grins. "'Cause he had caffeine. Extra strong caffeine."

I scowl. My reiatsu piles around him. "DIE, YOU SORRY FRICKING BLOODY BASTARD."

Stark pales, and starts to sonido away.

"DON'T HURT MUMMY!" screams Vanya, yanking on my clothes. I scowl, push him away gently, and rush after Stark.

I chase Stark through the streets, yelling death threats as I go. Behind me, Renji, Grimm and Ulqui follow happily, all three using shunpo to catch up to me, and then keep up with me.

Eventually, we corner him, quite appropriately, at the top of the execution hill, whose name I've forgotten.

And I just realized that I called Grimmjow 'Grimm' and Ulquiorra 'Ulqui'. No. They're not my friends. Never have been, never will be. It's just so damn hard to write their full names out. I mean, c'mon. They're so damn long.

Movin' on.

"Prepare to die a painful, bloody, painful, torturous, painful death," I snarl. Then I pause, and add, "Did I mention painful?"

"Yes, you baka," snarls Grimm. He scowls at me, before turning to Stark. "Surprised you laste' so lon'. Thought you'd've died of exhaustion long ago."

"I'm unfit, yes. I'm not _that_ unfit."

"Who cares, just, let's kill him, already."

I nod, and about to swing my Zanpakuto at the damned bastard, when who should appear but the kids.

"NO DADDY, MUMMY! DON'T KILL SLEEPY!"

"Sleepy?" exclaims Stark. "Who calls me 'Sleepy'?"

"How'd you figure out that it was you who she was referring to as 'Sleepy' and not someone else?" asks Ulqui.

Stark scowls.

"And why shouldn't we?" asks Renji.

"Because Vanya-kun would be sad, and Sciency Guy would be sad, and do we want that?"

"Yep," snarls Grimm.

"What'd you got against Vanya, anyway?" asks Renji. Grimm's upper lip curls back.

"He flirted with Helios."

"'Helios', now?" asks Ulqui, raising an eyebrow. Grimm scowls and glares at Ulqui.

"Shuddup."

I roll my eyes, and, stepping between them, address Hisana. "Dear, you can't always get what you want. We want to... ah... punish Sleepy-Stark for somethin' he's done, and you can't get in our way."

At this point, Vanya and Hel step forward, forming a line with Hisana. They all turn the Puppy-Dog-Face-Of-Doom on.

Why? Why do the kids of Shinigami, or Espada always get the ability to do Puppy-Dog-Faces-Of-Doom?! Why not us? The parents?!

IT'S SO UNFAIR!

Allow me a moment of self pity.

...

...

...

Self pitying moment done.

Glancing back at the other three, who all look defeated, 'cept for Ulqui, who just looks annoyed, if you can call looking plain and blank annoyed, I sigh, and turn back to the three spawns of the devil.

Or the God of Puppy-Dog-Faces-of-Doom.

"Fine," I grumble. The three kids cheer, and hug Stark, who's cheering, 'cept he just looks tired.

...

Wait.

My daughter, child of two Shinigami, is hugging Stark, Espada?

NO WAY IN FREAKING HELL!

"Get of her!" Renji snaps, tugging Hisana away, glaring at Stark. I take Hisana, and check her over.

No damage, at least, no physical damage. Could be extensive emotional trauma.

"Let me go!" she grumbles. I scowl.

"No. Espada are dangerous creatures."

"OI! We're right here, ya know!" yells Grimmjow, who, with Ulqui, has gotten hold of Hel, and are checking him over.

"Yeah, Espada sure aren't dangerous. That's why you're checking your own son over."

Grimm just scowls at us.

"Gotcha!" I say, taking very childish pleasure in that.

Yeah. Sometimes my friends ponder over my maturity too.... I am too mature. I am.

Okay. Yeah. That probably might not persuade you that I am mature (which I am) but ... Um... Yeah. The stuff going around me right now is probably more interesting, ne? Yeah. Let's go back to that.

In the meantime that I've been telling you about how mature I am (and I am very mature), however, we have returned to the centre of action - the meeting hall. Aizen, Gin, Tousen and Yama are conversing like they're old buddies, while everyone else are either glaring at each other (ie. The Espada are cowering under the stares of the Shinigami, yeah, nah) or staring at the afore mentioned four leaders like they're a bunch of loonies... Which they are.

"Guys!" exclaims Aizen, seeing us. The four of us (ie. Grimm, Ulqui, The Pineapple and me) stare at him and take a step back (or two) whilst the kids and Stark ignore Aizen, and continue chatting.

"You're back!" yells Yama, happiness pouring from him yuckily. Now, the kids and Stark shut up. We all take a step back.

"We missed you!" they say together... And then laugh and high five. "We did it!"

"Holy..." At this point, Grimm lets forth a huge mound of swearing. Ulqui and me hit him, glaring.

"No swearing in front of the kids!" I snap.

Grim coughs, sounding (suspiciously) like 'hypocrite'.

"We're gonna tell you bout the education plannin' now!" says Gin. He looks happy.

Yeah.

Gin.

Looks.

Happy.

Run for your lives, children. Gin 'the pedophile' Ichimaru looks happy.

Where's my bomb shelter?

**A/N: Hello peeps! I'm sorry I didn't put in the AN when I updated, I'd put the document up on my computer, and then I was using my iPod touch, and it wouldn't let me type anything -sniff-, so I couldn't put in the AN... Yeah. **

**And I'm so sorry for how long this has taken, and to give my thanks to every single person who's ever reviewed! I LOVE YOU GUYS! **

**Hmn, dedicated to Emiri-chan, who assaulted me (literally) after I posted the last chap up. Shook me, demanding the next chapter because of the cliffie. :P Plus, I promised the dedication to avoid Emiri's mind breaking down when we were deciding between Yukan Club and Zombie Loan**

**Why this is late: Exhibit A: LIFE! I HATE YOU! Exhibit B: PLOT BUNNIES! -Glare- Exhibit C: VAMPIRE NIGHT! SO FREAKING AWESOME!**

Disclaimer: Vanya and Hel are Marr's, from Espada Guide to Parenting. Idea from EGTP. Characters, except for Vanya, Hel and Hisana Masaki, are from Bleach, ie. belong to Tite Kubo. :P I hate how little of this I actually own. -sniff-


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Education…Problems.

"Sorry?" asks Renji. "Did ya say… education?"

"Yeah!" cheers Yama. "See, we decided that… All the kids should be taught together!" he draws the last word into a dozen or so syllables. "Just so we can encourage Espada/Shinigami relationships!"

"Does this mean that I get to see Hel-kun and Vanya-kun more often?" asks Hisana, tugging on my robes. I look at her.

"Yeah, sadly."

"YAY!" she cheers. Hel, Vanya and her all hug.

Oh god. The cheesiness. Plus, hello?! My child is hugging the children of ESPADA! Does that mean nothing!? They're supposed to HATE EACH OTHER!

What has the world come to?

Insert dramatic sniff.

"This is wonderful!" cheers Vanya, wrapping an arm around poor Hisana, and smiling a charming, disgusting smile. She blushes as he says, "I can see you more often, Hisana-san. What a wonderful opportunity."

"Yeah," she mumbles.

He beams, and whipping her hand up, kisses it.

Okay. A major mystery of life has been unveiled. The mystery of what I feel about Vanya.

I.

Hate.

The.

Damned.

Bastard.

Course, everyone else is sniffing in delight at the 'puppy love' scene. Renji is scowling, and Grimm and Ulqui just glare and roll their eyes.

"He did that to Hel, as well," explains Ulqui, looking at me. I frown.

"Cheesy, flirty, two-timing bastard," mutters Renji.

I pat his head. "Deep breaths, Renji. I'll kill him, you don't have to."

"Oi!" he snaps. "I'm gonna kill him, not you!"

"No! Me!"

"Nah! ME!"

"Me!"

"What are you arguing about?" asks Syazel.

"Who'll kill Vanya," Renji replies, ignoring me, seeing as I'm furiously shaking my head.

Syazel's eyes narrow. "You want to kill Vanya, my son?"

"Yeah," replies Renji, before he realises what's he just said. "I mean, no!"

Not again...Really. This is getting _old_.

"DIE!" yells Syazel, raising his zanpuktou and swinging it at Renji, who shunpos away. I follow.

"Oh dear," says Aizen, off handedly. "Syazel-kun wants to kill Renj-kun."

"Hmn, it appears so. Let's see how this fight turns out, ne?" replies Yama.

"Yes, why don't we?"

Evil bastards.

Some one should protect my dear Renji…

Okay. Did not just say that.

I sigh. I pull them apart.

"Leave the fight 'till later, guys."

"NO!" yells Syazel. "The bastard can die now!"

"I'm not gonna be the one who dies, it'll be you, you sick bastard!"

"You're the one who wants to kill my poor, innocent, lovely boy!"

"Hey! Your son is a cheesy, two-timing, flirty bastard!"

"He's none of that!"

"He is so!"

"As if! He flirted with Hel AND Hisana!" I interject.

"Hel…Hisana… Ooh," says Yama, eyes glazing over. Then, he brightens. "THEY'D LOOK SO CUTE TOGETHER!"

Everyone stares at him.

"What…The…Hell?" asks Grimm.

"I think," I say slowly, "That Yama is saying that Hel, and Hisana should…Get together," I bite out the last bit, groaning slightly, "As in…Date."

There's more silence.

"Die BASTARD!" Renji, Grimm, Ulqui and I scream, rushing towards our seriously mental Commander.

"ARGH!" he yells, shunpoing away.

Firing ceros, and any other long range attacks we have, the four of us, united in one aim, to kill our screwed up Commander, hunt down Yama, finally cornering him in some random point in the centre.

"No! Don't kill me! I'm too … Important to die!"

"That's debatable," I mutter.

"Oi! Just for that. ..I'm gonna…Burn you alive! Oh! THE HUMANITY!"

"Idiot. It's four against one."

"Really?" grins Yama. The facial expression shall scar me forever.

Immediately, Aizen and Gin appear next to him.

"Muahwahaha! It's three of the most powerful people in the world against four lesser beings! WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD!" cackles Aizen.

"TOGETHER!" says Yama. They all start laughing…Well…Gin just grins in that freaky way of his, while the other two laugh their heads off.

"YAY! AIZEN-KUN! You're so awesome!"

"I know, Yama-chan! You're just even more awesome!"

"Oh no, you're too kind," mumbles Yama, blushing, and looking away, twisting his hands together.

"Oh, so cute!" laughs Aizen, pinching Yama's cheeks.

"Oh…My…God," whispers Grimm. "Are they bloody flirting!?"

"I think so," I whimper, latching onto Renji's sleeve, and hiding behind it. "Scarred for like. Horrible…Horrible…Horrible mental images! WAH!"

Renji hugs me tightly, looking pale. Grimm's buried his face into Ulqui's chest, and, for once, the emo Espada isn't looking bothered… Actually, he looks pale.

Well… Paler than normal.

"Okay," says Renji, trying to sound authoritative, but the horrified tone in his voice destroys that. "Let's just retreat slowly, and hope they don't notice."

Nodding, we follow his example, slowly edging away from the horrifying sight in front of us.

"You two are both so cute!" declares Gin suddenly. I feel a rapid hatred for the fricking ex captain, because he now has both of them pinching his face, and laughing, and looking every bit the flirty threesome.

Oh.

God.

BAD MENTAL IMAGES! _BAD_ MENTAL IMAGES!

**Renji**: Yep, it's me again…Ichigo's just convulsed and collapsed (read: _fainted_) when the three … Yeah. Um. Grimm collapsed (yep, _fainted_) as well … Ulqui and I vomited.

We're assuming that Ichigo just hasn't dealt with Shinigami long enough to pretty much build up immunity against that sort of thing (okay, yeah, I am scarred for life, but not as badly as him, I reckon) and Ulqui's just so unemotional, it's probably not too bad for him either.

**Ichigo**:

I COLLAPSED! Not fainted like a fricking girl!

Bloody Pineapple.

Okay, yeah, so we got away (thank god for sonido/shunpo) and then… I _**COLLAPSED**_! (_Not_ fainted)…

And now I've just woken up. And I did not scream at the sight of Renji hovering over me. I yelled, and stumbled back. It was a _manly_ shout… _**not **_a high pitched girly scream.

**Renji**: Dream on, my little strawberry.

**Me**:

Right. The Pineapple dies now!

When I've recovered from the sight of Aizen/Gin/Yama flirting.

Okay… I'll never recover. But that doesn't mean I can't try.

We stumble back to everyone else. Unohana rushes over to us.

"Dears, you look pale."

"Aizen…Gin…Yama," I mumble.

"Sorry?"

"They were flirting," Grimm chokes out.

Instantly, everyone groans. Rukia hugs Renji and me, looking sick, Byakuya bites his lip and swallows, even Hitsugaya looks horrified.

"Oh god…Do you want counselling?" asks Unohana, digging in a pouch she has on her uniform. She eventually draws out four bottles of potion and hands it to us.

"What's this?" asks Ulqui.

"A blend of camomile tea. You need it."

We all gulp it down.

"Are you okay, Mummy, Daddy?" asks Hisana, peering at us. "You look howwible."

"Horrible sight…" Renji mutters. "Horrible."

"You should sleep," she says. Immediately, Unohana smiles appreciatively.

"Yes, they should. Hisana-chan, you have an apitiude for healing."

I sigh. I've seen this all before.

Okay… So Eighth and Second both want Hisana, I want Hisana in my or Renji's division… So Fifth or Ninth, and now Unohana as well…And every division wants someone who can do a bit of healing, so…Yippee.

"Thank you, Braidy!"

It's a sign of how much Unohana probably wants Hisana in her division that she doesn't really care about the nick name … or at least doesn't grumble about it.

"Okay," says Chojiro, taking charge again, "Until Aizen, Gin and taicho come back from whatever they're doing—"

Bad Mental Images. Or. BMI for short. Okay...Too many Three Letter Acronmys. (TLA's). Almost everyone groans at what Chojiro said.

"Sorry," he mumbles, groaning as he holds his hand to his head, "Movin' on." He takes a deep breath. "I reckon, we're all dismissed until we know what they want… Espada … and children … You'll have to stay behind until Aizen and Gin…Yeah. You know."

We all nod weakly. Grimm turns to me.

"Reckon Ulqui, Hel and me can hang out at your place until," he waves his hand in the air, "_T__hey_ come back."

"Yeah."

We all head back to our place. Grimm and Ulqui stare at the house.

"How come you get a normal-looking house with no stupid features attached?!" yells Grimm, banging his zanpuktou on the doorstep.

Syazel and Stark (with Vanya, thank the lord) are over at Mayuri's labs. I snigger. Hopefully, he'll experiment with Vanya and kill him.

My hopes are probably going to be dashed. Damn. Oh well…One can always hope.

"Don't damage the poor doorstep," Renji says, placating.

Grimm growls. "_WE_ got –"

"Hel, Hisana, why don't you go play?" I ask, despite how much I hate the fact she's playing with an evil child of the Espada…

Okay, I may not know for sure whether he's evil, but c'mon! He's the son of fricking ESPADAS! 'Course he's evil!

I may be biased, but still!

Hisana and Hel beam and rush into the backyard while I lead the others into the house.

"So what did you guys get from Yama?"

"This house," Renji answers vaguely. Grimm raises one eyebrow.

"One level for Hisana, actually, it has two bedrooms…. Why, I leave to you. A third level for Renji and me, and a basement."

"A basement?"

"Yeah…For Renji and me."

"I'm not gonna ask … Have you used it?" asks Ulqui.

"I refuse to answer that question," Renji says eventually. Ulqui snickers.

"Yes," sings Grimm. "Yes. Yes you have!"

I scowl. "Shut up, Neko."

"What. Did. You. Call. Me?!" Grimm yells

"Neko! Neko!" I sing.

"Shut the hell up, BERRY!"

"Neko!'

"Berry!"

"Neko!"

"DIE!" yells Grimm. I parry the blow he delivers.

Soon, we're fighting.

_**Renji's turn...**_

Well…I knew this would happen sooner or later.

I turn back to Ulqui. "So what did you guys get?"

"Our rooms were renovated… That's all I'm gonna say. So…When did you last use that basement?"

I feel myself blush. "Um, well, ah, yeah." I laugh nervously. "Um, well, Yama threw this party for us. That's all I'm gonna say."

"Line stealer."

"Shuddup, Emo."

"Please. Our wives might be fighting, but let's not."

I snicker. "Wives. I'm never gonna let my dear wife forget that."

Ulqui sniggers as well. "Wife. My dear wife, Grimmjow. Oh…That's hilarious."

I nod. Then, there's a loud crash from the garden. When we peer outside, we see

…

Okay…

Grimmjow and Ichi are fighting furiously across the garden, whilst yelling insults at each other.

"You freaky ol' bastard!" – Grimm to Ichi.

"Pig!"

"Wagtail!"

"Measle!"

"Currish shard-borne vassal!"

"Poisonous bunch-back'd toad!"

"Wimpled swag-bellied maggot-pie!"

"What the hell?!" I yell.

Grimm and Ichi look at me. "What?!" they snap.

"What are you yelling at each other?" asks Ulqui.

"Insults. Derr!"

"But! They sound! Ancient!"

"They're Shakespearean," says Ichi, as though that explains everything.

I stare at them. Ulqui stares at them.

Then, in a voice filled with wonder, Ulqui stammers, "But...But...You two are sophisticated enough to read _Shakespeare_, much less memorise his insults?!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" growls Grimm.

"YOU! AND KUROSAKI! READING _SHAKESPEARE_! IT'S. NOT. NATURAL!" Ulqui explodes.

"OI!

"He's right, you know," I mutter, though not low enough for Grimm and Ichi to miss.

"Don't you go and side with him, now," Grimm snaps.

"You're meant to be on my side," Ichi adds. I scowl at him.

"I know you like Shakespeare, and all, but you memorise his stuff!?"

"So?" grumbles Ichi, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.

"It's...Shakespeare!"

"He's good. Don't diss Shakespeare."

"He wrote _ROMANCE_!"

"And tragedies."

"Shakespeare, Ichi. _**Shakespeare**_!"

"Shuddup."

Meanwhile...Grimm and Ulqui are arguing.

"Wanker!" Grimm declares finally.

"Wanker? What does that mean?" asks two young voices.

We turn. We stare. Hel and Hisana are staring at us.

"What does 'wanker' mean?"

**A/N: hehehe.... Yeah. "TLA's'" belongs to my friend's dad, who made it up, or one of his friends, or whoever. Um, Bleach - Tite Kubo. The idea behind this story is from Espada Guide to Parenting, from which Hel and Vanya come ...Hisana Masaki is MINE! YAY! the shakespearean insults are from a website... i think it was www . shakespeareaninsulter . com or something. type shakespeare insults in google and it's the first one, i think. (yes, i went to the trouble of researching the stuff for you guys! feel important!) **

**Neko means cat in Japanese. I call Grimm 'Grimm-neko' cause his zanpuktou is Pantera, a panter. (shock horror gasp).**

**Yeah..So...I've just seen the new layout for the user account...Okay...Different, much? But...It has a nice, handy button at the end of each chapter to review, ne? Just click on it... and type something. like 'update soon' or 'this is funny' (heck, you can copy and paste if you're lazy! like me....XD). You don't even need an account... C'mon, it's nice and easy..... just click on the nice button.... c'mon! click on the button.... click on the button! **


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

I glare at Grimm.

BTW. This is me. Ichi_GO_! You actually are meant to pronounce my name in full! Not damn nicknames like 'Ichi' or 'Berry' or (even worse) 'Ichi-Berry'. Damned Pineapple.

Um. Yeah. Rant over.

Anyway…

I glare at Grimm.

"I. Hate. You," Ulqui snarls at Grimm. He's actually, for once, showing emotion, and looking livid.

Really livid. As in… I-am-the-Devil incarnate-and-I-am-pissed-at-you-so-you-can-crawl-in-a-hole-and-die-before-I-get-to-you-because-that-way-you-won't-feel-like-America's-soldiers-are-torturing-you-which-by-all-accounts-sounds-like-their-torture-methods-are-worse-than-the-Spanish-Inquisiton sort of level of pissed-offness.

Grimm actually gulps and backs away from Ulqui, who's stalking towards him. I grab popcorn from the kitchen and plonk onto the ground to watch.

"It's not my fault! I didn't realise they were there!"

"See, there was a reason why I told you never to swear or curse! Especially in front of the kids!"

"We only have one kid."

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!"

"But! ULQUI!"

"Do not call me that, you lowly scum!"

"Okay, that was not nice."

"Since when was I ever nice to you?" Ulqui demands.

"Good point," murmurs Grimm slowly. "But still!" he declares desperately. "You can't blame me!"

"Actually, I can, and I will," snarls Ulqui. Whoa….Angry Ulqui equals Scary Ulqui.

Hel and Hisana, looking at us, pout, and tug on our clothes. "What does wanker mean?!"

We're silent. Then, because, you know, it _is_ the answer to answer all questions, I reply, "You'll find out when you're older."

Immediately, Hel and Hisana pout, and pound on our legs, and, if they can reach, our arms.

"No! Know now! We wanna now KNOW!"

I look at Grimm. "Grimmjow? You can die now."

"No dying 'till question answered!" snaps Hisana. Okay…Angry Hisana equals Scary Hisana…That is so not fair. Why does everyone around me get to be Scary Insert-Their-Name when they're Angry Insert-Their-Name?

So not fair.

We all look at each other. "What do we tell them?" I ask. No one answers. Then…

Ulqui says, "A 'wanker' is … um… Someone…Who…Er…Yeah." He trails off, looking slightly embarrassed

"…But that doesn't answer anything!"

"I think," Renji says, after a few silent minutes, "That, basically, means," gulp, "they are asking for," he gulps, "The Talk."

We're all silent. Somewhere, in the background, someone's playing the 'Dun, dun … DUNNN!' background music.

"Um, how about no?" I reply.

Renji, Ulqui, and Grimm look at me. Then, Grimm says, "For once, I agree with the Berry."

"Don't call me that," I grumble.

Ulqui sighs. "I think," he says, "That we might as well get this over and done with. However, I do not feel that we should be the ones to give them," he gulps, "The Talk."

"I, for once, agree with the Emo," Renji says. Ulqui catches Renji's eye, and they both snicker.

"What's so funny?" I ask, suspicious.

"Well, you two wives agree with each other, and the two of us, the Husbands, agree with each other, do you—" Renji's explanation's cut off as Grimm has his zanpuktou at The Pineapple's throat.

"Do. Not. Call. Me. WIFE," the Cat snarls.

"Well, you are," Ulqui points out calmly.

Grimm growls and swings his Zanpakutou at Ulqui, only to find it parried by mine. Lazily, I step forwards, meeting Grimm's livid expression.

"I think," I drawl, "That the more pressing thing right now would be The Talk. Not fights with our beloved spouses."

The sarcasm on 'beloved spouses' rolls off in waves. Grimm snarls angrily, but puts his Zanpakutou away, as do I.

"Right," I say, "Now, who do we go to, for The Talk?"

"Definitely not Gin, Aizen or Yama, though they're probably preoccupied," says Ulqui, immediately.

BMI. B. M. Bloody I.

"Sorry," Ulqui whimpers after a few seconds.

"Apology accepted," says Renji, swallowing. "Um, Unohana?"

"Who's she?" Grimm asks.

"Fourth Division Taichou. She's nice, but she can be evil enough to scare even Eleventh Members."

"'Kay."

"All right?" I ask, looking around. Everyone nods at me.

"Right," I say. Turning to the two kids, H and H, I say, "We're going to see Unohana."

"Why?"

"Because."

"WHY?!"

"BECAUSE!"

Hisana glares at me, before grumbling, and crossing her arms over her chest, a pout firmly plastered on her face. Sighing, I stride towards the Fourth Division, expecting everyone to follow, but they don't. Spinning back to face them, I demand, "What? C'mon!"

"Are you sure that she won't make us give them … The Talk ourselves?" asks Grimm.

I think he's actually nervous. Whoa. A war is just 'Yep, cool, LET'S FIGHT!' and giving a kid The Talk is just 'um, yeah, how about…no!?'.

Actually…I agree with that (twisted) logic.

I can completely understand the reasoning…Of which there is probably none, but c'mon! Would you want to give a toddler The Talk?

"If she does, I'll murder her."

"And get executed," Renji calmly interjects. "C'mon. She's nice. Why would she make us suffer through giving some kids The Talk?"

I nod. Unohana is the nice-kind-generous-amazing-Taichou-of-the-Fourth-Division.

_Half an hour later…_

"I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S MAKING US DO THIS!" yells Renji.

Predictably, Unohana-the-insane-evil-sadistic-cruel-taicho-of-the-Fourth-Division told us that we should give them The Talk ourselves. And she gave us a book. Which the kids are, unfortunately, reading. Us parents are sitting in an adjoining room, discussing this evil act.

"That book should explain everything, right?" asks Grimm. We all nod, more hopefully than not.

"If they have anything left, which we doubt, Ulqui can explain," Renji declares. Ulqui sits there, stunned, before spinning around, glaring at Renji.

"What. Did. You. Say?!" he demands.

"Um, nothing!" I roll my eyes.

"Look, they'll have nothing. That book is thorough. As in…Scarring for life kinda thorough."

I shudder.

"How'd you know?" asks Renji. I pause, blushing slightly.

"Dad-_Isshin_ gave me it. Before. Lord…Half the pictures are porn, I tell you."

There's silence. Then, in a very choked voice, Grimm says, "Our children are looking at _that_?!"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell us that?! They must be scarred for life!"

"It should answer all their questions."

"All?"

"Yes," I reply, confident.

"Mummy!" calls Hisana, waltzing into the room. "I got a question."

The others all glare at me. I stare, stunned. "What?" I ask.

"This … I got two. Um, well, you're not a girl, so how'd you give birth to me? And how do you and Daddy have … You know, if neither of you are girls?"

I choke on my own breath. Renji gulps, and Grimm and Ulqui whimper.

"I don't think it explained …Gay stuff, right?" Renji asks.

"No. No," I answer.

"Then…How did you…"

"Isshin explained … Everything to me. Oh god. I nearly killed him."

"Right," Renji says. "Maybe we should get Isshin."

We're silent. Then, together, we all shake our heads furiously, and yell, "NO!" Oh. Hell no. No way in fricking hell. I. Am. NOT. Letting. My. Father. Anywhere. Near. The. Kids. So. That. They. Can. Have. The. Gay. Talk. From. Him. Holy Hell No.

"So?" asks Hisana. Hel, who's just appeared from behind her, nods eagerly.

"Yeah. I got the same questions," he says.

"You're not old enough," I say instantly.

Hisana leaps onto me, and tugs on my hair. Painfully. Repeatedly.

"Hisana! Stop!" I yell at her.

"Then tell me!"

"No."

"TELL!"

"You can't have everything you want, you know," I snap at her. She grumbles, and sits on my lap.

"Tell me."

"What do you think?"

She draws out the book, opens it to a ridiculously well drawn image of a guy's …You-Know-Where, and points as she explains, in that ridiculous childish innocence of hers, exactly what she thinks.

She got it completely right.

Oh. The Horror. SHE'S FOUR! FRICKING FOUR YEARS OLD! She shouldn't know.

"Right," I choke out, "You're right."

She beams, and then turns to Hel. "I told you so!"

Hel just grumbles. "Well, where did we come from? And Vanya."

I look at them. "Urahara made you."

"We're Urahara's kids?!"

"Not," I groan, BMIs flooding into my head, "No! He's not your actual father. _Oh god_." Honestly. I whimper pathetically.

Hisana stares at me. "Then, how?"

"Urahara created you from Renji and my reiatsu. He created Hel from Grimm-neko's and Ulqui-emo's reiatsu's."

"Don't use those nicknames, Berry," grumbles Grimm.

I smirk.

"So we're fake?" asks Hisana.

"Yeah," Renji replies, nonchalantly . The rest of us parents groan.

Hisana bursts out crying. So does Hel. We stare at them for a few minutes, before groaning.

"You idiot!" curses Grimm.

"What'd I do?!" exclaims Renji.

"C'mon, do you tell a kid that they're a fake?!" demands Grimm.

Renji stares at him, and then smiles sheepishly. "Probably not."

"Precisely!"

I pick up Hisana, and cradle her on my lap. "C'mon, Hisana, you're not a fake. You're what they call a test tube baby. They're very rare, and very precious."

Hisana sniffs. "Weally?"

"Yes, Hisana. Weally."

She whimpers, and rests her head against my chest. Ulqui says the same things to Hel, and winces when the Espada Kid snuggles into Emo's chest.

I glare at Renji over her head. He stares at me, and then at Grimm, who's also glaring at the King of All Idiotic Pineapples.

"Um, sorry?" the Pineapple says.

I continue to glare.

"I'm really sorry?"

I glare some more.

"STOP GLARING AT ME! IT'S FREAKY!"

Hisana and Hel laugh. "Daddy's being an idiot."

I smirk, lean back in the chair, and wrap my arms around Hisana. "He always is." I shake my head sadly, as Renji glares. "He always is."

I have to say though. So damn glad I never gave the actual Talk.

Then Hisana pipes up again.

"Mummy! When can I have children?!"

I freeze, and then glare at her.

"Not over my dead body!"

"When we die, we don't have bodies," Renji points out. I glare at him.

"Why not!? It'd be fun to have kids!"

I shake my head. "No," I reply. "It's really not." I fall silent, thinking of the problems with having Hisana around.

Hisana saddens. "Are you, "sniff," saying, "sniff," that, "sniff, "you," huge sniff, "don't like having me AROUND!?" she wails pathetically.

I sigh. Inwardly, mind you. "I like having you around, Hisana," I say, in what I hope is a nice, comforting manner.

"Weally?"

"Weally." Apparently, it worked. Shock. Horror. Gasp.

"YAY!" she yells, glomping me.

**A/N: Right. All praise must go to XPyromaniacxDestinyX....who is my new beta.... YAY! And yes, you may feel sorry for her, having to beta all this. And having to see the chapters first off. Finally, I hear some of you say, I finally got a Beta Reader. :P I'm not that bad....Fine... I'm worse. Anyway. So yeah. Um. This is a late update, I know... I know. I was on holiday. Which reminds me. You can all send me a Chrissie Present! REVIEWS!**

**(PS: Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year, full of Bleach, yaoi, etc, and, of course, SGTP. XD)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

Anyway….

This the next day, after the scarring things of yesterday…Ooh…Horrible Day.

Even though I didn't actually do … _THAT_, it's still bad.

Wait, not that 'That', the Talk 'That'.

I yawn, stretch, glance at Renji, who mumbles something like 'Ichi' and turns over, and then I get out of bed, and dress, and go downstairs.

There, Hisana's staring at a calendar and laughing.

"You and Daddy are really passonayte—no—"

"Passionate?" I ask, mind still half asleep.

"Yeah!"

"What makes you say that?"

Rukia bursts in, door slamming after her…

…

…

Wait…

I THOUGHT I GOT A GOOD LOCK ON THAT DAMNED DOOR!

I narrow my eyes at her.

"Yes, Chappy?" Yes, I call her Chappy.

"CHAPPY!" she squeals randomly. "No, anyway, um, you and Renji sure…" she breaks off, laughing.

ya strolls in too, cloak thingie fluttering dramatically. tress swaying in the background and generally rather dramatically. I frown. "I hope you have not, ah, done anything to harm Abarai?" he asks, glaring.

I frown as he leaves, and then look at what Hisana was looking at.

Oh damn.

'_The Shinigami Women's Association's Calendar'_ glares at me.

It's then that I see the picture. And the theme for the Calendar.

'_THE NEWEST COUPLE! KUROSAKI ICHIGO AND ABARAI RENJI_!' blares at me. Under it? A picture of Renji and me kissing, in the forest.

I swear. Loudly. Rukia glares at me, as she stands behind Hisana, covering the girl's ears. Ignoring them, I pick the calendar up and flick through it.

Pictures. Of me. And Renji. Kissing. Hugging. In various states of undress and passionate doings. You know. Like … um…. The … Yeah. Anyway. And, on TOP of that, there's all these stupid, insane comments, all girly, and AGH! Like, 'Holy shit! This is so hot!' and 'Tongues can actually do THAT?!' and 'HEHE! Look at RENJI'S TATTOOS! HAWT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' and you get the fucking idea!

No one gets to look at Renji naked except me!

In other words, fucking _porn_. Of me. And Renji. BUT…

Oh.

My.

Fricking

%^$&$&$%ing

34$%#$%ing

!#%$^#ed

God.

…

Someone.

Is.

Gonna.

Die.

…

Painfully.

Cruelly.

Excruciatingly.

Agonizingly.

Die.

I will...Strangle them, bring them back to life, use the European style of medieval execution of traitors (hang, drawn and quartered) bring them back to life, cut out their intestines and force them to eat it, and then hang them using it, and then.... I AM GOING TO KILL SOME FUCKING IDIOT OUT THERE!

My reiatsu spikes dangerously. Rukia wheezes, and starts struggling to breathe. Hisana whimpers, and clutches her chest.

I don't notice. Until…

"ICHIGO! CONTROL YOUR DAMNED REIATSU!" yells Renji, barging into the room. He strides to me, and yanks my hair.

"OI!" I yell back, and then notice my reiatsu. Sighing, I tug it back into control.

Rukia glares at me, before smirking.

"You guys are so sweet," she cooes.

Renji stares at her.

"Huh?" he asks stupidly.

She smirks, and gives him the calendar.

Three seconds later, I'm the one telling Renji to control his reiatsu.

"Who," he snarls, "Took. These. SHIITY. Photos!?" I glance at him. "And I thought Yama said the basement was secure!"

I shrug. "We were stupid to actually believe him," I sigh. Rukia snickers.

"What was the December photo of, Mummy?" asks Hisana.

I freeze.

See, the December photo, well, let's just say that … _that_ photo was from, um, the party. You know. The party just before Renji and I nearly broke up? _That_ party?

Yeah. Set in our basement, with Renji and I, um, well, you know, doing... Yeah...

As most of you are probably perverts, I'm guessing you do.

And there's so many comments on it, it ain't funny.

Let's just say, um, we're both naked. Completely. I'm glad that's there's some (aka very, very, _very_ little as in miniscule, you-need-to-below-Mayuri's-Electron-microscope-if-you-can-stand-the-bloody-and-guts-on-it-to-see-it) censorship in Soul Society, and that no one can see either of us completely naked.

I glare at Hisana. "Don't talk about this calendar. I'm trashing it."

Rukia snickers again. I glare at her.

"That calendar," she says, still snickering, "has been distributed right around Seireitei."

Renji and I freeze. "You're kidding, right?" Renji asks, with a lot more calmness than I think he actually has.

"Nope! I helped myself!"

It takes a huge amount of self control for me not to scream at her.

Unfortunately, I don't actually _have_ that much self control.

"YOU BITCH!" I scream. "Do you not have _any_ fucking decency at all!?"

Rukia smirks at us, and races away. Hisana looks scared.

"Mummy, Daddy, you're—you're-you're SCARING ME!" she wails. I groan, and pick her up, hugging her.

"Sorry Hisana."

"I know," she sniffles, and buries her head in my shoulder.

Glancing at me, Renji comments, "You're getting good at the entire comforting thing."

Scowling at him, I slump into her chair, setting Hisana on my lap as I do so. "Right," I say. "First, we need breakfast. Second, we need to find out who the photographers were. Third, we need to kill them. Fourth, we need to destroy all the calendars, and all copies of the photos."

Renji nods. "Cool. I completely agree with that." He then leaves, for the kitchen.

Hisana stares at us. "You're not actually gonna kill them, are you?"

"Why not?" I growl.

Hisana whimpers, and says, "Well, if you took those kinda pictures, you wouldn't want to be killed, right?"

"See, I wouldn't take these pictures in the first place."

I think I can smell something burning.

"But what if you get," sniff, "executed for killing them?"

I sigh. "Fine. No killing. I'll just torture them."

"Not too much torture."

"Fine. A little torture."

Renji rolls his eyes at us, whilst munching on burnt toast. I frown at the burned toast.

"Please tell me you did not just burn toast," I say.

"Um, I burnt toast?"

"TOAST! Renji! You burnt _toast_! How the hell do you fucking _burn toast_?!"

Renji shrugs. "I can't cook?"

"Fine!" I declare dramatically, shoving him out of the kitchen. "You are _not_, under _any_ bloody circumstances, allowed in this kitchen!"

Renji shrugs, and plonks himself on the chair I just occupied, pulling Hisana onto his lap. I roll my eyes at him.

"You do realize," he says, after I hand them all eggs and bacon, "that I deliberately burnt the toast?"

I stare at him. "What the fuck?!" Hisana starts to eat.

"Well, you see, I like your cooking, and, um, wanted to make sure that you always did the cooking?" He actually has the decency to look sheepish.

"So you _can_ cook?" I ask, dangerously calm. Renji gulps, and starts to back away.

"Yeah…"

"Renji?"

"Yeah?"

"DIE!" I scream at him.

Grimm and Ulqui choose that moment to stride into the room.

"You guys not gone yet?" I grumble at them, before turning back to Renji, and raising my Zanpakutou.

"Nope. Still here," says Grimm cheerfully. I stare at him, and then at Ulqui, and lower my Zanpakutou. Renji breathes in, and falls onto the couch. I glare at him, and he gulps, and shifts away, before I turn back to the Espada.

"So," I say, with bright cheerfulness, "What did you guys do last night?"

Ulqui and Grimm blush suspiciously. "None of your business," Grimm mutters, looking away.

"Aha," I say, grinning lightly.

Ulqui sees my grin. "It's not what you think!" he says. Grimm's eyes stare at me, and his mouth drops open.

"Seriously!" declares Grimm. "It's NOT what you think."

I raise an eyebrow. Renji looks at them, and then at the calendar. Opening it, he flicks to the credits page.

"'Distributors'," he reads out loud, "'Members of the Shinigami Women's' Association – Kuchiki Rukia, Matsumoto Rangiku, Kurotsuchi Nemu, Shihoin Yoruichi, Yadomaru Lisa, RETSU UNOHANA? SOI FON?" A pause. "ISE NANAO!?" he pauses again, and then glares at Grimm and Ulqui. "Grimmjow and Ulquiorra," he finishes, glaring at them.

A pause.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING LAST NIGHT?!" I explode, lunging towards them. Grimm and Ulqui nod, and start to rush backwards.

"YOU BASTARDS! YOU IDIOTIC, SADISTIC, CRUEL, EVIL, INSANE, MAD BASTARDS!" I add.

"Oi!" Grimm grumbles. "I may be evil, but I'm not sadistic!"

"YES YOU ARE! HOW COULD YOU, IN YOUR SANE MIND, DELIVER PORN CALENDARS!"

"They're not porn," defends Ulqui.

"_Bullshit_! THEY ARE! WHAT ELSE DO YOU CALL A MAGAZINE WITH THIS PICTURE IN IT!" I add, waving the picture for December. You know. THAT picture.

"Okay, maybe they might just, slightly, in the tiniest possible sense, be light porn—"

"LIGHT PORN! _LIGHT_ PORN?!"

"Maybe just a bit heavier than light porn?"

I glare at Ulqui.

"Okay…Porn. BUT STILL!"

"WHAT?!"

"Good pay?"

"YOU DISTRIBUTED PORN CALENDARS, BECAUSE YOU GOT GOOD PAY!?"

"Err…Yes?"

"YOU INSANE, EVIL, BEETLE-HEADED, BAWDY, CANKEROUS, LEAD APES IN HELL, FOOL-BORN, TOAD-SPOTTED HAGGARDS!"

Grimm pouts. "Okay, now, _that_ was uncalled for!"

Renji stares at me. "You read way too much Shakespeare, mate. _Way_. Too. Much."

I glare at him.

"These idiots distributed the lists, you tickle-brained wagtail. Don't you want to _murder_ them?"

"No. Well, a little. I certainly want to ensure that they burn in hell forever. But. Guess who took the photos? There were two of them."

I think. Actually. I don't. The answer comes immediately. "Isshin. And Shunsui. Or Urahara."

"Correct, and incorrect. Isshin and," he gulps, "Byakuya."

There's silence.

"BYAKUYA TOOK THE PHOTOS?!"

"Apparently."

"I WILL—"I splutter for a few seconds. "BYAKUYA!?"

"Yeah," Renji says slowly. He shakes his head. "I never knew he was like that." He stares blankly at the calendar.

"BYAKUYA!?" I splutter again. "Oh. I'm. I'm."

I trail off.

Byakuya? Kuchiki Byakuya? Head of Kuchiki Clan? Cold, stoic Byakuya?! He took the photos?!

I. Cannot. Believe. This.

Byakuya takes porn photos?!

No. No way. Got to be an error.

Because Byakuya would never, never take those photos.

And if, by some strange chance, he did, he'd never give them to the SWA. And get them printed in a calendar.

Never.

Never.

Not Byakuya…

At least, he wouldn't have his precious name desecrated by associating with such … Low acts.

I think not, anyway.

"Yeah," says Grimm. "He helped hand them out last night, actually. Co-ordinated it."

I stare at him.

"Byakuya?"

"Yes. Byakuya. Kuchiki Byakuya. Guy with long girly black hair, weird white thingies in his hair, tall, noble sorta guy etc. That guy. I assume he's Byakuya."

"You spend too much time with Ulqui," I tell him, dropping into a chair. "Oh Lord. The world's going crazy. Upside down… Byakuya should not be going around taking photos like that. No. No. _It's not right_!"

I whimper pathetically. "Bad. Bad. Not right. Bad. Bad. Not right!"

"Kurosaki. Abarai," says a cold, stoic voice. "We have a captains' meeting, which you are some thirty minutes late for."

I stand. I glare. Byakuya stands calmly, at the door to our house. "You," I snarl, stalking towards the traitorous sixth division Taichou. "You. Moron. You perverted Isshin-like idiot!"

"I am none of that," intones Byakuya. "I am much better than that." He sniffs. "Besides, how dare you compare me to your idiotic father?"

I stalk back to the lounge, pick up the calendar, and stalk back to him. "You," I snarl, waving it in front of him, "Took these pictures. HOW DARE YOU!"

He stares at me, the slightest widening of his eyes visible (Byakuya's eyes widening equals someone fainting in shock). After taking the calendar, he flicks through it. Then, he puts it down, and faces me.

"Yes, I helped Isshin take those pictures. I planned to use them as blackmail; as a Taichou," he allows the faintest of smirks to come through, "you can never have too much blackmail." I snarl, and start to draw my Zanpakutou. "However," he says, cutting me off before I can start cursing him, "I had no plan for them to be used as," he sniffs, "Calendar pictures. Certainly, I would never have given them to the SWA. That is simply despicable."

I stare at him. "You can still _DIE_!"

Byakuya's eyes widen, and he flees. Yelling out my customary death threats, I chase him.

_**Back at the House – Renji! Your fave PINEAPPLE! My turn now!**_

Well…Isn't this getting a bit old?

Grimm's stares at Ichi's retreating back. "That guy has one short temper."

"No derr," I drawl, "You've fought him how many times?"

Grimm shrugs. "You don't seem too bothered," he remarks. I shrug, and, picking up Hisana, start heading out.

"I half-expected this. Seriously. Ichi's like…The biggest celeb in Soul Society. I'm the hottest. Sometimes, I got surprised there aren't bunches of cameramen outside our door." I pause, and look outside, where Ichi-berry's reiatsu's flattening the surrounding area.

"Well, let's chase him down," I declare.

_Five minutes later…_

Okay. I want my Guide back.

NEVER! DA PINEAPPLE WILL NOT LET YOU!

Da Pineapple? C'mon. Renji. That's bad, even for you.

SHUDDUP, BERRY!

What's with the capitals?

DA CAPITALS ARE COOL!

Cut it with the 'Da'.

DA DA IS AWESOMENESS!

Awesomeness?

YEAH! DA AWESOMENESS IS AWESOMENESS!

Okay. That's it. Give me back my poor, abused Guide, and Shiro won't wanna come around for a visit.

Shiro: I wanna visit him anyway…

SHIRO WANTS TO MEET … me…YOU CAN HAVE YOUR GUIDE BACK!

Good. Good Renji.

I ain't a dog, Ichi.

Really? I never noticed. Besides, I thought you were giving me back my Guide.

A..ha…Yeah…

Finally.

My poor, abused Guide.

Anyhows.

I've chased Byakuya into the captains' meeting. Bya's ground to a halt (Bya? Yes. Bya. Byakuya is a hassle to write all the time.)

I stalk towards him. Byakuya backs away, the tiniest glimmer of fear in his eyes.

"You low, evil, insane idiot," I snarl. "I am gonna kill you very, very slowly. First, I'm gonna cut you until you're bleeding over, and then I'm gonna ever so slowly dissect you and then I shall fire some random kido at you and blow you up. Somewhere during that, I'm gonna borrow Soi Fon's torture stuff."

"Oi Ichi! Renji a sex god?" bellows Shunsui.

I turn. Slowly. I glare at Shunsui, who gulps.

"Yes. He is. But you didn't need to know that, did you? You just wanna make fun of me. You're gonna die too. Slowly. Painfully."

Somehow, I think I'm really quite pissed off.

Shunsui gulps, and backs away, as Renji, Hisana, Hel and the Espada enter.

"Ichi, threatened anyone yet?"

"Byakuya and Shunsui."

Nodding, he strolls forwards, and wraps an arm around me. Bending, he mutters in my ear, "Ignore them."

I scowl at him. "And your dignity? What happened to that?"

"We'll get them back later."

Nodding, I keep a scowl on my face, glaring at anyone who thinks to smirk, as I let Renji lead me to my place.

"Oh, how sweet," coos Grimm, ignoring my death glare. "The hubby calms down his little wife. How sweet."

Calmly, I shoot a punch into his stomach, seriously winding him.

Yama chooses that moment to enter.

"Ren-kun! Ichi-kun!" he yells. "You two are a horny couple, aren't you?!"

"What does that mean?" asks Hisana.

"It means," sings Isshin, "That your parents love to shag each other – GAH! Gerrof me!" He chokes under my hand firmly plastered over his mouth.

"Ichigo?" asks Unohana. "Now may not be the best time to murder your father, especially in front of two impressionable children."

Scowling, I let go of my treacherous, evil, sadistic, idiot of a fool-born haggard-ick father, and lean against Renji.

"What does 'shag' mean?"

Groaning, I turn to Isshin, who, although he was out cold a few minutes ago, has leapt to his feet, and is now grinning.

"When you shag someone, you—GEROF!"

"Idiot," Renji snarls, before removing his hand from Isshin's mouth.

"Right, anyhows! Um, captains," sniffs Yama. "I have two things to say. First: WHO WANTS TO GO ON A BEACH TRIP?!"

There's silence.

Then.

"How much sake can we take?" asks Shunsui.

"How about no trips anywhere?" demands Hitsugaya.

"Aw, c'mon, Shiro. Imagine how much fun it'll be!" pleads Hinamori, giving him her best puppy dog eyes.

I almost feel sorry for the kid.

"No." Whoa. How'd he resist Momo's puppy dog eyes?

"There'll be lots of water."

"So when should we go?" he asks instantly. "Honestly," he adds, after a few minutes of us staring at him, shaking his head. "You should've said there'd be lots of water first."

I roll my eyes.

"What about patrols?" I ask

There's murmurs of agreement.

"I'm impressed, Kurosaki," drawls Byakuya, "I'd never have guessed you'd be so responsible. Ah, well, I suppose it comes from parenting."

Snickers.

"May I remind you," I drawl back, "That you're a millimeter off having me torture you to death." Bya glumps, and backs off.

"ANYWAY!" yells Yama, startling us into silence. Lowering his voice to a softer level, he continues, "Second. You gotta hand in all paperwork for new peoples in your divisions after the beach trip, which we shall go on tomorrow. G'day!" he grins. "YAY! I spoke AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE! OI! OI! OI!"

We stare at him.

"BTW," he adds, "We're gonna go to … um. Some Aussie Beach. CAUSE 'DOWN UNDER' HAS THE BESTEST BEACHES EVER!" He leaves.

"Who else feels that they're gonna go their deaths?" mutters Shunsui.

"Do we have to go?" pleads Grimm.

"BTW 2!" yells Yama suddenly, poking his head back in. "Um, Grimm? Ulqui? Aizen said you had to go with us, oh stop that, you naughty Aizen!"

Our faces pale as Yama giggles, and, turns for a moment, saying something to Aizen, who appears to be hidden behind Yama.

"Yeah?" asks Grimm, looking ill.

"You don't look too well, Grimm-kun. Anyway, Aizen said you had to come with us, ooh, AIZEN! Anyway, um, soyeahHelandHisanacancometooandsoareyouGrimmUlquisohavefunBYEBYE!"

He rushes out.

"What did he say?" I ask.

"That Helios-san and Hisana-san can come, as well as Grimmjow and Ulquiorra," translates Byakuya. I suppose he's had practice, with Renji's mumbling.

"Right," I say, watching as Soi Fon vomits into a handily placed bucket.

"So!" says Ukitake. "I wonder what the hotel arrangements are." His grin grows lecherous. "I'm sure he'll arrange for the newest Shinigami and Espada couples to stay together." He smiles. "I do hope the four of you keep quiet. Some of us like our sleep."

Why, UKITAKE? WHY? WHY DID YOU BETRAY US!?

The four of us, Grimm, Ulqui, Ren and I, blush.

"Shuddup," I mumble.

There's laughter.

Rukia: "I'm not gonna be able to go into your house anymore. The images that spring to mind." She shakes her head.

Bya: "I do hope both of you keep safe. The last thing we need is two captains with sexually transmitted diseases. Or, as you plebeians know them, STDs."

Grimm, Ulqui, Ren, Hisana and Hel, and I walk out.

"I. Hate. The. SWA," I snarl.

Oh, I shall get my revenge. Just you wait.

**A/N: hehe....*hides* Am sorry for slow update, especially as I've posted two Alex Rider crack!fics in the time I've spent NOT writing this... Hehe... NO KILLING ME!!! PLEASSEEE!!!!!! Yeah, anyway, Chap 22 is off with my beta, so yeah, there'll be a quick update .... hopefully...Review, please!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**Down Fricking Under

"MUMMY!" screams a voice. Hisana. Damn her. I WANNA SLEEP. Sleep is good. Sleep is wonderful. Sleep is something I really don't get enough of. Therefore, I want to sleep. Why can I not sleep? Oh yeah. 'Cause I'm a _parent_. GAH.

"What?" I grumble.

"We're going on a holiday! GEDDUP! MUMMY! DADDY!" she wails. Sighing, I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I glare at her.

"What holiday? We never agreed on a holiday."

The Hell Butterfly hovering over Hisana's head decides to yell at me.

"Hiya Ichi-kun! Ren-kun!"

Yama. Geez. I do **_not_**need him this early in the morning.

"WAH! NO! I DON'T WANNA GET MY HAIR CUT!" Renji yells, randomly, with his arms flying around spookily. "GET THOSE SCISSORS AWAY FROM ME-E – oh." Remji awakens properly. "Um. Good morning?" Renjiwhimpers .

I stare at him. Then I snicker.

"Nightmare?" I ask. Renji glares at me.

"Yes, okay? It was freaky. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Get. My. Hair. Cut. EVER!"

Hisana laughs.

"Funny Daddy."

"Shuddup."

"Yes, um, anyway," I say. "Hell Butterfly?"

I'd recognized this particular Hell Butterfly as one of the new ones, which allows two people to speak to each other.

"That was funny, Ren-kun."

"I remember that," says something that sounds like Rukia. "Oh. That was good. Remind me to send you the footage, Ichigo. Renji puts up quite a fight if you threaten to cut his hair."

"Shut up, okay! My beautiful locks were only just beginning to grow out, and I didn't want them cut!"

"You were screaming, like a girl."

"I WAS NOT!"

"Yeah. You were."

"The only male in this room who screams like a girl is Ichi."

"I DO NOT!" I explode.

"Yeah. You do. I've listened to it quite a few times, and," Renji's smile grows lecherous, "I wouldn't quite mind bringing another girly scream outta you soon."

"No innuendo around your impressionable daughter! For God's sake!" exclaims Yama, huffing a bit. "Anyway. We do not need to know about your sex life!"

"And the calendar does what exactly?"

"…That's something entirely different. Okay?"

"No. It really isn't."

"Well…Um…Err…See…Hang on! _I'm_ the _COMMANDER_! What I say rules! Hah! BEAT THAT!"

I stare at the Hell Butterfly.

"Um, right. What did you want to say in the first place, anyway?"

"Er. Good question. Um. Something about a holiday?"

"Today's holiday to Australia?" asks Renji.

"Yeah! THAT WAS IT! Um. 'Kay. So. Meet us outside the main gates to the … dun… dun …dun! REAL WORLD! WOOT! Oz, here we come!"

The Hell Butterfly flies off.

"Um….Okay…" Renji stammers slowly.

I whimper, fall back into bed, and try to sleep.

Hisana grabs a pillow and whacks me.

"MUMMY!" she screams, in my ear. "WAKEY UPY!"

I groan. I grumble. I eventually clamber out of bed.

"We have," Renji sighs, "Two hours to get ready and get to the gate."

"I've already packed!"

I sigh.

"Fine. Hisana, um, go downstairs, and, er…Oh. For God's sake. Just go over and visit Yachiru, 'kay?"I grumble, not wanting to put up with hyperactive kids this early in the morning. I know Yachiru + Hisana = trouble, but...It's like, seven in the morning.

"YAY! I HAVEN'T SEEN HER FOR SO LONG! YACHIRU-CHAN!"

She bolts off.

"Two hours, huh?" asks Renji, grinning. "How long does it take you to pack, Ichi?"

I glare at him, before swatting his head, as I stroll into the walk in robe. "Get a life, Renji."

"What type? 'Cause—"

"No jokes, innuendo, or anything from you. I'm tryin' to pack, for God's sake."

Renji pouts. "C'mon, Ichi!"

"Later."

"ICHI!"

I glare at him. Grumbling, Renji leaves.

Well…That was unexpected.

I throw together a suitcase and stoll outside to find Renji has managed to pack half the contents of the bedside tables.

I sigh, and glare at him. "Renji. How much Hisana-free time do you seriously think we're gonna have?"

"Hey. Pack for the best-case scenario," he remarks, crossing the room, and kissing me.

Rolling my eyes, I return the kiss, before pulling away, and glaring at him.

He pouts, but picks up all the bags, and winces.

"Heavy?" I ask, smirking.

"Uh huh," he replies weakly. He dumps them back onto the bed, and (rather reluctantly) starts removing some of the stuff he packed.

That's when Hisana enters.

"What's all that stuff?" she asks, staring at the stuff Renji's packing back into the drawers.

We spin around, and stare at her.

"Well?" she asks.

"Um. Well. It's nothing."

"You don't hide stuff like that if you don't want me to see it," she points out.

I hate having a kid with Urahara's brains.

"So tell me!"

"No."

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"Shuddup, both of you," snarls Renji. "Honestly. You both act like kids."

"I am a kid," points out Hisana.

I roll my eyes, but then grin. "That's precisely why we're not telling you what the stuff is. It's not right for kids like you to know."

Hisana stares at me. Then her eyes widen. "Oh…Are they, like, adult toys?"

"…Hisana, what do you know about," gulp, "adult toys?"

"Only what Isshin told me! Now, c'mon, we have a holiday to go to!"

I stare at her back as she runs away, before her words sink in.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, ISSHIN!"

Holy…WHY DID I COME TO THIS INSANE, CRAZY, HORRIBLE TOWN THAT IS, FOR SOME RANDOM, UNKOWN REASON, THE FRICKING HEADQUARTERS OF THE GOTEI 13, EVEN THOUGH IT'S BLOODY FULL OF IDIOTIC, PERVERTED OR INSANE PEOPLE?

My life is horrible.

...

I chose to come here. Damn.

We all head over to the afore mentioned gate, me glaring at everyone and anyone. NO ONE'S RUNNING AWAY! GODDAMNIT! WHY AREN'T THEY SCARED OF ME?!

Then again, this is my normal expression...Damn them. Maybe I shouldn't glare so much...

I try smiling. It's hurts, a bit. Why do people like Urahara and Ukitake smile so much, when it hurts? Although...Urahara is strange... Anyway. People are now looking scared of me... BUT ... HANG ON! Smiling is a nice expression! People aren't supposed to be scared of a smiling person ('less it's Gin. His smile is just plain creepy.).

"Ichi...Why are you smiling?"

I glare at Renji. "What's it to you?"

"Well...You never, ever smile. It's just...Creepy."

I frown. He relaxes.

Oh. Goddamn this all.

"Mummy, why were you smiling? It was cweepy."

I glare at her. "Mummy's back to normal!" she cheers.

Groaning, I turn to everyone else, and scowl at them. No one reacts.

I really, really hate my life. Normally scary expressions look normal on me and normally happy expressions look scary on me.

A wailing noise just suddenly bombards us.... It's like someone's screaming, and it just sounds...Weird.... Although...That may be because...

"I'm _so_sorry, everyone!" wails Yama, running towards us. "I apologize for everything! My existence must be such a horrendous burden on you all!" Well, he got _that_ right. "I apologize to the whole world! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! _I'M SO SORRY_! How could I do something so absolutely horrendous to you all! How could I! _How could I_? To think I, of all people, would do something so evil! You must all hate me!" And he manages to get another thing right. Whoa. "I'm sorry! _I'M SORRY_!"

"Err..." says Ukitake, "What exactly _did_ you do?"

"I couldn't," sniff, "Get tickets to Australia! Either on cruises, or on a plane!"

"Why can't we just open the Gate into Australia?" asks Renji.

"I WANNA FLY THERE! OR CRUISE THERE! Taking the Gate just ruins _all_ the fun!"

We all stare at him.

"Well," announces Hitsugaya, "I'm going to return to my paperwork."

"No," snarls Hisana, looking feral. Everyone steps back, staring at my now positively terrifying daughter… "You promised a trip to Australia. Now. We are going to Australia, and we can fly back to Japan, if you're so determined to fly." She adopts a particularly terrifying look – something like Soi Fon's Evil Glare Three™ (which, btw, is just utterly scary and has been known to reduce Yoruichi to nervousness (_and_ it's the weakest of her Evil Glares™)). "Or…I will castrate you."

Yama gulps, and almost backs away. Then, suddenly, he glares, and, placing hands on hips, stares down at Hisana, who glowers back resolutely.

"I don't care!" Yama declares. "I rule the world, as I am KING OF THE UNIVERSE! So _you_ must do what _I_ say!"

Snarling, Hisana strides forwards, and, kicking at Yama's legs to force him to the ground, and jams her finger into his chest.

I am so proud of my little daughter.

"You. Are. Gonna. Open. The. Gate. Into. Australia. NOW!" she yells.

Yelping, Yama leaps back, and, rather hurriedly, stammers out, "I can't! The Gate only opens to other Gates, and I don't think there is one in Oz!"

Silent, Hisana stares at Yama, for several seconds, before letting out a huge scream, and … Lord… She's jumping up and down on him. How'd she get him back on the floor?

"YOU IDIOT!" she screams. "YOU ALIMIGHTY MORON! YOU GOD-FORSAKEN BRAINLESS MASCULINE _BIMBO_!"

"Hey!" he interrupts. "That's unwarranted!" Hisana simply glares at him, and Yama automatically subsides.

"You. Are. In. Huge. Trouble," she snarls, before storming off.

Briefly, I reflect that, as she's my daughter, I should probably go find her, and/or deal with the fall out here… I mean, you're not meant to congratulate a kid on yelling at/jumping on/and generally screaming at a Commander…Even if said Commander is completely nuts.

"Well," says Shunsui, "I must say…Your daughter will be…Difficult when she's a teenager."

Renji and I pale.

Oh Lord.

Teenagers… Puberty…World destruction…The end of life as we know it…

I mean, if she's this bad now, imagine when she's older…That'll just be plain torture. It'll be worse than dealing with Urahara... And Urahara's just... Let-Me-Die-Now...

"Leave the future to come as it well," snaps Soi Fon. "Honestly, though, she should not treat her superiors in that disgusting manner. Do you teach her any manners at all?" she adds, glaring at Renji and me.

"Of course we do!" declares Renji. "But…She was just disappointed, y'know. She was really eager to go to Australia – woke us up early, and all that. This is a major let down, and all…" his voice trails off.

"Right, like that's an excuse to yell at the Commander. Then again, what can one expect, seeing as she's the daughter of the two least-respectful Shinigami _ever_?"

"Oi! You take that back! We're not that bad!" I snap.

"No, you're worse."

"Aw, let it go, Soi Fon," says Shunsui. "Anyway, she's only been here since Yamamoto went… Well…You know what I mean…" he says, glancing at the now sobbing Yama.

We all turn and stare at the pitiful creature.

"Oh… What did I do to deserve such punishment as this?" he sobs. "Oh…I hope that fair lady forgives me… I shall never live if I do not receive her forgiveness, and without giving an adequate apology to the Lady….Oh…What am I saying…Nothing is good enough to appease her after I let her down so badly… I ought to just take my life here and now…And not have to deal with the horror of her snubbing me…Which is all I deserve, in truth…"

"Um…Okay…Is he planning to court Hisana?! I'LL KILL HIM, I WILL!" I yell, lunging at the idiot.

Renji, grabbing my waist, tugs me back.

Sniffing, Yama continues to describe every single 'beautiful, wonderful, dearest' quality of Hisana, aka, MY DAUGHTER!

Honestly, it's like he has a crush on her.

Then again, considering him, Aizen and Gin, it's not quite possible. He's occupied…The Two-Timing Bastard.

Anyway…

"Can I just kill him, please?" I beg, looking at Renji.

"No." His lips twitch.

"Aww." I brighten up suddenly. "Can I, _at least_, hurt him?"

Renji considers this. Then, shrugging, he says, "Fine…" Then he pauses, and glares at me. "But only a little bit."

"Aww. C'mon!"

"C'mon!" yells Yama, grinning like a loon… which he is … He does this entire …THING, where he basically bends his knees, one leg placed in front of the other, leaning forwards, with his hand bent towards his head.

We all stare at him. Groaning, he sighs, and glares at us. "Ya'know, Lleyton Hewit?"

Blank stares all round.

"Aussie tennis champion?"

Nup.

"I give up. Get cultured, you lot."

"Some of us are," sniffs Byakuya. "Others," he glares pointedly at me and Renji (oops… sorry. _Renji_ and me. Grammar freaks, the lot o' ya), "are not."

I glare at him.

It does not work.

Tell me I don't have to get glaring lessons from my own daughter. PLEASE! I beg you...That would just be... So... Humiliating... And... Don't make me cry...

Not that I ever cry, or anything...

"Okay," says Ukitake, taking control. "I'll…actually…Byakuya!" he smiles at Byakuya, whose eyes narrow. "Byakuya-san, you can take Yamamoto-soutaicho, and calm him down." Bya actually pales. As in, he actually shows SOME sort of facial expression. OHMYGAWD, THE WORLD SHALL END! EVERYONE TAKE COVEEEEEEEEER! "Everyone else can just return to their divisions, and take control. Ichigo-kun, Renji-kun, you might want to find your daughter."

Both Renji and I pale.

"Well!" Shunsui says, clapping Renji's back. "Better two fit, young people who can run off, than lil' old me, I always say!" He looks at us. "If she looks particularly angry, I suggest using shunpo. I do that when my Nanao-chan looks like she's about to whack me over the head, and, I have to say," he winces. "Hisana looks like she's actually more angry than my Nanao-chan has ever been!"

Oh. Shite.

"I am not your Nanao-chan!" Nanao explodes spontaneously, producing that huge book of hers. Shunsui, following his own advice (for once), shunpos off.

**A/N: So...I've kinda had writer's block for the last couple of months... But it's gone now! Many thanks to Yamamo-chan, whose review was the main breaker in my writer's block. Um. Yeah. Thanks to xPyromaniacxDestinyx for beta-ing... And yeah. XD My mega-long ANs are severely short now... Mayhap my WB isn't totally through...oh yeah...No... I shall talk about that later.... **

**One more thing: I was kinda disappointed with the number of (or rather, the lack thereof) people who reviewed last chapter.... I feel very upset....And, as you can see, reviews inspire me to write... So perhaps you shall all show your support and review? Please? Or do I need to bring out my doctor again? Or the Oldeth Englisheth? **


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Finding Your Daughter When She's Angry

So…Where would a furious daughter of mine head to when she's angry with the Commander?

I have absolutely no idea, and she's my daughter.

Which, I know, is pathetic. But, in my own defense, how am I supposed to know? For one thing, I'm not so stupid as to actually get her angry in the first place, and, second, she's only been my daughter for…Like…I dunno…

However long it's been.

So…Yeah…

Letting out a deep breath, I turn to Renji. We're standing in Hisana's room, and, well, she ain't there. Obviously.

"Where would she go?" Renji asks, sitting on the bed, and tugging my head onto his lap. Lying there, I stare up at the ceiling, imagining all the most obvious places in Seireitei and whether she'd be there.

"Well…Eleventh?"

"Nah…She's like you, so she'll go somewhere where she can work off her anger."

I'm silent for a few seconds, before turning and glaring at him.

"Am I that easy to predict?"

"Yep."

"Geez," I grumble, not entirely sure how to take this. I mean, it's kinda nice he knows me so well…

"Everyone knows you're like that – workin' off anger all the time," he remarks, idly.

That just ruined it. Bloody idiot.

I yank on his hair, making him yelp, and nearly throw me off his (rather comfy) lap.

"BASTARD!" he yells.

"You're one too," I tell him snidely. "Now, c'mon, would she be at the training grounds?"

He glares at me, but replies, "I already checked reiatsu particles there. No one that we're interested in."

"Uh huh…" I pause, and then, frowning, stare at him. "Why don't you just do a general check, then?"

"Oh, shit," Renji mumbles, blushing. "Didn't think of that."

"Obviously, you idiotic, humanoid Pineapple."

"What?!" she, sorry, _he_ demands. "What'd you say?"

"Nothing." He glares at me. Rolling my eyes, I wave my hand dismissively, and snap, "Now just do it."

"What about you?"

I just glare at him. I mean, c'mon! EVERYONE knows how pathetic I am with reiatsu in general. He grumbles, but checks for Hisana's reiatsu. When he finds her, he looks green.

"She's in First."

Why's she at the First Division? There's no reason…Unless.

Holy Mother of God.

We both dash to First Division Offices, ignoring all the stares and "huh?"s we get for being two captains rushing about, and willingly going to the First Division offices. 'Cause no captain with any self-preservation instincts actually would go there.

As we both figured, Hisana is, rather happily, burning down Yama's office.

Because, y'know, that's what anybody would do if they're pissed off at someone else. Right?

"Hisana!" Renji yells, stepping into the fire. Not to be outdone, I hurry in after him.

There's smoke everywhere, though it's not really that hot. Flames lick at every single surface, and in the middle, looking like a devil, stands Hisana, laughing evilly, complete with the eerie light, pitchfork, horns and tail. She looks a bit like Lord What's-His-Name, Voldemort?, cackling madly as he is about to kill Potter.

Okay. Maybe not. But you get the idea.

"Hisana Masaki! Get the hell outta here!"

"MUAHWHAHAHAHAHA! Now, Yamamoto shall know never to cross or deny me anything! MAUWHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE EVIL QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE! BOW DOWN TO ME, ALL YE LOYAL WORSHIPPERS!"

…

Okay. She doesn't say that either. But that's the basic gist.

Except for the entire 'bow down to me for I am your ruler' bit.

Sighing, I pick across the office, and yank her from Yama's desk, and haul her away. Back to safety, and home.

Where she belongs.

…

…

I think I'm becoming sentimental.

Damn it.

Okay. I'm not even female, and here I am all worried over a girl who's technically not my daughter…

Um. I suppose she is, in a way, because it's my reiatsu that's part of her genetic makeup, but still!

I reject that notion!

Still…I suppose it's a good thing I have her, 'cause now I have Renji all to myself…Well, I gotta share him with Hisana and his division, but technically, it's me who…

Okay. I won't go there.

But having a child is so very….

Strange?

I suppose, seeing as I've got someone I'm directly responsible for, and she's so much like me that it's kinda of like an eye-opener, 'cause I can see all my bad qualities but it's not all that bad and she's…

Okay. Now this is just _way_ too sentimental. I ain't continuing this.

Never.

Nuh-huh.

Shuddup you.

**A/N: *hides in shelter* Okay, so this is extremely late. As in extremely. And I updated other stories, heck, started them. Sorry. Pathetic, I know. But I was stuck with a later section of this, and kinda neglected it. You'll see why. And besides, three week holiday around Europe took a lot of my attention. Me loves Rome. **

**And I did have this chapter finished a while ago. I just forgot to get it off my beta and... Yeah.**

**Fine. Kill me all you want. When I'm bruised, battered and dead at your hands, then you'll realise why Chap 24 is delayed. :P**

**XD**

**Review!**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter…Um…Twenty four? Yeah. 24.

We know Yama's found his burnt office.

Why?

Because there's an almighty explosion of heat.

Sighing, Renji looks at me, and then glares at Hisana.

"Hisana," he snarls, approaching her, looking suitably strict. I stand behind him, crossing my arms over my chest, and proceed to glare at her. Just to, ya'know, back Ren up and all. "Do you know how utterly," he pauses, looking for the right word, "irresponsible, stupid and utterly crazy of you it was to burn down his office?!"

"You said 'utterly' twice. That's bad," she says, not looking bothered.

"That's not the point!" Renji explodes. "What _is_ the point is that you were idiotic enough to frigging burn down the COMMANDER'S office!"

Hisana looks supremely unbothered by this.

Renji, spluttering, throws his hands into the air and storms off. I glance at him, and then at Hisana.

"He was a meanie," Hisana grumbles.

"That doesn't mean that you can be a meanie, too," I point out. "That makes you as bad as he is."

Shut up with Wow's. I can be logical. When I want to.

"But!" she wails, _finally_ looking bothered. "I don't wanna be as bad as Yama-meanie!"

"Well, he did something you didn't like," I point out, "and then you did something he doesn't like. That makes you as bad as Yama."

Shock. Horror. Gasp. I'm still being logical.

Sniffing, Hisana sinks into the chair, before curling up, looking miserable.

Maybe I should comfort her.

"Well," I say, "All I can say is that if you hadn't tried to burn down his office, then you would have proven yourself better than Yama. Now, because you _did_ burn down his office, you'll have to apologize to Yama, if you want to prove you're better than him."

Hisana stares at me, before breaking into tears, and starts wailing again. "MUMMY!" she wails, jumping onto and latching onto me. "I'm so SORRY!"

I pat her back. "Don't worry," I tell her. "Just make sure you apologize to Yama-baka."

Sniffing, she nods, and I carry her back into the kitchen where Renji is ranting under his breath.

"Hisana," I declare, "is going to be a good girl, and will apologize to Yama."

He turns. He stares. He pouts. "Why do you always get her to behave?" he finally grumbles.

Smirking, I reply, "Because I'm amazing."

"Because he's had loads of practice with me and Yuzu," Karin corrects, entering through the door.

I really have to find out how they're doing that.

I mean, I changed the lock (or rather Renji did) after the last time Rukia entered.

"It's Yuzu and I," Yuzu corrects. "Anyway, Ichi-nii? Inoue-san, Ishida-san and Chad-kun wanna come visit in a couple of days."

Time stops still.

The Earth stops revolving.

'Cause it always does weird things like that.

Anyway.

They don't know that I have a daughter and am about to get married, do they?

Oh.

Shite.

Ishida's gonna tease the hell outta me.

Goddamnit all.

WHY? WHY ME?

**A/N: Yeah. Eek. Anyway. So YAY! Ichi and Ren aren't always lenient! 'Bout time too. Anyway, next chappie: What's Yama's reaction?**

**Review! Particularly because I feel unloved, and unappreciated. I did get what I think happens to be the lowest number of** **reviews for the last chapter. It was a grand total of three reviews, when I happen to average at seven. There were, in fact, sixty-seven visitors to that particular chapter. Which makes me wonder whether it was a crappy chapter. Eek. And I was obsessively checking my email for reviews, and feeling extremely disappointed when I got three reviews. I love the three people who reviewed though, even if one was calling me an evil author. **

**Chapters start getting longer as from the next one. And I have to finish off Chap 26 now.** And I feel depressed. :*(

(Yes, this is a shameless guilt trip. Yes, I do actually feel a little disappointed. Yes, I have rather urgent matters to attend to yet am still writing this AN. And the SGTP.)


	25. Chapter 25

Chap Errr….Something Or Another…The one where…Something shall happen and it really won't be good, 'cause … well…..Welcome to My Life. It's 25!

I enter the captains' meeting, or rather, captains and vice-captains, with Renji next to me, and Hisana riding on my hip.

And now Kenpachi and them morons are laughing at me.

I send them the Glare-of-Death but it has no effect.

So I smile.

They're scared.

This is all really twisted. Damn it.

Anyway.

Yama turns and frowns at us.

"Kurosaki," he begins, in that pompous voice that makes you wanna throttle him, "What are you doing with that girl?"

"And when he says it like that, it sounds really, really suss," mutters Kenpachi.

There's a resounding silence, as Yama glares the mickey out of Kenpachi, not that it works or anything.

"Er," I say, "She's kinda like my daughter."

"I'M SO SORRY!" wails Hisana, launching herself at Yama and actually landing on him. "I'm sorry I burnt down your office! I'm so sorry! I won't do it again! I promise!"

There's silence. Again.

"She burnt down the soutaicho's office?" asks Ukitake, looking mildly impressed. I nod.

"What is your name?" demands Yama.

"… Hisana Masaki…"

"Right. And you burnt my office?"

"Yes…I'm so sorry!"

"You will have to be punished."

Okay. Now I'm worried.

"What?"

"I think exile would be good…" Yama muses.

"Yama?" I splutter.

"It is soutaicho to you, taicho."

Okay. I think Yama's kinda like…Not insane, anymore.

"So they don't have to get married?" asks Hisagi.

"Who?" demands Yama.

We all give him strange looks.

"You were going to get Renji and Ichigo to marry, because Hisana's their daughter."

Yama stares at us. "I would never allow anything of that sort to happen in my lifetime!" he snaps. "Firstly, two men cannot have children –"

"Actually," Mayuri interjects. "It is possible, and secondly, this was—"

"I do not care, imbecile!" Mayuri looks supremely insulted. "Second! The idea that I would freely give my permission to allow two of my captains to marry is utterly unthinkable!"

Kenpachi, looking grumpy, bashes Yama on the head. Yama is now unconscious.

"What?" Hisana mumbles. "What on earth was that….."

I pick her up. "That was Normal Yama."

"I don't like Normal Yama. Normal Yama is a meanie."

"That," Kenpachi says, "is an understatement."

"I'm surprised you know such a long word," Unohana tells him. Kenpachi splutters. "Anyway," Unohana continues, "If I just… Ah… Leave him like this…Yamamoto shall die. However, I have many of these happy pills in storage, and I'm sure Kurosatchi-taicho has many in his labs, so we could, most likely, keep him insane for, well, the rest of his life."

Hmn…Such a difficult choice. Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama? Dead Yama, or Insane Yama?

I really have no idea.

Aizen steps inside, followed by Gin.

"What's happened to my YAMA-KUN!" he wails suddenly, launching himself at Yama.

"I think Insane Yama is good," Soi Fon says.

"I like Insane Yama," Hisana agrees.

Unohana kneels, and forces two happy pills down Yama's throat, massaging said throat to get them down. Yama then wakes up.

"Hi Ya guys!" he exclaims, beaming at us.

Hisana launches herself on top of him.

"I'M SORRY I BURNT DOWN YOUR OFFICE!" she wails. Again.

"It's okay, Hisana-chan."

"It is?" she sniffs.

"Yeah!

"Oh, that reminds me!" he exclaims, again, as he stands, assisted by a sniffling Aizen. Gin just stands to the side, smiling that utterly creepy smile of his. "All of you wanna have Hisana-chan in your division!" he exclaims.

WHAT?

"She's in mine," Renji and I snarl. At the same time. Perfectly in sync. Scary.

"Or his," we add, looking at each other. Again. Perfectly in sync. ARGH!

"That was funny!" Yama laughs, before yelping, and slapping Aizen's hand.

What exactly Aizen did is left up to you.

Because I'm just…WAHHHH… Horrid images…

BMI… BMI… BMI

B…

M…

I…

"Anyway," snaps Yama, glaring at Aizen who merely smiles that horrid grin of his, "We're gonna have a compey-tition!"

"A what?"

"Competition!"

"What type?"

"A PRANK WAR! PRANK, PRANK, PRANK, PRANK, PRANK, PRANK, PRANK!"

Silence.

"A _what_ war?"

"Prank. Ya know. Practical jokes and all that. You know."

"And how will this decide who get's Hisana?"

"Er… The winner gets her!"

"But how is this supposed to make sure that whoever ends up with her actually deserves her?"

"Er…Um…Ah…I … Ah... Well... You see… Ah... I dunno?"

There's silence. And then there's distinct head-banging.

"I declare a PRANK WAR!" yells Gin, managing to deafen just about everyone. He pulls out several already-filled water balloons and starts hurling them at all the taichos. Then, a bunch of Arrancars, looking remarkably disgruntled, enter and start to rather unenthusiastically throw them at us.

Gin's laughing his head off. So is Yama. Aizen's standing there looking like a pleasant father watching his children happily play.

God. I'm drenched.

Hitsugaya, being the life saver that he is, freezes all the water. Which is good, because then I'm not getting splatted with water, though a water balloon suddenly freezes and drops onto Kenpachi's head (not that Kenpachi notices or anything). Unfortunately, this kinda results in everyone ending up in ice cubes.

"Oops," he mutters. Or tries to, anyway. It's kinda hard to talk when you're in an ice cube.

Trust me, you don't want the experience.

Yama melts all the ice, leaving us shivering in ice cold water.

"Wah," we mumble.

"Okay," says Yama. "So, the rules of the prank war are-"

"Do we have to compete?" whines Soi Fon.

Yama turns. Yama glares. Soi Fon hurriedly answers 'yes' to her question.

"The rules are that you have to leave some kinda call sign! Cool! A Call Sign! It's gonna be like… All secret agent-y! YAY!"

"Oh. My. God."

There is more head banging.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter…Er…26?

I stand in front of the Gate, swallowing, wiping my palms on my jeans. God. I've never been so nervous. Even when I've had to face down Ulqui, Grimm or even Aizen. Eek.

The Gate opens.

I step backwards.

Wait.

These are my goddamned friends. I shouldn't be scared.

I see Ishida.

Let me leave! I DON'T WANNA SEE THEM!

But, hey, I'm known for my courage.

"Hi," I say, smiling at them. Ishida stares. So does Orihime and Chad.

"Kurosaki, who did you knock up?"

I glare. See, I've got Hisana on my hip.

"Do not use such vulgar phrases in front of Hisana, okay?"

"Kurosaki."

"She just found us. Okay?"

"Sorry. Us?"

"Renji."

"So, this random girl just comes up to you and Abarai and declares both of you to be her fathers?"

"Er, yeah?"

Ishida raises an eyebrow. Orihime's just staring at us, and Chad is being his usual silent self.

"You do realise how fantastical that sounds?"

"…Er…What?"

"Idiot. Do you realise how downright unbelievable that is?" Ishida declares.

"Who are you?" asks Hisana, staring at them.

"I'm Orihime!"

"Chad."

"My name is Ishida."

"Oh… Okay! This is my mummy!" she points to me.

Ishida stares. Ishida laughs.

I glare.

"She… You... _Mummy_?" Ishida starts laughing.

I narrow my eyes. I glare. I place Hisana (very carefully) onto the ground, and draw out Zangetsu.

"Shut _up_, Ishida, before I murder you."

"But, you, Mummy!"

Orihime blinks at Ishida, but then wanders over, and picks up Hisana.

"Oh, aren't you cute?"

"Hello!"

"Look what I made for you!" Orihime pulls out a black rectangular box with sakura flowers all over it, and hands it to Hisana.

We all stare at her.

"'Hime, you didn't know that Kurosaki had a daughter," Ishida points out. He snickers. "Kurosaki has a daughter. A daughter."

"Will you shut up about that?" I yell at him.

Orihime ignores that, and says, "Well, I didn't know that, of course. But the food I made for him, well, Hisana-san can have it!"

Well, at least I'm not eating it. But Hisana is. Gods.

What if she gets food poisoning?

"Hisana, please, don't eat that."

Too late.

"It's yummy!" she exclaims, and gobbles up the rest.

"Are you sure it's not Rangiku-san's child?" Ishida mutters, even as we all stare at Hisana.

"Oh, thanks, Hisana-san!" Orihime chirps.

"Erm," I mutter, "but, ah, well, let's go home…"

"Home?"

"Yama built us a home."

"I would've thought…"

"He's on happy pills."

They all choke on their own breath, but recover and we all return to my place.

"Nice house. Surprisingly good interior design. I'm still going to change it."

"Sod off."

"What happened to no vulgar phrases in front of Hisana?"

"Oh, shut up."

"What's this door?" Chad asks.

Guess which door. Just guess.

Yeah. The basement door.

"That, you don't want to walk through. Really."

"Uh huh."

Chad walks away, but Ishida …

Well, curiosity killed the cat.

If you ever read this, I'm sorry, Ishida, for scaring the hell out of you by throwing Zangetsu at a point millimetres above your head, but you shouldn't have attempted to open that door.

Well, okay, I'm not sorry, but hey.

No hard feelings?

Anyway, after dealing with everyone's Why-the-hell-did-you-nearly-kill-Ishida reactions and Hisana's wide-eyed can-I-learn-that expression, I herd them into the room and manage to make small conversation (resulting in my learning some stuff about the private lives of my old friends, stuff that I really didn't want to know (like one guy being caught in a store cupboard with two girls)).

Then Renji walks in, with a sour expression and the smell of pineapples.

"Prank war's started."

**A/N: I have nothing to say but to apologise. I am extremely apologetic about how freaking long this has taken. I do have a couple more chapters written...**


End file.
